I woke up today answering questions in my subconciousness.
Questions I was asking as I slept! And I was in the process of answering them as I awoke...continued answering them until...I was satisfied.
I am amazed...I've had this happen to me once before...it was contexted in some thought I can't recall now. In other cases there was atleast not any sense to it. I have often revised material for exams in my head while asleep...it was ofcourse not the material to be revised because it was more made up than real and so never have I asked or answered Qs with any retentive clarity in my subconcious.
***
Yesterday as I did some thing or the other...I couldn't shake this feeling like I knew something deeper about me from far ago. And as I curiously probed it...it explained itself rather vaguely.
It left me feeling newer and younger...like this world was new to me. I wasn't always of this place...infact I was very newly of this place...as if it was recommended for what I yearned to learn. And all of a sudden I felt some generations pass over me...very vaguely...not yet re-accessible. These were the other lessons I had learnt...having forgotten to access them, continuously.
But I have accustomed myself well with this life...it bores me not...no no I have endless fascination for it and endless enchantment by it. But I am unfamiliar with its ways. Much unfamiliar with its varied emotions...for there are marked periods in my life when I didn't know what I was feeling, from something as basic as anger...to something as deep as resentment. It had to be explained to me.
***
The answer to these questions came to me while I was having a conversation with PC and it surprised me how easily I expounded on these, without even a thought to it...as if I had known this for much time...
What is intuition? Why are we attracted to certain people?
When the accumulated knowledge of everything past starts to become clearer...you see what intuition really is...it is what you learned 'many ages' ago...and remembered, it is hard separated from you, unless you so want it.
As with intuition so with attraction...one chooses to meet certain people in their lives for their ability to teach us the bigger lessons...sometimes they become known to us as soulmates. These were the ones we chose to learn the most important lessons with/from. And to find the chosen...we set clues about them...such as a quality we much value in our non-human forms. And as we become of this world...we deliberately forget things learned before, much important to us otherwise...for e.g. the ability to create music of a certain kind...so that this quality becomes immediately appealing in the chosen who were to display it while here, now, when we first meet them.
And there you have it. In complementarity one finds a deeper sense.
***
Strong intuition and a strong concience have swayed my hand wrongly on occasion and I had become too wary to use them.
I had felt several years ago...that my talents left me. This, I have a feeling, I believed only because it was told to me that once beyond a certain age we forget to do what we know how to do initially. I fought it at first...but it seemed I had succumed to the greater force of heresy and by and by my talents failed. Or they seemed flaggard. Now I look back and I see - only was I more embroiled in the world and less in the knowledge I already knew. It was as if now was the time I was to unfold to myself my abilities - much more clearly.
For am I not capable of everything??? I am and I have been.
Thus, it lies with me now...I know it in a short while I shall be master of what I knew before...and not just on this here planet...but from many ages ago and also be a master of what I didnot know at all...because this is what I mean to do now and therefore I am meant to do it.
For it seems to me - lost knowledge that I had gained returned to me timely...as it seems my purpose on earth is about to come to a head.
***
As long as there are thoughts that want to come to earth...there will be an earth...no matter how many times over we destroy it. For it is but a stage...another...a better will be built.
***
No one can change anyone's mind if they don't want to change it themselves...because they want to do what they want to do...exercise their so called free will with their discretion....and thus it is that that much touted ability is lost in insubstantials...but its like telling an obstinate dog to stop wagging its tail...it doesn't understand what you mean by 'stop wagging' it can't control the wagging...can it?
No matter how you tell them that this world is ephemeral...since they can comprehend nothing else...there IS nothing else. And their life has whatever meaning they want to impart upon it.
They may believe that it is their destiny to be enthralled by all that happens around them...that eventuality will lead to cognizance...but without a yearning for the cognizance all you are is a paper doll in the wind thinking you're making yourself dance. Which you are...but you also don't know how to stop...so there lies the quandary.
***
I often wondered how was it that I was not affected by the world at large while I was still young. It astonished me - such apathy from myself. So whence I parted from my parents for school, I learned the essential skills of mining the news portals. It was gay times as I stored the knowledge, revised it and updated it with friends. It was pure factoid discussion we embroiled in.
It didn't last long...this so called 'love' affair. A few months at best. So then after having cared and found nothing for it I was back where I started, none the richer, apparently.
By and by, I got to contemplating it more deeply...I know I cared...but never enough. I keep up with the news...but more often than not...it bores me. It seems to me that people care too much. They care too much about everything that happens to them and people they care about...they care TOO MUCH. And this wouldn't be half bad if even half of them realized what the purpose of caring was for.
As I pondered this, I realized that this was exactly how I'd felt before, and without knowing the why...I thought I had become apathetic.
Now it becomes apparent why I feel it so poignantly...it doesn't matter. The imaginings of bits of Imagination causing so called chaos or spreading love...it was a way for the lessons.
However slowly we may progress along them...sometimes inch along...sometimes stall altogether and sometimes...at rare times make progress in leaps and bounds.
In reality what we feel here and think here and take from here...has nothing to do with the reality of now...for it is also a thought. It can be created anew...if we so wanted. If we so realized that we could.
***
There was the oppurtunity to voluteer to help inner city kids with education, and though I have never been extremely motivated to do these things...I agreed and persevered and started to enjoy it. Immensly.
However, in quiet moments of reflection it seemed off somehow. I never bothered to analyze it then...dismissing it as unfamiliarity with people/general social awkwardness...but as it turns, on recent contemplation, it was utterly selfishness I was feeling.
This businesss of helping...I was gaining something. I realized it was making me happy to help someone else. It was making ME happy.
Hopefully it benefitted other people, helped them be happy or feel less unable to do things. I was serving to serve...no doubt...but I would've sooner left off were it that I did not collaterly benefit from this arrangement. And How.
It came to pass, that slowly this selfish feeling passed out of me and I was working because I was helping...and I cared.
So, it fell that even as the focus shifted from gaining personally from the acts I began to feel moved and slowly the feeling grew until I felt unnecessarily involved. Attached.
Yet, with this so called attachment came no 'unbound love'... flowing endlessly from my heart to them. I couldn't find this feeling of love everyone talked about, there was complacence and there was caring and respect and compassion and there was need to empower, but love I did not feel.
And I began to rethink my service motives. And as I did I learned not to worry about the love. Just do. Do the best I could.
For a while this comforted me as a feeling that I was truly doing service with detachment. Karma was me.
Folly, thou comest in mirthful ways!
I had striven to continue on...that way - on the mistaken path that I thought represented Karma...until the realization hit me...I was attached...possibly not to the results but to the people! I did care how they used the advice! Yet there was no LOVE!
Was this was how I missed my chance to know what it was to love unconditionally, everything?
But how would I know what love is, when clearly, though I seek it, it escapes me? If my whole life was intended to learn it and my whole being yearns to know it, then why do I keep missing it? Do I need to be shown what it is that love is?
And I have been...by B---, but I lose it the second I lose sight of him. It is as if he opens up the floodgates...and lets it all in...but the second he leaves...I forget what it was that I was feeling...just peace and calm remain and I can't keep the gates open myself...hec I don't even know where they ARE!
***
It comes slowly to me why once you can change the events of the world and can stop them and turn them around, there is no need to...there is a caveat.
For how else would we learn (however slowly we might be) what we were here to learn, were everything changed? We wouldn't want them to be twisted any other way, though it feel differently now.
Maybe it'd be nice if it were sped up; and if the lessons, the PERSPECTIVE made a little bit clearer. And yet when presented to us, a vast majority of us look the other way. Forgetting we CHOSE this for ourselves...forgetting the whys and the hows...only feeling the effects in the nows...and getting indelibly embroiled in them.
Greater still is the misfortune of us forgetting that the learning process was for a purpose. Forgetting the purpose...becoming hopelessly enjoined in the world as we know it then.
And thus it comes to pass...that anyone who shows the slightest interest in uplifting the general mood of things on this planet...the general SQ (spiritual quotient), fails miserably or becomes martyred.
Not because 'The One' didn't know what he/she was talking about...but their thoughts became so steeped by their followers in the reality of now...that the masses, they forgot to look at the advice critically and decided that the best that could be done is live their lives goodly. As nice people. Learning little, imparting little...returning to the same lessons over and over again. Slowly stumbling through the answers that make no sense the first 20 million times.
And growing ever so minuscle-ly every time.
Thus, though came the messiahs to tell us..."Look! hurry up...the fun stuff hasn't even begun yet! You can be like me. God-like!", little heed was paid.
Instead their voices were shaped by the ignorant...they were proclaimed God. Inaccesible. Unreachable. Supremely Peerless. Unmatchable. And then martyred either on wood, painting or in pages.
'Tis sad that all they were moved by was love. For they wanted really only to help...and yet apparently they left having given advice on how not to cheat on one's spouses and how not to have sex.
Such advice... for the ages apparently...is what was retained.
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