Ambiguous

There was a dream. Sach had a kid. A beautiful kid. Beautiful as he had been. He had a T-shirt with the kid's picture on it. I have been thinking about Sach for a long time...on and off. A sense of betrayal hangs over my head as if i must acknowledge something there that I am loathe to remember.

***

It is sometimes with relish that i relive my conversations with people that whence i was in them percieved them to be arguments that were futile and were prodded by an unseen hand within me...and it is rife with great relief when i look back and see what it was that I gained.
And here is the essence of the discourse with White Samurai -

The difference between the equanimous and the agitated...in every action...they percieve the God that is everlasting and omnisicient. Every little thing they do is significant therefore.

I understand. It is with the joy of the first time, that the Masters they do every thing...because in every turn they see the joy anew everytime.

***

I talk and talk and I discover and discover...but I don't practise.

A part of me believes that there is need for it and another part of me believes there isn't. That when the time is right, the path will become me, and I shall stop seeking. But a part of me also believes that seeking is important also...for it was that hidden, subconcious need for this peace that led me here. That by practising I will become that which I want to become. The voice follows me...practise, practise...it is few and only few who have the self-discipline to live life and be equanimous. But can't this begotten by Knowing and realizing. I spoz what I am asking is what is it that practise allows us to realize? That? In its eternity? Or to relenquish our control to That? Or the fact that That becomes more prominient in everything we do?

It is that isn't it? The ever prominence of That becomes apparent. In everything.

That truth is eventually mine to take...the question is how.

I see how the masters teach...they teach in opposites. Because it is the only way to lead to that place where you see it not for the opposites. The opposites are easy, they're not infallible...but they are good indicators...they point in the right directions. But they were not for me...and I see...the Masters they speak to everyone and that speech to everyone is construed by the uninitiated as being contradictory...No. You don't teach a 4 year old and a 20 year old the same way. It's the level of spiritual knowledge that becomes an indicator of what comes next...I guess I am waiting for that next leap now.

The other thing I notice is that all around me I am surrounded by various levels of spiritualities...truths that I am wary of becoming. For I percieve an unspoken need to go beyond the obvious...not to envy and not to pretend to be that which I am not yet...and yet sometimes I catch myself almost betraying that pretention and I come to a standstill.

And I tell myself, 'No more whining...pretending to be weak. Pretending that it is beyond me, pretending that it will come to me when I know that Practise makes perfection...but some of the written word I mistrust. For this one word, my being rejects practise without express will.'

***

I saw the thousand petaled lotus last night.
Briefly...I was happy as happy could be until it crossed my mind to discuss this with the others...and immediately it was gone.

There is clearly a high level of egoist investment...which is only apparent when you lose that which is pure of it. And whence that happens, when i share, it is with intent however imperceptible...to awe, to gain admiration for my level of understanding, sometimes for corroboration. How petty my self is and it is most pitiable when it understands not its needs to be this way.

And I ask meself the question Why? Because I want to be held in admiration. Followed. It is a level of adulation for this body, this abject personality which is needed to feel 'good'. Why? Because I think I percieve greatness in myself and I need an acknowledgement, a realization of its truth. There would be no problem with that were it that this greatness was not exclusive to me. Mine and mine alone by birthright.

THIS is what Practise disseminates. Practise is not necessarily a particular hour everyday destroying your ego. It is by far every second of every day that this must be. This perception of different truths is what is the snatcher. And I must see beyond it to see That.

In its most essential form...it is the sublime desire to experience the "greatness" - the advaitic bliss in its ever-present form. To see it, to realize it, to understand it, to Be it. It becomes limited by my knowledge of Self being limited to this body. And the sense of greatness becomes tied to it. It becomes an extension of my ego...a deplorably sad version of it at that. A needful and pathetic one...but ever so sublime waiting to be discovered not its exclusivity but its inclusiveness. Hidden behind several layers of vasanas and acquired personality.

***

And then there was jealous intent in my personality...one I percieved as I stood outside of myself quizzically looking at meself behave this way...these things so crassly motivated. And I waited and I wondered.

Its lapse came and left and I was left with a sense of incomplete comprehension and I chased it.

What is it that I percieve I don't have that which others can supply?
And I think '!'.
If I have come any distance from my previous self it is lost in the quagmire of my ego.
I want to be all that is...but I remain concious of my containment within this BODY...I feel limited by it. I feel constrained by its traits, its attributes.

Thus the problem remains that I am concious yet only of the Body. And all its limitation thus follow when I think it is that which is ME - I AM my BODY. I am my MIND. And nought else. And thence it devolves.

It is not helpful that it is how I am identified in the world. By this superceding force, image. It is real, this body, as real as everything else that can, could and will be.

There is a need for it not to be a quixotic idea lest it become the lesser intrapolate of the Wider Truth. I don't want 'free love'...in its essence it is ideal, in its delusion it isn't. I want a complete understanding of trust. Of lack of jealousy. Why must it arise?

Does it point to a deficiency within me I can correct? And if not then what is it trying to tell me?

It is obviously easy to discount another persons needs too in light of what you want.

In its aftermath the relationship teaches you something yet.

Jealousy teaches me for instance the dependence I have for seeking approval of this body and mind. For its acceptance is what jealousy is really tied to - it is intimately an expression of my ego. I seek to adjust that which is inherently the same based on obvious differences.

I think part of the reason for a relationship need might be to see how to constantly dissolve that ego. I am prone to suspicion and jealousy. Tis the way I have been. The need for it - in irony - is practise in relationship - not without understanding...but with constant understanding.

There is much more to this primal desire ofcourse.

There is another component, a more general and self-asserting one: If I let it be, a worldly companionship it devolves very quickly into worldly needs and a self-associated devolvement complex. A heap of issues that stem from the perception of differences between myself and another. Between seeing a better and seeing a lesser. Sensing attachment...wanting attachment and understanding little of its origins.

My ego bounds and expands to fit its model, it extrapolates and becomes that which is pride and jealousy. Envy and hate.

I have become increasingly aware of my pride...whereas originally it was there where it was unable to do much harm, it is now becoming ever prevalent in my speech, in my use of expletives, in my understanding of another point of view, in appreciation of anything that isn't of 'my' origin. I have become selfish and demeaning, without meaning to be. And yet it is clear that I have come to recognize and understand slowly that which is to be feared most and the words I recall are, "the way to treat a disease is to sit with it and keep it company".

And I have and now if it is prevalent I have finally started to understand it's effects and its boundaries, its diet more efficiently.

Just be and never underestimate the beauty of another and by appreciating all and ever shall only you reach over it.

Need only arises when there is a deficiency. Identify it, meet it. By completing yourself is the only way to cure yourself of any disease.

It is quite hilarious that my body reacts to the environment the way my mind reacts to situations. I am troubled by minor health problems, allergies, cold and such because similar ailments meet my mind - the disturbances of the mind are the same as the disturbances of the body, there in lies a cure.

What is great is that I barely acknowledge them, what sucks it that I barely acknowledge them...and they hang around. But I talk about them endlessly. ENDLESSLY. They are my gossip and news. I am little troubled by them, but they make the gist of my conversations.

***

It is sometimes beautiful to see by example all the things around me that try to entice me...recognize them as that which is easily committed to by stagnation or incomplete understanding. I see them and realize their fallacies before I commit myself to them...for the layers they unveil slowly and only upon asking.