Causality of Nothing

The chaos beneath belies the tempest upon which the calm and order persist.

***

Love can be lost in the perceptions of sex and gender. In restrictions and preconvictions.
Be careful of what it is that you are trying to understand about love, my dear. For it is easily lost if due attention is not being paid.

***

Neti neti with a hint of Sohum Sohum is necessary. For I cannot know the nature of what I am soley by knowing what I am not...becoz I must be something...I must be THAT.

***

Those who believe that homosexuality is deviant are looking at it from a purely dogmatic perspective. Perhaps homosexuality is merely the next logical evolution in our quest for love. This came up with White Samurai, who has a hard time with the concept. And as I started to think about it I wondered if it were true...Which sent me spiralling on a quest (for the jobless this stray thought was): Most polymaths or other geniuses, who we assume are evolutionarily our superiors as people with mutiple survivalistic tendencies, also assume the nature of vague sexuality. Check: Da Vinci, Vikram Seth, Sameul Taylor Coleridge, Goethe (Faust, Theory of Colors), et al.

Which brings me the to the point about Geniuses and Polymaths - they are 'superior' becoz they have chosen to exhibit a set of skills that they thought would, in this life help understand what it was that they were learning perhaps with clarity and surety. Their lessons were to come from many places, many people. Many lesson. Many skills.

***

If God is something and there is another entity 'nothing', which is not God, then God is not everything.

So either God is everything and there is no "nothing" or there is "nothing" and all that is not God is "nothing". Which means that we are either nothing or God.

Ofcourse then classically we could have a third entity - "something" which was/is neither God nor nothing. Some would argue that God could, herself, have created this third entity. But God IS everything he created. So how/why would the third entity be different from EVERYTHING? Isn't EVERYTHING by definition covering the argument that something different is ALSO Everything??? Besides this obvious paradox, we are then different from God and God has no dominion on this third entity and therefore the premise of the argument that we all came from God but are different is completely false. We either came from God and all is God OR we came from "something" and as far we are concerned there may or maynot be a God, whose effect is insubstantial on our beings. Thus we are all something which is neither God nor nothing. We are of another nature entirely. And the nature of something may or may not be Sublime and therefore there may or may not exist salvation in any manner from it.

Oh the deviousness of arguments.

***

Proportionate cause for effect is defined as: If the cause be known only by the effect, we never ought to ascribe to it any qualities, beyond what are precisely requisite to produce the effect.

If God was the cause, who was the cause for God. Since God must also be an effect.
If the universe needs a cause, then why doesn’t God need a cause? And if God doesn’t need a cause, why should the universe need a cause?

This life of mine. To question is to know. To know is to know well. To know well is to believe it. To believe it is to realize it...to realize it is to BE that which is known.

***

More laffs from people who talk funny:

"I don't dislike him, its not about that. He's just a truly nasty person."

"He's so nice, he'd bend over backwards for you AND touch the floor."

"Do you guys ever get tired of chewing food?"

***

I was feeling dispassionate about W and was wondering whether whatever it was that I was looking for, from him was going to have to pertain to the fact that we fit...becoz somehow that seemed hollow now...lo and behold...the book sez:

"You wait a lifetimeto meet Someone, who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end, you find that Someone, all along has been you."

And I laughed out loud - because OFCOURSE that's true! What kindly words these are to me.

***

As I wonder about AP and other mind extensions and their possible benefits and what fallouts they might incur. And whether or not it fits in, with my ideas, thus says the prodigious book:

"You adjust your perceptions to a certain frequency, and call what you see "this world". You can tune yourself to other frequencies whenever you wish."

It's so eeriely on the money - it gives me the shakes. For if all of that isn't JUST a different frequency then what is it??? iCaramba!

***

Tonight - I had multiple plans - and I cancelled them all becoz I was under the impression that the next day had to start at 7am, therefore I was to go spend the night at a friends house. After much calling back and forth and jostling the schedule around and deciding NOT to spend the night in the company of a birthday girl's party (original plan), I decided instead on the said friend, having discussed these plans with her, in precise detail. Or so I thought I had. Folly of a mind that thinks it is prepared.

Said friend (Nar) and other friends...were all at one of their houses' tonite. So I decided instead to metro the distance out to her place a/f she was done there...Ark calls me and it turns out that tomorrow REALLY starts at 9am. Which gives me plenty of time to get up and carry out all my morningtuals and still manage to hitch a ride with Ark. And I wonder that it escaped both me and said friend that that was the time. Anyways, she calls me at a late hour - after she is partly done at a friends's. This to me is a late enough hour to NOT want to ride the metro to spend the night with someone who is prolly going to be sleepy and too tired to talk when I arrive. Besides this I'd have to spend 1hr commuting with weird Nightfolk.

I don't know why but an irrational fear grabbed me. I didn't want to go to meet her anymore. It was too late. It's not that I am afraid of late nite trave. I mean I used to get nervous all the time but the last few late nights I have had to travel alone, and they were later than this one tonite, I was dandy. But today - my god, you'd've had to see me to realize how shook up I was about it.

For a long moment I was VERY frustrated. The friend aforementioned, was AWARE that the meet was @ 9am. And as I had talked her through everything else...it should've come up earlier. I cancelled all these plans to make it tonight so tomorrow morning wouldn't be a problem.

Oi. Needless to say I lost my temper. I had packed. I had actually packed my stuff and was ready to leave at unsaid hour. And the call didn't come until more than an hour later. I happened to talk to Picture within that time and somehow got the impression that this is not unusal with Nar.

I cancelled my plans, aware that PC and her sister, Nar, etc were all together when I finally called and made it final.

I was home - restful. They were all there - playful. PC talked with me - read me a quote from Illusions to soothe my frayed nerves...the one about how the sky knows all the plans and one as a cloud must learn to rise above the horizon in order to see this.

A funny thing happened - as I fumed...I had a crisis. In one dull moment before the finale call - I was having a sort of a dialogue with myself:

Rightonsister:"WELL I can KNOW nothing wrong is going to happen if I make this trip...and it'll work out that way."

And sure enough, my cunning half goes: "But you don't know for sure what you believe is right or wrong. What if something WRONG were to happen? What if ripples really do exist??? What if other people can ruin your lessons? What if there is misguidance? You're riding a mighty thin line lady."

I reminded myself - "I chose this. Remember reality - and how it can be molded? If I believe this is my reality - my choice - it will remain that way...if I choose another perception...I could get hurt nevertheless and never learn a damn thing."

Wants-to-muddy-up-the-pool-sista: "But what if what you know is flawed."

Me: "Well the reality will become flawed if you believe it flawed."
Me: "Well what if your believing has nothing to do with anything?"
Me: "Oi. Make a stand, either you believe it or not! Stop your wishwashing!"
Me: "Well that's BLIND FAITH!"
Me: "Until such a time as I know different- this is what I know!"
Me: "Ok. But I want to REALIZE this KNOWLEDGE already."
Me: "Try harder."

Almost certainly one answer for this conversation is - insecurity. In moments of even not so real quandary - I still have a dialogue. I must know for SURE. Damn that Jack Bauer. He taught me to verify until there is no remaining doubt. Damn him.

And even as I had fumed after the last call - I reminded myself - lesson lesson! What are you learning about yourself?? Not just that you still get ANGRY...but WHY are you ANGRY?
And this cooled me down. Greatly - I was still mildly resentful, but for the better part the anger had *poof* disappeared!

Thus, I wondered then why it was that I was so angry just a little while ago - why had it bothered me so much at the time that I had to cancel other plans to make this little trip and it didn't work out. An answer for my anger is - my pride. However smaller it may have gotten...it is still alive and doing quite well for itself. Setting up import-export even.

I obviously felt that a cavalier attitude towards a large commute is unacceptable - however momentary that unacceptance is. A bruised ego is a fine spectacle, is it not? I can't believe that something that silly - a change in my level of informativeness made me so amply angry.

It was the indecisiveness that done it...not knowing whether or not I ought to go still, even after I was garanteed a ride with Ark, Nar's reasons for wanting to see me...what really was bothering me about the late night travel...etc etc...I am indecisive...I dislike desicions. I spend days balancing out the good from the not so much about notecards. So you can imagine what this was doing to me. It was like the war of the whoopie cushions inside me head fer a sicend.

Fastidious art thou - oh ego your reasons are but shallow beckonings of mistrust.

What a queer outbreak!

***

That same night I was invited to W's but chose not to go in lieu of above fiasco - I am w(e)ary of him. I don't know anymore whether I am ready to learn whatever it is that is to be offered to me. Besides I am not sure about his tendencies either. Which sometimes disarm me and other times make me nervous. Ofcourse another reason I'd've brought up, rationally, were it anyone else is that I am angry about W enjoying his time with friends, while I got to stay at home. Am I (shudder) jealous?

I would ashamedly admit that I was a little disturbed by something earlier last week - his attitude with the ladies...it's a bit, how-do-you-say? Cocky. Jealousy I have chosen to forget...infact that's a ramblelog on its own merit...and I'm still brining the ideas on this, for it is something I meditated on and realized the import of...to him o'course. Not to say that I abide by it. I still don't necessarily like it or will necessarily abide by it...but it's his deal. Not mine. And as long as those 2 paths don't overlap - everything can be said to be running smoothly.

Thus, though convincing in its realm, that isn't a reason all by itself. It oughtn't be. Besides he was entitled to his friends and time with them WAY before I even knew him. So that's not it.

It's definitely my ego and the fact that I had plans I went through extreme discomfort to cancel at what appears to be solely my expense. It would make me victim to Friday's curse of the wallflowers. No-plan-girl stays at home. She must be inflamed - she's been taken for granted!

Granted? I'd say having 3 people clamoring to make plans with me...I fear not grantedness...the fact that I ended up alone as per MY decision means that actually what I have is - something I have needed for a while - A RESTFUL FRIDAY NIGHT. And it was MY decision. So I WANTED it...however contrary it seemed hours ago.

I was angry whence i thought the cancellations were pointless. But as soon as I understood that the point was solitude, the anger vanished.

Though it seemed like it'd be better spent in company - in all honesty I've been whining about the birthday party and not wanting to go to it all week. All last week I was sulking over having no ME time! All this aggravation, and dissatisfaction from seeing fleeting glimpses of W that I was starting to dislike had built up - and I was really in no mood to have a long winded conversation about something I was saying that I wasn't sure the other person even fully comprehended.

Actually when it comes down to it - I think I was really bent out of shape because I wouldn't be able to relax and read this great book that I wanted to read while I was traveling. This is laughably significant because even as I had opened this entry for editing to add all these thoughts in...I had subconciously pulled it out of my travel bag. And it sits beside me waiting to stimulate me.

I needed this time to myself. IMPORTANTLY, I need this time to focus on things that matter. And the book I wanted to so read all day. I feel as if there is something hidden in it.

Besides, if there is something in the situation I have missed then it will make itself obvious when I so choose. As other reasons unfold...I will become better able to understand tonite.

For now it is my nightly tryst with Jack Bauer that beckons. And then onto the bright book that wants to share some scientinstinct.

***

Significantly the Messiah book earlier said: "To learn anything, you must put aside the safety of your ignorance."

I wonder if this pertains to my realization seeking questions or the fact that tonight was spozed to be on the lam and I should've persevered with the plans as haphazard as they seemed and not had doubts, or both. Hmmm.

Then it said, whence I was angry:

"Every event is subjective: not what it means, that matters, but what it means to you."

"You build lifetimes as spiders build webs. Lots of trials, sometimes, to fit one strand."

Oh joy and mystery hand in hand you go. Such ponderous words as these I must bind to my bosom as I sleep tonight...for with the mysteries of the world, tonight I sleep with the bodies of doubts that assailed me in broad daylight. To words I cling tonight.