Of recent I have found that I am at odds and crosses with people I know...It is not all harmony and acceptance. It is the pitting of thought against thought. And I voiced this concern to myself and slowly it evaporated as the unimportance of the clauses that bind the thoughts became apparent...as my will to let live triumphed over the will to be "right".
For we are all "right", we're just as we were meant to be. For Creative desire is perfection itself. And thus cometh from it Perfection in multiplicity. And purely Beatific they seem.
***
"I feel fake, I feel faker and faker."
Said the lonesome snake to the canny Baker.
The wise old man said back to him,
"Thou art what thou art and shall be for anon, so be it and know it well for it shall end soon and another shall you become.",
The snake hissed drearily, "What is it that I can be and feel other than a snake, it is all I have known and it is all that makes me so weary, so very numb, so very fake."
The Baker consoled Snake so very quietly, but the snake, ever so woe-begotten, forgot to control his forked tongue so mitely,
"I rarely spit and I rarely hiss and people weave strange tales of fear around an apple and my head, you mock me so dear Baker, for know thee not the sorrow of being Sly Snake, Wily Serpent."
"I mock thee only as I mock meself. For the fruits of people be but other truths like yourself, they Be who they Are, know it now, know it well to be a snake of fortitude and of proud-make, thou dost thouself disservice by such repent."
"i know not what thee speaketh of...for thou speaketh in winding riddles. How shall I know anything but Snake and this poisoned lie of a confounded life."
"Shun not thee this precious life, it knows no lie, only truth has it been, only with joy has it been rife. "
The Baker smiled a knowing smile and curiously waved his hand and granted such ignis fatuus,
and before the snake knew it his desire was given wings by the hands that granted fortunes to fortituous,
The snake was no longer a snake, he was the Baker, the world, the trees, even the baked goods,
the tarts, the rivers, the pies, leaves, the fishes, the stars, the igneous rocks and all the pastry foods,
He was the moons and the window and the air between them,
He was the outside, the inside and the ne'er ending intrigue between them,
He was it all, no longer a snake and yet and yet...he was unconvinced of his disright to be fake.
For he experienced the joy of different bodies and minds, but it was not that which would his thirst slake.
For he knew not the nature of vastness...unfathomable it seemed.
For he knew only what he had known his whole life and for the New Old he was not yet deemed.
Thus he returned to his still body...shocked yet sensible.
"What was it that I felt dear man, for it felt real and yet impossible!"
The Baker only smiled a knowing smile and said,
"Know what thou art by what thou aren't and slowly you shall come to know everything is real as yourself! IT is all that it isn't and all that it Is!"
That sent the snake hissing and packing for he considered the old man a cracking great wizard gone warily amiss.
His words immeasureable, the Baker baked his goods, until the goods became the Baker.
And forever was his fate to be all that Is and became thus the fate of the Maker.
SS
***
I am starting to despise myself.
How can I despise myself? How can there be 2 I's?
How indeed? How can there be 2 me's? How can there be one that despises the other?
Thus, One must not be the real Self...
Thus, it was that a powerful thought revealed itself a couple o' days ago...'Watch thine thoughts.'
For as thou watch them thou become aware of another conciousness that enables the thought watching. And it this that your Self is. In the reality that is not this present.
***
I notice that I strut. I have been meaning to bring myself down a peg or two... and whenever that happens involuntarily...I am beside myself with uncommon bliss...
But I try to argue points, as if that would help...and yet I argue.
And I wonder why is it that I think I can show people that which can't be shown.
I can barely see it myself...why do I think I can change anyone?
Why this imperceptible urge to show, show and always show.
Argue and argue until the end of reason.
It is because in the world around me I see the impact of people and their thoughts.
I see the ruin and rise of societies. The rise and fall of religions...I am trying to find that which will suffer my impact and be changed by it.
Wouldst there was a need for such impact...and why I think like that sometimes, is beyond me.
***
2 nights ago... I was at a discussion on the meaning of Service. And people used it so many times...it started to feel like an alien, isolated word until such a time as I had an epiphany. And thence I thought about what it was that made Service so inalienable from the Complete understanding of Brahman...And the answers tumbled at me...A hand holding a glass of water...a thirsty mouth...the hand refusing service to the same mouth...general ill-will...deteriotation of not just the hand but also the whole body.
Aren't we all of the same body...the very very very same body...some of us are able to do something for the other parts...it's not a rendering of service in the truest sense. It is not self-help...it is Self living its fullest.
It's what comes naturally.
A healthy body leads to Perfection, into Brahman.
Much as if this metaphor were not just a metaphor but also a way for B--- to slap some health sense back into my head...me of the lazy and lethargic circumstance.
***
I am afraid of complete surrender? Why am I so completely afraid of it and why am I also so completely afraid of the ingratiation of the world.
I am afraid of being part of the worldly relationship. I am afraid of being hurt...why is that?
What will the hurt do to me? Will it make realize that which I already know?
That the other half of me is me?
Why does rejection have to be the way?
Why is it that I am so prone to living my life recklessly with candor and fun when I let loose?
Is it because I feel it is the only way for me to overwhelm my obsessive personality?
The personality which latches on and wants it all?
So far the most complete form of satisfaction has come from the pursuance of that which is within me...of everything else comes the reek of rejection, dejection and failure...in eventual circumstance.
I see the same thought patterns re-appearing... the ones that recognize the insecurities within me...that which make me so uncomfortable...so without recourse...so with eyes turned elsewhere, I pretend that even though I am not worth the thoughts and love of another I am uncaring of such emotions.
The fear of things not living up to expectations.
The fear that the deficiencies in this personality will be percieved and all of it will be rejected and denied its rightful lust!
The feeling that this personality will develop deficiencies it is not yet aware of.
The feeling that the defects it discovers will hinder its feeble progress and protest against that which is seen.
Fear that is omnipresent that the desires will embroil me that which is not me and mine.
That will take over and I shall spiral out of control.
It is silly this fear for I forget free will. I forget destiny. I forget them both and their complicit understanding of this human's life. For if the spiral is meant to be, thus it shall be!
Unless I learn what the spiral shall mean, unless I understand its flow, its ebb and all in between, it shall remain and whence I know it for its purpose it shall become the truth it was always!
Thou shalt remain a fool, for thou forgets that which thoust learnt to so hardly!
***
Patterns overrun.
Patterns overcome.
Patterns that return,
Patterns that rerun,
Patterns, patterns everywhere,
Patterns, patterns in my hair.
I recognize the patterns where I percieve the social superiority of others and how it bothers.
I see the denial of emotions because they cause pain, I see the denial of life because I am part of it but yet separate from it, patterns.
I am observer, liver, lived, living, dead, dying, gone and yet here.
Patterns, plaid and argyle.
Patterns, Patterns everywhere.
***
I understand why I always have dreams and actions in my life that depict the rise and fall of emotion as life and death...and I am left feeling like I lost something I had before.
And epiphany whence not followed by what its discovery meant...its practise is not implied or has no beneficial impact...is useless - it leads to old thoughts, old habits which function without the understanding until such a time as they are understood more fully.
Once thoughts are recognized...it is important to pay attention to them. To continually pay attention. Continually learn from them. Thoughts, love, life, emotions, are all that river thou searcheth.
***
I am here now, to experience that which I have known to be life to its very fullest and realize maybe that it still won't be enough...perhaps I am getting ahead of myself...but thus must be what the rest of my life before I discover that which I am tending towards. Every obsessive desire that has been fulfilled hasn't been relived since...for I discovered its magic and its magic was from a magical elsewhere, a magical elsewhere I discovered a little hesitatingly within me.
***
The Salvation of now and the future must combine. There is not Liberation coming after years, after such and so experience...it is here and now. Live it and learn it. Be it thence. Nothing in the future is impossible here, in the Now.
Then, why is it that I feel I must experience summat else now?
Why is it that the impetus which is overwheming and will conquer and carry me in that direction is absent or partial now? Shall not the time be right later than now? Shall not all desires whence washed away become the incentive for it ALL? Shall not all desires whence experienced to their completeness be washed away onto the shore that everyone wants to know so dearly but few ever really have the motivation for its ever-fulfilling sandy warmth?
***
Knowing that speaking will not get me where not-speaking usually would.
I need patience and understanding.
Love and silence.
Comfortable quietude...and harmonious growth.
Or nothing at all...since i have that all when I am by myself.
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