Betwixt my ego and my need for a guru...i found this in His dismissal of me:
I found that the need for both is prodigal.
Ego obfuscates because it is also party to illusions.
A Guru shows how but can not show what.
However, Only He who is Sadguru can show all. He can show That and he can show the Way. But he won't unless you truly seek it. And then He shows by the best way, nay, the only way which is through yourself. Through direct experience.
A Master that is physical can only lead...he can not BE for you. The Master within you can lead and BE and it is the same as you Leading and Being.
***
I was having a conversation with Ark the other day and we talked of Mahatma Gandhi. We talked of experiences with the Divine. And I said something as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew was severely flawed and I self-corrected at the moment without realizing how profound my folly was.
I see it now for what I see it now as.
I said, "One reason why I won't hand over the Reins to S----, that I can't surrender completely to Him is because I don't at any point want to blame him for anything in my life. Which is what will happen if my life goes a certain way without my express approval. And I know this is my Ego speaking...but it is true."
In that moment I admitted to a weakness. I admitted to future weaknesses were I to continue believing that. I spoke of complete surrender like a person unaware of the Elixir of Life, who has gone in search of it, speaks of it adoringly but as if it is quite out of reach. And it was a misrendering of complete surrender.
Complete surrender lends no responsibility of questioning the outcomes. Complete surrender renders craving for the fruits of action useless and unnecessary. Complicated words these. Easily misinterpreted. Or perhaps interpreted to each's own abilities and therefore open to argumentation. Had I completely submitted my will - there would be no sorrow, no blame, it is the way it is. It will be the way it will be. There would be no way that is chosen that ISN'T right. That there would be one more life of mine in experiencing desires that even I may not be fully aware of. So there you have it...to doubt is to not understand fully.
***
In my recent perusal of a book "the four agreements" I came across the first part of the book and it took me by surprise and it took my breath away.
In it Don Miguel Ruiz says that "It is not the stars that make the light. It is the light that makes the stars." He also says that all of matter is a Mirror...reflecting light. Therefore we are all percieving the idea that we are matter when we are all really light...reflecting other light. We are beings of light...as is everything else in the world. Besides this part of the book which was so magnificient and beautiful the rest of the book tended to be more "practical", which in my opinion was not as fulfilling as others found it to be...the ideas have always been there...and whenever you see it expounded again and again by people in the world they come out in ways that are harmonic and identical. The beauty is somewhat lost when you try to relate it to the real world when you don't realize that the world isn't real. The "agreements" are only there so that they make the path less stumbly more easy to traverse until we get to the point where the basis of the "agreements" becomes visible and it becomes unnecessary to accept them as is, because it is no longer necessary to justify them because the cause for the world becomes apparent. Until such a time though...isn't it more peaceful to live it like it DOES matter exactly how we treat and speak to each other?
In many ways the idea had been introduced into my psyche long before this re-encounter, and many times in my life I have pondered it but have been put off by "the voice of reason" as being dreamy.
When I first encountered the idea of light in Physics...the fundamental idea of color perception and reflection was being taught to me by my Dad. He explained to me why different objects have different colors. It was because some matter (and its associated properties) absorbed some light and reflected those wavelengths that it didn't absorb...thus it was reflecting light. Thus, all we percieved was reflected light. The actual object doesn't possess color. It is the color reflected that we percieve and we unknowingly attribute that to the general characteristic of an object. Thus, all objects in this world are a combination of matter...which has no real properties besides those defined by light.
Thus, Light is the basis for all perception...that matter exists is secondary to the concept that it can be percieved. If it can't be seen, it may very well be a myth or if it can be simultaneously in two places at once...it is the light we percieve from the two places...not the transmutation of matter.
This is so fundamental and yet there is something lacking...I still can't put my finger on it...that this physical world is so rigidly encased...it is food for the brain: The perception of touch...
***
There have been several dreams that I meant to explore for my benefit and there remains the account of my hiatus...and the myriad lessons learned there in that I must ponder at length. It has been some time since I have sat down for more than one day and thought about everything around me in a more stark sense, in a more thoughtful sense...and that day has come again. I am glad that I didn't force myself earlier...it would've been a pity if I had left this off in a flurry of disdain.
There were many profound books that I read. There were things i mean to discuss. It is hard indeed once to fall off this wagon of writing and try climbing back on it while it proceeds at full speed...but it must be done...for parts of me still think only when they write.
The dream where I was verbally abusing my parents and their thoughts and lives...which amounted to verbal torture as I saw them cringe and react to my harsh words, which even in my dream bore heavy on my heart...for as I saw myself say things to them that I couldn't fathom the reasons for, as an observer, i felt my heart sinking, a weight settling on me. I was incurably sad after I woke up and disturbed for a long time because I saw myself say things to them...trying to make them see by disparaging them how pointless it was that their lives were bound by me. I felt more so than anything else...GUILT. And since this has been the overarching theme in my life for the past month...I am sure I was re-experiencing in my dream a more acute version of what I hold in my heart at all times...Desperation and Contradiction and Frustration and Guilt that comes from acting on the three emotions before it. And most of all this comes from the attachments that bind me to them and what remains of my life here.
It has also been comical to see how certain events in my life seem to be tests of my mental make-up/shake-up. That even as this dream affected me there was a tiny voice inside of me...and believe me I didn't hear it for a while...saying "well that's ludricous, you'd NEVER do that to your parents...and THEY would never warrant such behavior from you." And that is reassurance enough for the while.
As well as knowing that to resolve is to do. I bear that close to my heart as I walk this road for it is full of perils begotten of relations. And until such a time as all is one finally...I shall have to make sure I am sure.
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