Hearts and Minds

If you are above the Illusion...understand it and its reasons.
If you are still under it...learn from it.

Under the Illusion eg: If every event we bring to ourselves...what is the purpose of the events we seem to have no control over? That seem like an injustice? Can it be they are to be learned from? They can show us the extent of our powers. How powereful we might be, how much good we might do. To prove to ourselves that the lessons were well learned. To prove we can graduate.

***

"Listen to your answers even if they are mad, so long as they are your highest truth."

"No matter how qualified or deserving you are, you will never reach a better life until you can imagine it for yourself, and allow yourself to have it."

It tells me this repeatedly, I find. I must let myself love.

***

I have been having doubts about it all. about W.
I am afraid, no doubt there.

But the things I am afraid of...they seem unusual. They warn me with examples from the past and how easily I am decieved. And if I think about it I can see why this is a rogue emotion, fear. But I don't know how to shake the feeling. They are my old fears of misunderstanding that which is love to not be love and vice versa. Of using ill-understood vibes to shape my actions.

I am torn between trying to make sense of the past and living my present to its real potential - which is unlimited, the way I see it clearly, at times when doubt and fear are absent.

Yet, the delusion works both ways...somedays, for the life of me I can't figure out what I ought to trust...the lessons from the past or the strength of what I feel (regardless of fear and doubt). The delusion overpowers me and I feel confused.

If anyone had asked me I'd have said I wanted to be singular with respect to love. That it was the single most important thing. I want it all for myself. I want to be the one for the one I choose/chose. I want perfect complementarity. I want that.

And anything that threatens this perfect fit - I am deathly scared of. For it throws into question everything I have been able to learn of what it is not. It negates the lessons...

It all starts the same way...same same but different! And thence the confusion. When it all starts so familiarly...and degenerates variously I am distraught.

Usually...I am unaware of any attraction and when I am for a while I try to destroy the idea that anyone can like me. Then slowly as I come around, the person who I percieved the attraction first from has grown out of it, tired of the resistance. And thence it devolves.

I am afraid eventhough I see this NOT happening with W so far...

The immortality of love is proclaimed and I know it to be immortal myself. Its reasons are obfuscated. The fear, sometimes it sneers that I am wrong. Mortal things are not everlasting. neither are emotions...no matter what fancy ideas I may have of love...it is still an emotion on this plane and I am deluding myself.

Perhaps, I miss the point of love sometimes. I think I confuse it with emotion too readily. But I think that is the acid-test in my arsenal...if doesn't feel like what I felt the few times I have been in the presence of Pure, Unconditional, All-delugin, All-pervasive Love, as when in P-----, then THEN it is an emotion. It is not unrestricted. It is not untainted by emotions that hurt.

And whenever I encounter these feelings...I am torn...am I to trust them or distrust them? What will be my guide to it, then? Thankfully, at hand I have a book that is helping by and by to understand it. But it fails where experience is needed. And that I await.

***

What I yearn for is the Love above Illusion. I want a taste of what the love feels like, how it is to be tapped and then I want it all.

***

"Your character grows from following your highest sense of right, from trusting ideals without being sure they'll work."

"There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts."

No Fear for Love is the ideal. W was missing today was the problem, later came the gift?
Yoi.