What do I say??? Below art written the thoughts of a person who refuses deep meditation. For if all is not music, then what is some music that is better than others? Silly nilly you say that which you mean with the means that don't make a way.
For words carry their weight and they describe a subtle thought ere and nigh. Tho' these thoughts thou sought, it is all but the very same, cast in different light colors...I see I see what it is that every word is wrought of...the very same life that is wrought into us...we pass it on...to the words of us, to give them a life we little ken. For music is music but, it rejects its robing thus. Albeit! I said what I said much as I meant this. And I am nought but unassimilated...if at first light that did not shake me very core and make itself so ever apparent as it always has been. I see I see, for the rhyme and reason are as ill-founded as faith is narily. The words they are illuminating...for all are wrought in that same wondrous light, though we forget its original Divinity.
***
Today, it would seem, was the second time in a week I was to learn the lesson of patience and foresight.
I've been trying to make atleast 5 different things work in the lab, of recent. This is not unusual for me. If one thing won't work, I have the benefit of 4 others to look forward to, not working.
Having sought many dead ends and been rewarded with more than those I sought...I was breaking free by going under-the-radar, with a not-so-hot experiment to follow up on something. Turns out 1 of the 4 parameters...the very same one that I was keen on testing, was the very same one I screwed up. Having spent a good 9 hours on the experiment, not to mention the pre-planning of it...I was much distraught. I was given wholeheartedly to blaming the ill luck of the department for my misfortunes. It seemed in a fearful second, that I would never leave. One after the other, all the experiments would fail, and I. would. be. trapped. in. grad. school. for. EVER. AAA. AAAA. AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
Well anway with much ado and dejection I passed out of it and headed towards the analysis of the experiment in its incompletion. As I sifted throught the data, something started to become more and more prominent in 3 of the 4 parameters tested...it was definite that there was a shift in the perception of the TWO MAIN criteria in all the samples. I worked it up...talked to her...and before I knew it my head, and I am sure her head, was swimming with ideas. Positively frothing. Nought the less to say of it, clearly I had misjudged the situation, launched into a much woebegotten hour or two at no real cost and ONLY THEN REALIZED THAT the POINT of one of the things NOT working was so I'd notice the obvious change in the other 2 criteria. I would've completely missed them had the first thing worked. I cannot impress upon anyone how fortunate it was that the first didn't work. I wouldn't have the possiblities-are-overflowing scenario in my head, if it had gone according to plan.
So that was that.
Anyahoo, there was another such occurence, which was something I have been working on over three months on and off...and for the past 4 weeks events that were beyond my control have delayed my experimenting with the new conditions I hoped to test out. So finally last week I started the assay. And I finished it today...not hoping for anything. Nought it seemed was wrought of it in actuality. That in layperson means that all it amounted was a hill of beans. The experiment to my naked eye seemed like it was a dud. Such was my disconcert that I was almost tempted to throw out the dish without even testing it perfunctorily. Then on a whim i decided to run it through the analyzer. I was there, the plate was there, the analyzer was available too. What was holding me back? So thar I blew. And whoa nelly! sure as gold...it churned out some beautiful numbers.
So twice in one day...it seemed that my positive energy was threatening to quell, when all of a sudden...things seemed to work out. Last week the same happened with Nar. I was angry until i realized a night by myself was much desired.
So in the end...things have a way of working out for the very best. When you lack patience or foresight...things seem to make no sense. I must learn if not the obvious then the subtle art of thinking ahead...even though it appears obfuscated at that moment in time when things crash around my ears. It must become clear that patience is key to learning the paramount of lessons.
I am aware of its necessity.
I have realized that since I am in the cuckold of the Illusion, I have to learn to understand it better. And daily do the skills needed become apparent. I can rise above it and to rise above it need nothing but my will and my assurance. So until such a time as that is deemed nigh, I will learn and learn.
***
Science, nay life, rejects classification. Rejects preconception. Everytime one thinks an aspect of it has made itself clear...bam! it throws you a doozie with a "try that one wiseguy".
I have learned that the nature of life is what it is so that it can help one understand oneself better. It rejects classification, because we CHOOSE to classify it not understand it. I reject classification, the nature of me is to find newer theories to fit around me and when those become snug, I reject them and move on. Evolving, much as life elsewhere.
Try and define Science...and sure enough there will be anomalies. Everytime has someone come closed to draping it in a preconception...something that is held ever so dearly...Nature/Space/Time/the Universe/God/Life have all denied it vehemently. They have presented what seemed at first glance incompatible ideas. Chaos and Balance. Surely the two deny each other? Thus it is in this wily way that they deny that we are close to the answers the way we search them. The most perception-altering ideas occur when our mind is with the mind of 'God'. The deepest truth only becomes clear when we seek it for its very presence...for we found our way away from it and now we're finding it back. When that truth is found testable or untestable - it will be embraced by those who are ready and rejected by those who seek to test it still.
And until you believe what you are made aware of, Science's sterile nature cannot be superseded, for you to see the beauty of the futility we put into deciphering it. For we are but entrenched in solving the illusion we so lovingly created. To understand the bigger things one must look at ones surroundings once in a while. For in their creation lies the mystery of ours. Or so we believe & thus the quest.
***
I don't listen to music with beats that are obtrusive or chaotic. I am not moved by writhing, painful OR meaningful (even) lyrics. Words seem superflous. They describe the very heartache of human existence when really the very existence of humans is much our own doing. What words can change anything? What words can mean anything that is already not meant without words? What can words do but show us how we feel? The feeling of Feeling has passed. And so I feel the need to feel not so stirring as claimt the world. It is surely what makes us human, they decry me. Nay soothesayers, being human is being limited by the very definition of it that thou useth to apply to me...so on and so forth.
You notice the apparent irony - I hope.
In short, anything that is in general a sort of cacophony - falls short of appealing me. For the service of such refrains is to distract not soothe me. There's nothing wrong with the kind of music aforementioned, esp. if your intent is to use the music for purposes other than mine. Besides those conceptions, one man's trash...is my treasure.
For me music is not only the means to an end. It is the symphony of everything that is expressed...it is the very symphony of the universes...that which I wish to listen to ONLY and in exclusion, for what better music can there be than the music that runneth the very soul of us? Surely such is the intent of any that search for that indefinable quality in music. Because I listen to music that helps me reach the very pinnacle of human experience. That experience where every thing is illuminated. It is irradiant with that which I seek. The River, i go walking in, that is only a river to my self-limited senses.
***
The reason sometimes for my overwhelming resentment for the body I own has finally made itself apparent today. For some reason it has only now occured to me - that were it that detachment was the eventual necessity...the first to go would have to be the body. And whence that which I resent already...I can only be too glad to be rid of. Atleast so this simple mind believes. I have done much to alleviate the necessity of ugliness, so i may become that which may entice my lessons. But not so much have I changed that i don't understand the futility of holding onto it.
Thus, detachment I have met one of your bets and raised you one...show me your mind. Or show me mine.
***
A question has arisen. What determines the tiniest events in our lives? What begets the biggest discoveries? The biggest accomplishments? Lessons Lessons...but they are based on principle. We plan and plan for centuries so the idea may fit on one strand...had you not said that O' messiah?
***
"And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles."
"And even as each one of you stands alone in God's knowledge, so must each one of you be alone in his knowledge of God and in his understanding of the earth."
KG
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