One that saves me...

Dear Blog,

I don't know if I can take this anymore. The world around me is starting to devolve. and people I know seem so one dimensional. maybe it is me that is one dimensional...

I feel like someone plucked me straight out of the web of lies and stuck me hovering over it...now what? I can't pass judgement...becoz it doesn't feel right.

Right/Wrong...remember that debate I had with myself? What is right? What is wrong? Is there neither/either? Well I think i have figured it out.
That which takes you further away from the truth...feels "wrong". Deviant behavior that makes no sense and sucks you further into the drama and illusion is perhaps that which we know as wrong.

Now the question only remains...what is the "Truth"? But that hardly feels like a question. It feels answered every second of life.

In how seriously people take life, and how seriously they accept their losses and wins and gains and defeats, the perception of others - though it is nothing - is everything, it is so palpable.

My personal battle these past weeks has been my (internal) struggle over W. This languishing is getting out of hand - I feel like I have some peace to make with W. Or something else, it is a peace for something, of something. It is him and I who should decide when we feel the need to make our lessons available, not the world around us. But I wander and I assume that feelings are mutual, how am i to know anything about the boy when I am barely around him?

Yet, I can't shake the feeling that some lesson evades me...and familiar feelings of jealousy and disgust are stirring in me. Giga haunts my mind when I think of W, it is a lot of history I don't know about, a large part of me doesn't care, but a part of me is dimly aware of something in their demeanor the first time ever I saw them all congregated around PCs dining table. It is the fear of the unknown about them and reconciling the ideas of him as the immaculate little boy I want him to be. It is the constant fear again that Giga is much better than me. Listening to the others talk about her, constantly, used to be just weird how it amounted to idolatry but now it's like stirring up hot embers. I am more than happy to know the person who is so impressionable on the minds of the group, but I do not feel the need to know more. I have an inkling it'll do more damage than good.

And this I cannot accept anymore without feeling strongly averted from my path. But yet I don't know if this is the result of a lack of better imagination and that is why these feeling manifest themselves in such a crude manner...or they are indeed that which I percieve them to be.

I have tried to reason with myself, but my head fills with a fine buzzy light when I do that.

~~~
I know, now, that W and I have an indelible bond. Something beyond the platform where we perform our daily circuses to completion. Something unbreakable. Something that has been and will be regardless of how we decide to shape it up here. I know not what words were spoken, or if there were any, all i know is - i feel inseparable from him.
~~~
Last weekend I had an extended conversation with Ark. A very enlightening and very entertaining conversation at that. We discussed the nature of Jnana yoga, Bhakti yoga and Karma yoga. Of these three we all feel strongly drawn to Jnana Yoga and Karma yoga, perhaps it is the destiny of this generation to bring the enlightenment to others through self-less love and service. It is sometimes incomprehensible that Ark insists on making clear the baser of emotions - it feels like semantics really. He insists that pride, ego, condesencion and the feeling that 'you must help with a goal', this whole "bringing the enlightenment to the less fortunate" business is all wrong when you have attained that state of illumination. And I feel like: but they are just words Ark! They are words we use to understand how the light spreads. They don't matter once you are at 'Bodhisattva' where all is one...you don't 'cultivate' the sense of ego-less existence, you don't cultivate anything but a spiritual evolution that grows beyond you. It becomes your way of life. The intention of the universe is made clear then and all you do is drift along.

Sometimes Ark reminds me of the kind of arguments Picture makes. They (the arguments) sound exceedingly like the (now) indoctrined codes of conduct, for eg: Once you have attained "Bodhi" - it is wrong to hold onto ego. Ha! Imagine that! Can one even be a Bodhi with ego? To each his own, I spoz. But in their favor I believe the code of conduct is faithful upto the point where you realize that the code of conduct is really the way life is when you are on the path to inner peace. There is No this and Yes that, it just is. It just becomes you. But upto the point where you spin around and question your whole destiny...up until that point - it serves us well - becoz not everyone has the inclination to learn the greater Truth.

But in his definition of Karma yoga is the remembrance that is worth him, it has been some time since I have seen anyone speak of something so divine with so much elegance and passion.

"It is the love that flows out of your hands and it just does, it flows and flows and flows and becomes you in everything until there is no other and just you and yours and the Is. And all the boundaries are lost, the pain, the suffering, the sad and the joyous are all lost and everything is light and nothing matters and you help becoz the arms they have to do something and the legs they have to do something and the heart it has only to love and to love something, everything and to love makes it one with everything."