Tat

I went. I saw. I failed.

A part of me surrendered to the love that I have always known and a part of me fell prey to struggle. A part of me that seeked to be freer still found itself bound more. A part of me that was pleasuring away found guilt. A part of me was happy and a part of me concious that this happiness was not everyone's to be had. A part of me was bound by duty and a part of me convinced that with all its struggles my only duty lay to Him.

What does one make of such tantamount experience? One makes emotions initially and then the feeling become meaningful whence converted to thought.

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." - Gandhi

The freedom I seek...it is not without pitfalls. For everyday I see myself do something I wisht I hadn't done. I recommend myself the same procedures in and out which I wisht weren't mine to recommend. I see what people mean when they say that it's all struggle for though in the moment of truth it all becomes clear and simple and though it stays with you for long lest you want otherwise. As soon as a distraction comes along, Excuses make themselves apparent, People make their claim on you, you forget what it was exactly like...it lingers for however long it can and then it stumbles and falls and with no one to revive it, it is forgotten and things become hard again.

Ans so it was that I was tested thus. I realized two things amidst these if you let their judgement get to you...thar you falter. If you stop spending time with that voice which tells you what it means to BE, then you've made your first mistake...it is already harder when you don't know what it means...and when you stop hearing it altogether...well you've lost the way to what it was you sought. That may be how it was deigned or it may just be that you have now forgotten that which your whole conciousness has sought.

For were they not Gandhi's famous words: "Action expresses priorities "

***

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

"I for one have never supported passive aggressiveness. I believe in fighting the aggressors but not provoking them. I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life." - Gandhi

Strong-willed must mean the will to not be moved to retaliatory action when faced with violent action, but to recognize that violence is a manifestation of human weakness and weakness can only be rectified by love and education.

I have finally understood what the purpose of B---'s ignoring me was - I think I chanced upon it accidentally before...but in the tumult of contradictory emotions it was forgotten...it has chanced upon me again - the Ignoring was for me an ultimate test of how deep my ego goes. It is a way for him to show me how disastrous it was when I let that conquer me when I was there. Yes I opened up my heart to him...but I was also disappointed and angry when no response was recieved. How I pined, how I cried, how I felt I had been shortchanged - not realizing ofcourse that the "I" was slowly taking over the idea that He was afterall within me and I could always talk to him and gain his guidance thence.

***

How foolish thee be...who chases the grace of God concious only of themselves.

***

I have heard people say and it has echoed with my past:

"if you don't understand the rules you don't have to play by them."

Ignorance rules the hour.