Sathya

Know this: No lesser understanding of the matter can change the life of a person than that used to divine it!

***

It is as if the effect of the trip is forever embalmed in my heart as a token of what relationships can do to me. It was, in ways, toxic to my peace, just as it was that this toxin taught me the meaning of a wider truth!!!!

They have made me question the very depth of my knowledge and now I am riding out the extent of the questions they asked. If I survive this...then thus be it. If not? Well I spoz it was meant to be what it is meant to be.

Last night as I lay me down to sleep...and as I pondered the meaning of my unrest - I remembered it.

I had repressed it. It was the memory of my Mom telling me about S----- B---, and the question she asked that was answered a certain way. Now this question concerned me and my future.

So, when I remember hearing it I remember my being extremely agitated by it.

Ofcourse at the moment I came up with alternate answers that fit the situation - but it was more or less...me trying to avoid the circumstance of such n such happening.

So anyway here I was blocking this memory...and I chanced upon it last night. And AGAIN it disturbed me endlessly.

And the words came unhindered, out of my mouth...
"Well if it is NOT my will then it won't...", and I caught myself midsentence.

"My" will? How is "My" will separate from "His" will? How are any wills separated from each other???

And immediately the occult duality in this perception became clear...it became clear why the idea of duality was particularly irksome these past few weeks...because I have been trying to avoid a situation that I think has been caused by a God who is separate from me. My will has always been His will just as His will has been My will.

Lest I forget that!

So if there was meaning to that event...then the meaning was brought to me by myself...nothing higher exists as does nothing lower. The meaning of the event as it was divined may exist in its manifoldness...it is but for me to wait and see.

I have percieved one more truth and it was dealt hard. For a measure of time I thought I had forgotten the meaning of truth...the meaning of peace! AND IT had vanished for it was to be my falling that taught me the truer meaning of Satashya Sathyam!

I asked to learn this!!!! It was taught to me!!! Oh I love Thee! Thee are merciful as thee are bountiful!

***

I have been for a while vehemently denying the idea of a relationship. And the key word becomes denial. Whence in denial one is unable to reconcile the idea before oneself - though it be true or it be false. And thus it has happened to me. I have been so much in denial I have refused to understand what it is that stands so daringly in front of me. The value system I so cherish that I am afraid of letting go, is becoz I praise my own conformities to it. Never for a moment did it strike me the end result could actually be the same. For since the seed of desire has been sown...I am not happy with it. The desire I spozed was a culmination of all the antithetic ideas I thought were part of it.

But I forget to understand the seed of desire itself. The reasons for its being sown, sprouting and its growth...I forget that I have years on my life that I am yet to live and what was I planning to do with them? Where else would the lessons pour from?

I had begun to think myself Above it!!! And thus it has smote me down...my fate deals in gleeful ego-smashing!!! Today Prettyica made that much clear! Oh dearest, by showing me my hidden arrogance...you have done me such great service! I am FOREVER indebted to you!

By denying the possibilty of desire I had decided that it was a lesson not for my learning. It was a 'lesser' lesson!!! I was 'above' it! I already knew it! I already knew the extent it could take me! Goodness!

Relationships and all that ensues in them...I already knew not to be the truth! And by this very desicion...by acknowledging something to be untrue...by dismissing it...I learnt that I am forever the fool.

It was just as Siddhartha had regarded the life of the normal person. Dismissive and amusing. Mockingly, arrogantly he had observed their lives. Until he understood finally that lives do not leave the truth to pursue an illusion. The illusion is ALSO THE TRUTH.

For we move from truth to truth. Until such a time as it can all be only that - TRUTH! No LIES. Dear Vivekananda I hear you clearly in my head, finally it has settled...the words I read that night...that I was unable to fathom the depth of, the relevance of in my life...I see them now. Plain as light. They brought tears to my eyes and I knew not why exactly until I was shamed by my very plain sight today. Oh the beauty, oh the overflowing love!

No lies exist! Only truths. ONLY TRUTH!

Such for me. For my subtle ego has caught up and set up shop here too. I had become what i had hoped not to. By its exclusion I had decided I already knew...not knowing for sure if that were true! By thinking that the unbidden rule that 'the more advanced learnt the harder lessons' - was true, I denied myself the understanding that there is no 'advanced' lesson. No harder tasks...no easier jobs! No upper and no LOWER!!! That all lessons stand together! That no matter what it is that we learn...we learn from it equally. We are equal beings. Equal in understanding and knowledge. Equal in all measure including our quests!

Oi - for I have been BLIND! Disparity it hounds me until I not flee from it but dispel it accordingly. It meets me on the road, as a desirous mate. A fleeting guilt. A momentary passion. A long-lived repressed intimation! A word. A thought. A glance.

I must know all the truths...for that is THE TRUTH!

***

Thus it is that I spoz if I were faced with a situation where I could be intimate with a person I had grown to love...would I deny myself that? Were it such that I was overwhelmed by its beauty...by its wonderous Awe? No NO NO! I would never deny myself the pleasure of true company! The pleasure of lessons learnt with the person unnamed that were not just summative! Were it a commited relationship that was desired...I would absolutely commit to it.

***

In a way the reason i rebelled against it was because for my parents there doesn't seem to be another way. They are fairly spiritual...and for them the culmination of spirituality is not abstract from this world. Truly it is poetic this understanding of God. But the vision limits itself were it that you were also not open to the idea that the way it culminates can be different from theirs. This made me feel immensely underpressure and guilty.

In a way, it bothered me when my father kept saying...you will end up with the same understanding that I had of these events and realize that life doesn't stop and one must do the necessary. What you are discovering is nothing new or novel...it has always been there...but it shouldn't rule your life like this! But Dad! Life NEVER STOPS! I know this NOW! And if letting something rule my life is an option I have already decided upon then no will but mine can change that and that change is also part of my fate! Nothing is necessary...just as EVERYTHING is. There is no thwarting the rules of society. There is only knowing that the rules of society are just as true as anything else. And they can be your truth...or there is another one for you.

***

We are only here to understand the choices we've already made.

***

I am unable to reason or believe. Which I believe is the other shortcoming I have discovered of myself. Not only that all the ideas I had were in my head...but that a lot of them were ideas I couldn't put into practise when beckoned to. I failed. At the moments they occured I was suitably detached, but it was a front. As soon as it fell away...the moments and their lessons caught up to me and I failed to recognize that I had failed to understand what they were asking of me. A broader perspective. A wider understanding. An unfailing disposition of peace that cannot be disturbed by whatever may come.

The lessons can be learnt without being bothered by them.
Jeisus! How shallow does thou understanding extend! For if it encompasses not all...then what be it that you search for...for your search only gets more subtle and twicely profound everystep. Until there be no differences in the Truth you see.

***

The unity of the paths. The essence/equality of all the lessons. There is no discrepancy. There are no exceptions. Within the realm of everything, the exceptions fall also.