Savitur

I feel the depth of my understanding has lost its focus since the trip.

I came back muddled and unsure of myself, with each passing day, however, I grow surer...I have my answer in the "resolve" that was put to my doorstep. But I can't stop assailing myself with whether I have fully understood that/it.

For one, since my return I find myself oddly affected by things that portray duality and the fact that people are ignorant of differences. Isn't that odd? How both these things are so Ironic...so fundamentally different. And yet the basis for intolerance is the knowledge that 'they' are different, but no idea what the differences are. No idea how they are the same. The basis for percieving a duality is the faith in the differences.

And thus it follows,

If I percieve ignorance, I am myself ignorant of something.

So I question why and I answer my questions.

I am affected by the portrayed differences people hold on to. I am affected by lack of understanding that the general populace holds dear to itself.

Thus, it must be that I believe something too. And this belief is contrary to other thoughts. As soon as I wrote the word 'contrary' it began to dawn upon me...the subtle transitions the mind makes...the effect of a loved ones words on the percieved unity or disparity of thoughts.

The mind - It yields to adapt. It is eager to adapt.

Since, the primary basis of any understanding of the world is knowing that in the contrary opposition of things lies the important lesson, I explored that. And I came to conclusion that one too many times I was beginning to believe again that i knew better.

I'd thought that what the 'ignorance' belied was lack of understanding. But it was not this that thwarted my patience...it was harboring the belief that there was substantial resistance to removing said ignorance and such resistance was nought but wrong. Forgetting that it was never wrong. That it may always have been fraught with fear and insecurity. The front of 'apparent superiority' belies a darker underbelly. A lack of true understanding made me my own greatest nemesis. And such balking mystified me for days! And now it presents itself in contrary words.

That substantial reasons must then be presented to remove said substantial prejudice...escaped my mind. If I aimed to change the world...be it that I am convinced it must be changed...then atleast I must know that the greatest conviction for the other person is exposition of direct exprience.

And such is the nature of ignorance as explained to me.
It is important to dispel it should the other party be ready to accept...but let it be not the reason you rally a cry that none but you must hear. Even in the strongest stubbornest ignorant mind, one can find the birth of forbearance for those who seek to cure it.

And be it not that as you try to enlighten, you try to change. For to spread the word is what you may be self-bound to do, but to accept and bind themselves to those words are another's initiative. One must ONLY lead the horse to water. To drink or not to drink is its perogative. And it is pointless to try otherwise.

***

I think the Philosophers Stone must be that thing which makes the essence of the essential finally obvious in all. And the thing I have been wanting to experience is that which is known as the Unity in the multiplicity. For that was Nature's Plan. The lack of substantiating differences. The lack of differences that cannot be but compared to a similarity.

So, I hate this music, you hate the other kind. But we both hate. I dislike your point of view as you dislike mine...we both dislike...for common reasons...though they appear different to the mind that doesn't bother to dig deep for their resonance.

And thus I come to that which has become the thing I am beginning to search for in every lesson on my path...the Common. The One. For Believing and Being are two different beasts. As long as I Believe without Being/Knowing I cannot know fully what it is that I Believe.

I am used to believing that there are no differences without knowing whether that is the real truth. I know that intrinsically there can be no differences that cannot be made similarities, and that even the odd choice of violence and chaos is there for a reason - harmonious in Nature.

And this reason is perfect, all of the time.
It isn't arching towards perfection...there is NO real evolution to perfection. It is perfect, I AM perfect. All the time. It is the difference between not knowing what perfect is, knowing all is perfect and just being the perfect that separates the men from the saintly men and the saintly men from becoming God.

It is as simple as all that.

***

I have begun to percieve the deception of words. For words can be fallacious. And as I was delightfully surprised to find that sentiment echoed in something I read...I begun to know it better in that moment of synergy. Reading powerful pieces of spirituality without thought is fully useless.

Reading without fully describing the effects of the words can be even be detrimental...for I see now what it was that was making me uneasy. Having read as sparsely as I manage to...I was starting to believe, without realizing, the difference between Good and Evil. Forgetting for the moment that the opposites are tools for the Manifold to explain itself to us. That though they are not to be discounted as an illusion it is easy to forget the infidelity of mind to discriminate anything outside of these terms.

For if all is not illusion, then somethings are real...and those must be discerned. As Tech so recently put it..."I believe in a reality that is beyond me and my perceptions" and thus made perhaps the greatest argument for the existence of God. As the discrimination of the truth behind it all becomes my priority I must use that which is unaffected by the qualities we attribute to everything else, thus I will naturally desist from my intellect, from my use of opposites to discern the truth, from my use of anything I have/will use to describe the percieved reality.

As the Truth beyond the apparent clockwork becomes visible, it requires suspension of every tool one is equipped with to realize it in its Ultimatum. For every tool has been used to get to this point. And you are left with Sat-Chit-Anand.

***

It occured to me that whilst I was reading much literature in all it was said one way or another that the 'evil' was to be replaced with the 'good'. That there was a right and a wrong. That there was truth to the alleiviation of pain and suffering.

And I forgot. Forgot in the aftermath of these words to remember the necessity of 'to each one his own' and 'no one way, no right or wrong way', no pain, suffering and evil or good.

These only exist if we percieve them to exist. If we believe them to exist, and if that is what one is motivated by, well it was meant to be so. But if one is not meant to believe any of it then nothing can change one's mind.

So, with the right person and right bent of destiny even a tiny event can change the manner of thinking, of living. For those who are meant to change the course of history are meant to change it, regardless. For ones who are to help and be helped, there will always be help needed and given.

Gosh! How could I have forgotten that which was once so easily remembered!

A thing I learned in my trip was that it was easy to think about no evil and no good...in abstract forms, when you don't fully comprehend.

'Destroying evil' is percieved differently by different people...for one it may mean to wage a holy war that destroys all that is evil according to a limited perception. For another it could mean obliterating that which threatens their way of life - another limited perception...that believes that no other way life could possibly be as fruitful as theirs. It only wreaks destruction...this thinking. And sometimes it preserves. But only itself. But so be it.

For me 'the destruction of evil' means that the light of knowledge is what destroys evil.
It destroys the IDEA of there being an evil.

An easy fallacy to commit is to replace the "evil" with good.

But so it isn't...for both good and evil though an integral part of the perfection that is Maya are qualities that the brain responds to. The mind responds to. To discover That which is beyond the mind and the brain's intellect...one must shed the qualities it attributes to the wider world. Those of yin and yan. Those of good and evil. Those of opposites. For the world is taught in opposites and the world teaches the nature of the Atman in opposites. But to know the Atman in its entirety one must assimilate millions of years of information and become one with it. Become aware that the differences were only apparent not intrinsic.

***

I wonder wherein I will find the death of differences. For there I will find the end of my quest.

***

A moon or so ago I had a dream. In this dream I died...or someone who was so close to me it felt like me, died. It was momentary, this death...lasted but a second. People around me were in a frenzy. I was onlooker, subject and party at the same time. And yet I was torn looking askance. Someone kept yelling for an ambulance, an ambulance...911! they cried. And all that came was the taxi. And someone in the taxi leaned out and waved their hand at the crowd. Gesturing. I can't recall what it was that this person was saying...or doing. All I remember is ALL it took was this person to show up. And I was awake again. I was breathing again...or I held her who was breathing again.

And then as the taxi left...the person who was holding the holdee...cried out for it to come back...but I was alright. Or so it seemed.

After much rankling about - the only person I can attribute to the taxi was S----. Perhaps i only WANT to do that. Thus I am. But for some reason I feel as if "Godsend"came and left and I was alive again.

As dreams are significant only if you so consider them...and I do...this dream to me spoke like an allegory. Whilst my hiatus...I experienced the loss of what had become a quintessential part of my life. My peace. My inward path was torn from my bosom and made public and questioned and belittled and compared to sundry. And though of most of these I was a willing participant and I was not upto its comparison to everyman's struggle to define their existence with spirituality. This I cannot still abide by. And this has been my rebirth. For if it were a phase I should be so lost in my life henceforth, I shall immediately revert back to the original person I had been (and I did for a while) - cynical and mildly bitter.

And so though there was the possibility that everything everyone said about this struggle coming back to par and ending in the worldly fruition of desires...it doesn't seem as such to me now. And for the while that is all that matters. Because if the world began to matter to me again, i would not be as satisfied as I am now. And for now it is all I aim for...a peaceful existence...and as I tend deeper and deeper inwards...I discover realms entirely unexplored...and I become more part of the world than I can ever be otherwise. And I am loathe to lose this.

Importantly - there is the chance that I am wrong and only afraid. I am afraid that were the second option true, there is no way to bring what I now know to the world?! And that is truly useless learning.

***

I broke a pair of glasses today. I wondered about that, as I am wont to wondering about everything nowadays. A fool wonders, the wise, they Know.

So as I clamored onto the bus to go home and get my other pair put on...I started to see something. Or rather not see it. And I wondered and wondered...why was it that i had this vision imbalance...that I need the Aid of something to see the World better, and without I saw it blurry, fuzzy, without outlines...without immediate boundaries.

And as I am wont to be mystical, I divined reasons for this abstract discrepancy in my sight.
The discrepancy exists as a parallel to my personality - in one view. My personality percieves things that are close. Not far. That which is not precieved to be close is lost in a blur. This strikes a chord, psychologically, with me. This severe lack of focus...lets me see the world in a sheer of confused colors...which makes it so much the easier to see the lack of defined differences in anything. Much as if everything was one and yet myriad.

It only becomes eminent as something else when I put my worldly glasses on - much like my body. It is one of the miasmas of life in the world to be half-blind, but i have waited for the day I would treasure it and it has come...the world I cannot be attached to if I don't even percieve my attachments clearly. The confusion has worked to my advantage...how perfect!

And thus I wondered when it would end. And the answer though it came...sounded a bit overused perhaps...but for the time being I will go with the pithy and not the poetic...

'when i begin to see no difference in the blurry and clear. No boundaries are apparent, when i begin to percieve not with my mind...but with something deeper...not even the heart with its fallacies...but that which can percieve without attributing qualities, without percieving differences...that which I do not know what to name today...that is the day when the difference between being half-blind and being eagle-eyed will end'.