That Emotion

Here I am, living experience.

And yet I think back, before all of this exploded into my life...very craftily I had realized that things tend to happen when they are least expected/needed in life...i.e. pregnancies, love, mortgage, death.

Thus it plays.

On and On and ever so bewitching and poetic it is even when it seems seamy and mad.

I am proverbially 'in it'. Perhaps the best one in as much as I know.

But they have all been perfect even the nightmarish ones. It's beautous how even the most horrific things find within themselves a sort of equipoise and the pinnacle of mastery hanging about- they are perfect in their terrible truth.

So it is that if thou never tryst thou shall never know.

***

It is a prescient sort of vision, glimpses of cheer and companionliness, suffused with it are glimpses of a path I long deigned to join - a path I must travel alone.

Constantly am I beseiged by a nebulosity...it is as if standing at the edge of a womb, the birth of something preeminent. There tends my being towards happiness and fear all at once.
And yet One cannot see exactly what secret lies behind it all because all around there is the fog.
A very compressed haze.
I see twinkles and glimmer.
Shadows of what is to come.
Some faint, some vivid.
Some hard, some soft.
Some clamoring for spirit, others lacking any.

***

Curious is how It has turned a playground for all the psyche of which I was unaware. Of that are those which were waiting their turn to live it out. Stark is it not? I was only slowly knowing the whether or not of their experience.

It was all restlessness...like some thing about to implode upon life...and thus it splayed onto me heart, when it deemed itself sound.

There was the Not wanting to experience. I am Torn, undeniably, between wanting to brook them and the not wanting.

All I fear is dependence. Credence on reassurance and expectation of reliability and dependency on a sure source of love and security.

Mistrust in their reliability, their longevity, I have been long taught. Their enticing ways I must steer clear of, I have been told.

Said I, They shall yet Live and They shall die for something even more subtle and beautiful to rise - the Supreme Permanence to resurface.

***

As I behave in many abilities, I find my self reliving old odd insecurities.
There seems no resolve for them, yet a sheer blanket of restriction covers us.

To expound the idea for myself is what I crave...some resolution, and yet to do just that, what is needed?

Instance-sake it is the oblivion of abandonment again and yet I know from the part of me that has known wiser things that it will live to have its effect on me until I learn from it what I am supposed to, there is no use fighting it.

Musn't forget that the part of one that was on its journey is still on it and therefore as distressed as one gets about it all, it will be what it will be and change nothing but what is meant to be changed.

The journey ensues the way it must...before I was aware of it and now that I know it.
Thus, it seems there is a part of me watching me live this as I am, and there is another part that is invested so it can feel and learn by what it is feeling.

***

I find my dreams are disappearing or vague. Perhaps it is such that they are addressed in my waking world, perhaps. Perhaps it is that I am no longer aware of what is happening within me...yet I feel harmoniously in touch. Sleep is hard to be had anymore and it is harder just to dream when the body must but rest restfully in the state beyond it.

***

And then there is the vision of the fey Lust that envelopes that which I am afraid of losing.
That I wish, like fools wish, to control.
For Lust controls but Lust.
Trust is failing me.
Else, is it that in trust I am failing?

Fear overcomes me. Becomes me. Overwhelms me. Seduces me. Makes me its scapegoat.
It is abortive in its diffidence, ever avid to weild weapons and take me for my own.

Selfishness, greed, I am unaware of, yet they plague my heart.
Attention I thought I sought not, yet it is that which I make a clamor for.
Assent is nought I thought to covet, yet it becomes that which I seek.

So afraid am I of losing my heart and the will for it to be so, that unknowingly I smother it and yield to it simultaneously.

Let it be known that the losing is the happening of mere intellection.

Afraid am I of being damaged and thus it is to live like a coward, my destiny.

Pretense of being brave and all that remains is chicken-shit.
I want to love but all I do is decieve.
Like a hawk, am I ever pursuing an opening - forever do I seek ways out.
It is with a penchant I look for weaknesses...I look not to get possessory, and I feel it creep upon me.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I!

It is for THIS I fear all manner of things...and I, I who professed to little attachment!!!

HA!....Ironic art thou Fate, and thou are worth thou mirth.

This the way I must find out that I AM NOT NOT ATTACHED? And then?

Learning was my mind of things, without experience to shape them, to show themselves truely, they burst upon me hand in hand, skipping a beat of their own, a beat I know, a beat that is my own, a beat that was known before the words to know it were known.

And now I know that I am attached....and attached for a reason...for many reasons, am I.

Thus is attachement apparent in my other ordeals...small attachments become seasons of strife. I am battling it forever on strata thus defined, until I learn to best it or let it be.

***

The lesson primary it teaches...in thought to renounce the comfort of one's skin, in the absence of enticement is effortless. But when in the midst of scuffle and treachery of heart and soul...one moves only to save ones skin.

In the molding of great hearts there is great pain. And deeper the runs, bigger must the heart be. Glimmers thus gold, shining only when it finds that which holds its pain without condition.

Why must one understand this emotion so jealously colored?
It has been the essence of many past relationships devolving...stemming stealthily from an insecurity of a percieved deep bond broken treacherously- 'the original tear' - created. Large was the vacuum that broke upon me whence it broke...the reasons that broke it spilled over and created a shimmering cloud of fear in between me and my heart. So effervescent was it, so mild was my knowledge of it that it was perhaps subliminally the effect upon my soul. Twisted thus my heart wandered, wondered why respite it shalt not seek.

Thus I know now, that I knew nothing but my ability to lose it to an unworthy one as him before him.

And then it was that seasons changed and upon me rested tenderness' gentle hand once again, it was then that I pondered - so what if I were to lose it, yet again? Wouldst it be that bad? Would it happen to show that the heart must always be lost? But never the Love?

That part of the 'original tear' that escapes definition is being relived. It is being reopened. And for some reason I am sure. It is up to me to find that reason. That which veiled itself previously from comprehension slowly dawns upon me.

Perhaps it is to go BOLDLY and NOT FEAR that which CANNOT BE LOST.

How I know this and yet am able to forget it is what is ingratiating and brings me back to its sources.

***

It is with some relish I point to this from a recent past...W whence he was as part of my life as a periphery allows...tended my being into the seeming imperfection of jealousy...by and by I thought I had conquered it. Obsession I had met and made myself its maker, watched it dissolve in my hands.

But that green-eyed monster, was escaping yet in its explanation of itself. Little did I know that that which I thought conquered was little understood and even less victored over. Thus it is that I experience it more acutely and face it with little armor...yet I tackle it best I can and company involved is beatific and forgiving of my petty sins.

***

I MUST NOT FEAR ANYTHING, So it SHALL BE BROKEN. I SHALL BE ALL BUT AFRAID TO LOSE IT.

For if we wish to experience that which must be experienced...then we must know that courage in every quarter is required. Not a doubt shall enter my mind, I tell myself, in solitude it is easier to believe than it is to live with it in presence of company.

The handing of your heart to another is what the lack of faith accuses...but to realize that what they do, regardless...is strengthen you, to give life a turn it never would have without them, they love you without you knowing it. Without them knowing it.

They are always loving you...forgiving is the spirit that knows this. That all is motivated by love. Ultimately.

***

I wish to handle it like I handle my thoughts with care and sit with it and know it well...and I have no oppurtunity to do that...but yet I encounter it everywhere. It is a constant reminder of what this lesson is about to teach me...and I am floundering miserably at the beginning.

Jealousy, the green pill - It is the feeling of not being as good as something else that sets it rolling...subtle ego is unobvious many places...but here it is glaring.

It is the need to be the best in a relationship and it is made harder by past baggage.

Sometimes you see that it is what it is...and other times it is veiled so one must experience it again and again, until all its layers are unveiled. It is a profound emotion...not superficial...it is a telling psychology and I repeatedly scratch its surface and get frustrated because I am unable, unwilling to see its other angles...it is not as straightforward as good and bad. Right or wrong. Needed vs unneeded.

I am experiencing it and I am fighting it. Not understanding it. Not understanding my need for it. Not understanding its role...but fighting it...I spoz I will fight until such a time as I finally realize the futility of it.

It is fear in its subtle form. Fear of abandon. Fear of rejection, fear of realizing in a way that is ill replicated by anything else...it is so real in my life that I see it as it is sometimes and others I am carried along with its current forced to make desicions and choices that are ill-had.

It is a fear of loss...what can I lose? I have everything?

It is thus I oscillate between the knowing and the ignorant. For I am unaware of what is coming next sometimes and I wonder how important it is in my life. I spoz as important as I make it.

Its like Jekyll and Hyde. One questions the other answers.

We are much alike...him and I...thus our battles are bigger, more fearsome in the times to come.

***

For LUST can be Lost, but Never can LOVE be LOST! It is always one, it's always the courage maker!

I fear, I mourn for the pithy replica of Love...when I am blinded by my lust for lust.