Papa Charlie and Parallel Universes

I had an enlightening discussion with Papa Charlie today. As always I enjoyed our talk immensly...we have so much in common. Prolly coz we're similar in many ways.

She and I have speculated, been borne by and passed thru the same sort of ideas and oppurtunities. Our sensibilities are so alike even though our experiences were very different.

Sometimes she brings to the conversation such a truly distilled thought that it makes the essence of a good conversation with her different from a good conversation with anyone else. And it is the former that spurs in me the will to speculate, question and ask those probitive questions that summon reason. And that makes spiritual discussion worth having.

Sometimes one has to re-learn everything. In essence our conversation was about relearning attachments.

I have often wondered after a conversation with PC, White Samurai, VicKtoria and/or Ark, that we think, therefore we don't become.

Ofcourse, among us - there are those who don't think they have the right to be "God", there are those for whom the concept is so far-removed it all sounds like another language, and then there are some who think they know and know better - but they sound hollow. Their negativity is overwhelming. It's all intellectual. There's no heart to it. It's too how-do-you-say-it ...'scientiskeptisterile'.

So how is it that knowledge by itself is not enough? Isn't knowledge the light that leads?
Or is it? Were it that Knowledge was for knowledge itself...so without perspective, without context, without better morality or truer understanding - it would stay that - fact. Sterile, unusable fact. And that is what it is. With Knowledge, understanding doesn't always follow.

That somehow, I am thinking myself into a ditch but not believing anything makes me stop short and wonder how long this process of asking and reason will go. The few times I have believed, taken the leap of faith (so to say) - the results were fairly unbelievable.
So unbelievable that of the 3 people I have told 2 seem to be rightly incredulous. As was I when it first occured to me what had happened.

Yet, I feel I must say that though it takes little to convince me this time I am loaded with skepticism. So what of it? Am I only to talk of the few adventures and not experience the rest? And if so, why? Am I afraid? Too afraid to take full responsibility - afraid that it is so immense, this understanding, that it'll evade me as soon as I try to grasp it fully? That somehow I'll fail.

But I know there is no winning and failing. For, my Donald Shimoda has made that much clear to me.

Thus, I struggle and wonder which it is that I need to do - to fully be concious of what I am here for OR reason it till there exists no doubt; to believe or to be convinced that I must believe.
Or do they follow each other in a natural progression. Such things I pondered as it came to my rescue - a book. Lying, curled, wisely, almost patiently waiting for me to pick it up again.

For now, I find what I need to continue on - 'tis the Uncarved Block. The idea that what is, is. I am only an observer. And yet I am not just an observer - I am an all-powerful observer. I am curious and I am willing to learn, to change.

And though we mustn't try and change things to suit our short-sighted needs, it shouldn't be our failing that we can.

And change shouldn't be avoided atleast not becoz it is right or wrong but becoz there isn't any need - it feels as though things inside of us are set a certain way and we follow a path that is best suited to the needs we were each deigned to meet.

To be aware that you are on that path constantly - is truly the challenge, the Fendi next to you on the bus, the promise of a promotion, vacation, family, the souring relationship etc tend to throw us off our original quests as soon as we focus on the details.

And once I tried to envision myself being this way - just being, being one and all - at once, being aware but not intelligent, things shifted. My shoulders relaxed, the world around me was all of a sudden of colors vibrant, and people around me were suddenly of interest.

Everything was harmless in a way I can not explain. Like the security of knowing..nah... of BELIEVING it all to be an illusion somehow started to sink in.

I don't think I am all the way there. Far Far from it.
I have an ego (still), shreds of resentment, some undying disbelief, capricious ambitions and will to reason still. And yet I KNOW it now that it is all in my hands. If I WANTED to I could be HAPPY! The empowerment that comes with KNOWING that it isn't a LIE - I CAN BE HAPPY if I WANT to - is something else.

No-one can tell you that and make you believe it.
Besides why would you want to believe anything anyone says unless you experience it for yourself?

People tend to say things like "happiness is a choice" when they're on the outside of a situation and it's easy for them to see how we make ourselves unhappy and yet these same people struggle to be happy - and you are forced to shrug it off. We uphold ourselves to strict regimes of right and wrong, forgeting that things in nature are neither.

Things are distasteful to us only because we've begun to consider things an insult to our senses. That the death or killing of a person becomes important. Their destituteness or their general predicament becomes something wrong. For afterall why should we suffer? What is suffering? Is it believing ourselves unaided and helpless and left to the dogs? Or is the feeling that we've been singled out for persecution? What is persecution?...and so on and so forth.
But why do they become so attractive or repulsive - these acts we carry out? Becoz the illusion is a very convincing one. The shroud of maya envelopes us so completely, that it's real purpose is lost in translation, lost in our reasoning, lost in the factual hardiness of routine, lost in the right and wrong of desires and afflictions.

And yet, what if everything was without positive or negative connotations? What if EVERYTHING - in this world - as much suffering and ruthlessness as we see, as much love and compassion we notice - was just words we thought meant something. Something good and something bad. And so somethings became good and somethings became bad. But essentially they were neither. Never were, never will be.

But to us - becoz we hold onto the "truth" we created for ourselves - thar it lies and thar it will be. the rights the wrongs, the yin and yangs; the good, the evil; the heaven, the hell; the deeds and the sins will forever become our quests - swaying us from what we know always and the whys for why we came here to learn, relearn or remember.

So I must say, slowly I see that it is unwise to reason for reasons sake alone and I hope it has started to leave me. I am trying to believe what I think. And so far it comes in bits and pieces. The belief, it comes slowly but it is forever reassuring. Thus, I troop on.

But the illusion is to serve its purpose and thus we play our daily games and go our winding ways and love the things we want to love and meet the people we meant to meet.

And so the telling of the last two nights and my struggle with the idea of forming an attachment with a boy is not entirely inappropriate. W.

So ethereal doth he seem, that it makes me wonder what potential could be reached by just being with him. Yet in my mind there are rules tho' in my heart there are none. And because you can't control whom you love...I am torn. Perhaps it is the case of a destiny that loves and lets go. Perhaps that is what I chose for myself. Then again, maybe it isn't.

So for the time-being I will be Pooh. Just be and let it happen as it happens. If it doesn't, thus it fell and there will always be 'huny' at home. If it does, so be it.

Beggars saying it may well be but since this post started with PC last nite, there were times in the conversation where, I felt (distinctly), both of us were talking about the same thing without really talking about it. And to that end - again - as it will be so it will be.

Now to come full circle - it is a conversation worth revisiting and so it shall be - for we swapped ideas and swathed ourselves in hypothetical scenarios talked about orgasmic spiritualism, Wain Wright and Richard Bach (our respective weapons) and a lot else.

In the end our destined plan chortled and settled itself in Hawaii and it became our plan to set out every 6 months around the globe doing what we can and will around the world (to serve and love) and then recuperate in Hawaii for the other 6...oh for the world of a thousand dreams and a million possibilities! For what is to stop us from doing what we are meant to do?