Somnia

Something unusual happened to me last night.

I was reading a very good book that was talking about AUM and how A and U stand for the Awake and Dream states of our conciousnesses. As I was reading about U and how when one is aware of ones dreams, it becomes apparent that one is closer to the goal already, by that much.
By knowing our dreams, our desires (hidden and obvious), our encounters in a dimension free of space and time and nature of these encounters, one is better able to understand the objective "reality" of our lives better. Meditation helps. Tremendously. Apparently Yogis are able, with great precision, to recall dream states and experiences and also encounter their hidden desires whence dreaming and fulfill them no less!

I remember all my dreams now, albeit not with as much clarity as I would like. Which is still way better than when I would either NOT dream or not remember or remember only those dreams that had high impact value and came just before waking.

Last night however I dreamt that I was listening in on a conversation between 2-3 friends - people I didn't really know except for one of the guys who happens to be someone I grew up with. I was sometimes peripherally in the conversation and sometimes floating around the people, in this dream. At one point the person i recognized was down on the ground yelling at one of his friends about how he can't take the third degree that his friend is subjecting him to, anymore. And he stomps off. In my dream I think - "gee I'd like to see that again", and whaddya know...it repeats itself! The scene repeated itself and not only that - it also changed to be less abusive. I liked that. Being able to control dreams is utterly possible, then.

I think I projected last night too. For a span of 2 seconds. Granted that it was the first time I tried...that was cool. I find that my breathing constricts everytime the vibrations increase.

***

I can't understand why I let these things affect me so much. W has been on my mind. Conciously and subconciously. I dreamt about him, and him and another. They were walking up the stairs and all he was doing was staring at me from across the stairs. Making sure that our lines of sight were always aligned. I was with people who I didn't know and he was with people I knew.

Which was a lot like this weekend I was with people I don't know anymore. They surrounded me, they talked the talk that to me a few months ago was so familiar and enticing and now it just sounds boring. But to obfuscate this further I also feel I am falling out of touch with the YAs. I can have a conversation just fine with them...but since I want to tackle serious topics, and they like a little joviality in their lives - I am stuck sometimes, having lost my sense of humor temporarily.

My sense of humor is based on cynical sarcasm, which i find more and more appalling. It's a form of disdain, and I claim no superiority whenever I can conciously control it. Which is why sometimes I am loathe to jest. It feels pompous to make fun of someone else.

Vasanas came up this weekend. They are curiously similar to thoughts I have had in the past. However one integral difference between the Vasanas and my ideas are that Vasanas are accumulated latent impressions over the millions of cycles of life that each one of us go through, whereas I believe these are tendencies we take up in our atman-self to experience what we may. A genius is not a genius simply because the conciousness of this individual has retained most of what they have learnt. But is genius for the sake of choice. To understand better with a subtle intellect that which escapes the dull mind (which are apropos their lessons).

By and by as I read I find a lot that enchants. A lot that is identical to what I already percieve, on occasion I have reason to shirk ideas because they rigorously classify something as dangerous/harmless or bad/good. But besides these inputs come from non-vedantic sources, the Zen Buddists and Buddhism in general prescribe this but so far Vedanta as not dissatisfied me. It has rarely said anything that has given me pause and/or disquiet.

While I read this book. It also uniquely introduced the idea of removing sensory reliance on the outside world. Albeit slowly and in several ways it delineated the ideas in 2 major forms. One using the objects of this world to achieve That and second removing the objects as obstacles from your course. These two ideas actually go hand in hand. In both scenarios the object world is not to distract. In the first the object world is meant for contemplation. In the second it is merely that the world is viewed with detachment and it has little to offer to the one that is involved in knowing more via meditation.

I think atleast in my middling head - the second follows the first. Once the perception that the material world has given all it can sinks...the next step has to be digging deeper. Within self.

***

I feel myself being sucked back into the reality so forcefully that it is sometimes all I can do to NOTE that it is happening.

My temper is back. My ego is thriving. I am awkward and serious for no apparent reason.

I have feelings of inadequacies. I don't know why one person can have such an effect on me and yet I wonder if it's becoz I want him to have an effect on me that all this is happening. W W, the bane of my detachment scenario. Gia came up and suddenly I found myself clenching my fists, several other names that I didn't recognize came up in context of W and I found how strongly I reacted to the fact that he was who he was, before I arrived.

I have been avoiding him for the past 2 weeks. I am not sure I can bear to see him again - I think I lose sight of what is really important sometimes when I am around him. His aspect is so alluring, so very deep. And feelings of inferiority grab me by my neck...telling me how little I have to offer to the situation and YET. Here I am wondering WHY...

Somedays the world becomes my blackboard and I concoct ideas of when it dawns upon me that we are REALLY the same I will know more than I think I know. When I stop percieving the differences altogether...I am looking at things without creed, but when that stops becoming a concious act - that's when I will know I have arrived at realization. When I see the code. Things will be without time. Everything will be everything and nothing will be "impossible" including our own impossibilities!