orbis non sufficit

What do I fear? Why do I fear?

Do I fear because it has been instilled in me? Deeply ingrained? Or was it always; ad hoc? It sometimes seems unlikely that I was born with it. There are moments of courage I experienced as a child. Where I would wander into woods unknown to anyone. It was sometimes to show off but mostly because of curiousity. I experienced trepidation whence I begun but slowly it would fade, it would come back to me when I heard my friends talk of terror that my mind was either too dull to understand or too unimaginative to imagine. Thus, it was that I beheld my meagre courage - strangely challenged and sometimes hardput to fight.

***

I feel a familiar pain settling. The familiar frustrations. The familiarity of familiarity.

For 2 whole days my world came tumultously to me. In discussions and spiritual ideas lay some reprieve. It lived only till the yearning returned. I crave a singular distilled emotion. And I crave its peculiar source.

My thoughts of the Cognizance, do not calm me endlessly. The feelings of ennui and contempt are brewing mildly yet heedlessly. I am on edge. Wanting. Waiting. I am seeking a resolution, resolutely.

Science dissatisfies me. I am discontent. I am weary of the evasive questioning, the complacent reasons & the short-sighted answers. I am more discontent in my inability to change this, even as a perception.

I find peace in only contemplation and even then, upon its conclusion, I find myself rejoicing in an affected manner. Not in the peaceful happiness I was grown accustom to, but in something coarser than that...some self-important delight. I laugh at pain and half-baked conviction and it is not with contempt that I mean it. But it is also no longer with serenity.

The Calmness and Neutrality are trailing. I need some respite. I know what I need. But I know not sometimes if it be necessary, I know not if I shall be able to bear with equanimity what I must.

Atleast for now, I know not how to tackle it and I know even less how to think of it. For the less I think of it, the more it becomes obvious. And it gnaws at me. It binds me to itself.

And I am for once in my life truly scared that I will forget what I have learnt. Plainly, I will forget. Yet, as I know what it is that I need, I know also it may be futile to fight it. I am falling off the Plane of Neutrality. Slowly, an inch at a time. Being drawn into some Chakravhyu, nothing I won't know how to tackle but am inexorably not sure that I am spozed to be tackling it.

It is this uncertainty which comes with an odd conviction that brings me unrest. Brings me the vestiges of impatience and hubris. I feel oddly chained...oddly enslaved...oddly clipped of my aspiring wings....oddly constrained with feeling.

...thus I have spent the last 2 days - feeling as if something was snatched from me, making me closely like myself, before the Tranquility. And it feels unfamiliar. Unusual. Unsettling. It feels unlike myself. And it feels unlike anything I ought ever be.

Let it begin, for only then shall it end...