Being

If attachments are thoughts, then thoughts are attachments too!

***

I find that love makes everything interesting. Even that which I used to not care for, is suddenly dancing with life of its own.

And yet, I feel heartsick.

Nevertheless, it's so different how I feel now compared to a lot of other times when I have experienced this feeling...I am calm and OK, to the point where sometimes I forget to notice - but I care.

Everyday...it is a successful brush with the future, past and present.

I feel outdated and lack understanding when it comes to W sometimes. I feel like I am not good enough...there was a time when I did...now I feel polluted somehow. Like I don't have anything to offer him and it breaks my heart that this would be like that. And yet somehow I know it isn't and aye, there's the rub.

If it were the old me I would've said - 'Don't you know my dear, everytime you reject me, even a little, I reject myself twice as hard.' But I feel instead..."the loss of a lesson not learnt, weighs too heavy on me...it rejects the source to which I am naturally bound, when that happens. And I am adamant about not staying still and not being different from the source."

Not as catchy - but certainly more than commensurate.

***

Today again was a day spend with W and co. I think everytime I am away from this overpowering emotion long enough I realize something immediately - how attached I am already! It blows my mind...how I catch myself caring about him and his, hours after I have seen him. It is truly scary to me. I also find myself experiencing familiar motions of possessiveness for him, but I find myself asking myself - "Is that unconditional love you are experiencing? Is that it?" and as soon as I say that I find a lot of the load lifted. I answer No, and return to peace and trying to love unconditionally.

***

I have to say that in many manners this attachment is destructive to my tendencies. I want only to know him and what he has to say and yet when in co. I can't help but look away or pretend not to care...so much of his gnan sounds like it came from books...it can't be truly only that...he is so conversant with EVERYTHING that it is truly a joy to know someone who invests themselves so much in knowledge. But on the other hand...I am not sure how much of that knowledge is contradictory. I am willing to bet - a lot of it, is. And seeing as how I am circumspect of textual knowledge...I am by nature, bound to keep away from it.

This utter reliance on his attention is not at all what I want to cultivate. It leaves me drained of all the spiritual energy I normally always feel. I am straying too much in this initial phase and as I remind myself of what I am spozed to be learning (when I am away from him) and whether I am in anyway controlling what I ought to know, I feel at last that I have achieved some measure of knowledge from him. Yet I am yet to implement this in his very presence...it usually ends up with me giving the impression that I don't care. Which is true...but possibly not the right impression to give. It may look like indifference, but it is love.

***

I find that I want to be with him only. Of everyone else...I feel i am certainly done with. If this is what I must learn...then i want no longer to be part of a circle of friends. family. career. or anything that will hold it back. I want it all and I want to become it all.

***

Why do I seek enlightement? Bliss? Nirvana? Moksha? The Truth - by any other name?

So I can be fully what I am rather than be these actors on their stages!

***

B---, You are my master and therefore my muse.

***

I noticed that there seemed to be a general theme in my understanding of all the discussions I witnessed today...Know, Realize, Be. As it became clear I became many times its lover.

"Is the path to the Parabrahman selfish?"
Some say no. Almost to the exclusion of all argument on the subject. And I have to say that it is. Absolutely...until the point that you BE.

It seems like a tastefully superior thing to say, otherwise...and it is anything but...you are focused on YOUR enlightenment without a care for the rest of the world...OR you are immersed in knowing THAT which YOU are - so by definition it becomes about the Self. You have a desire...which no matter it is to the exclusion of the rest...is STILL a desire - which means you are selfish until you just ARE. UNtil you are past knowledge. And Realization.

When you just BE. That's when the desire vanishes with everything else, but up until then...

The nature of reality is meaningfully subversive - I find that I think this so many times per day that it is my nature to look at everything like this now.

"The concept of lower dharma and higher dharma (swadharma)" - beats my small mind. I find that within the bounds of reality...it becomes important to distinguish the two. But above it there exists no distinction...the existence of Dharma is arbitrary...just like everything else...it is there only because it is there. Something one said on Dharma however, made me (and everyone) jolt with its beauty - "If I were to learn French...and learn the letters, then the words and learn only to make sentences with those words that can be used in situations where I am asked to respond to something - then yes I would know French...but it is not the BEST way, is it? But if on the other hand, I were to learn the grammar of French and its roots and analogies I would then be able, on my own merit, to prepare an appropriate response to any query. Dharma is like the grammar of life."

For your words are like flowers, they make me weep for their simple beauty.

"The path to enlightenment is the highest one." 'Isn't this the same as when you lose the self while helping others?' someone asked. It is not the same. When you lose a sense of self in service it comes with being/having Realized. The first step is KNOWLEDGE that we are one. The second is the REALIZATION that we are one. The Last - which we know as enlightenment - is BEING one. BEING Everything. Thus Realization and Being though successive are not the same.

Bhakti yoga, Karma yoga and Gnan yoga...An important point about the variety in these pathways is that each is particularly suitable to our tendencies. And since our tendencies change with our level of knowledge - our method of gaining higher spiritual ground changes also.

What is the path of Bhakti Yoga to Enlightenment? Bhakti yoga - described as a complete Sacrifice to the goal before attaining the Knowledge. When you BELIEVE unconditionally, unquestioningly, in the ONENESS of everything...it becomes one and you begin to understand the wisdom that it brings of the oneness and you are AWARE. It is said that after Bhakti yoga - there is no yoga for Gnan - it just comes. This is perhaps the MOST BEAUTIFUL and the HARDEST path to travel.

What is difference of the above from Gnan yoga to Enlightenment? When you are yet questioning and trying to understand the nature of reality of yourself...Gnan yoga is foremost in its abilities to satisfy - it brings the wisdom that the seeker seeks. Whence you know - you eventually realize and you BE, thence you are AWARE. Gnan yoga however is followed by Bhakti Yoga. But it is fairly easy to see why these two paths can go hand in hand. That Bhakti Yoga follows any rigor of Gnan yoga...Gnan yoga is the active search for knowledge. And whence this is complete you are filled only with the desire to attain that which you now Know. To Realize its potentiality. For this Bhakti Yoga is now the primary focus...you are devoted to the Knowledge, you profess only the love of wanting to experience it. The Realization comes. Whence you are Aware that there IS nothing but the Is...you attain it!

***

A couple of days ago, Ark brought up some interesting questions...what is the nature of this desire that we feel to merge with the Ultra-conciousness? Is it not some need that is being satisfied? Better than it might be on this plane? That we percieve that it will satisfy better than anything else we have encountered...so we do it for our own selfish reasons! It is true! nothing that we do is without selfish reasons! I want to be That! I want to experience That! It is still with the reason for satisfying what we want most even That! We do for experiencing the better, the bliss.

Desire, Desire, Desire - you hound me yet!

Besides this....he also said the nature of the Is is so pristine that it cannot be felt unless it is expressed as Love. That even when we are the Is we just ARE and therefore never know our OWN nature. It is only felt TO us, ...when we are not willing to understand that we are the Is, as being LOVE. The only way he could describe this with any accuracy is - it is the projection of the conciousness, BY the conciousness, ON the conciousness.

I think he's right!?...when you ARE LOVE...do you know any different? You can't be anything but what you are...but do you NOT experience yourself? Oi.

I know what this projecting yourself on yourself by yourself business is, yet I want to know if it is true that this Pristineness is forever unexperienced and it is only Love that explains its nature to itself.

***

Oh the sublimity of MOVIES! Look at how we project ourselves for ourselves.

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When you live by the highest you know, the outcome of the game doesn't matter. However it comes out, it came out right.