Thusly Spirals work....

There have been some tough questions that have come my way...

"How can you be faithful when you don't know why it's necessary?"

And this runs so deeply into my psyche...I cannot even begin to peel back.
Ever since such a time as when i experienced the first pangs of faithlessness...I cannot explain it away as a sense of betrayal, so what of others' emotions...why must I respect that which only distracts? BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH and TRUTH MUST ALWAYS BE DEALT WITH IN TERMS OF TRUTH. But how do I determine what the truth is? Is it that which appeals to my greater judgement? To my moral concience? To that which I have recently acquired? Why does the sense of guilt exist? Is it to make us aware of that which we know to be Neti? Because committing an act of deception is against the very nature of us. It is telling us in the act...it is not being the truth it shalt be. Though it be also an expression of it.

The purest of the pure...thou shall be...that from which it all ebbs and flows. From which it begins and ends, endlessly.

"Must we give up something to love someone?"

What is it that we give up? Is it a requisite?

Do we give up the right to understand the SELF better? Do we give into the temporary allaying of fears? Do we envelope and proceed? Do we teach ourselves a newer truth so that our temporary lives can be filled with the love and devotion of those of our many many many other forms? Does it perpetuate the idea of differences? Does it promote the idea of One? What is it that we give up? Better still...what is it that we UNDERSTAND from relationships? Can it be experienced by itself? Is one life...nay half a life enough to understand these things? These burdens that we carry? These loads that we bear as negative and whites? As positives and darkness? As education and secularity? As nature and environment? As Science and God?
Do we perpetuate the duality by giving it birth, giving it acknowledgement. If I refuse to understand the difference between light and dark...am I labelled crazy? Eccentric? Scary, Daft, Blind? Or am I being Led? Or am I looking for meaning in my life in other intangibilities? Am I in denial? Am i asking the questions so that they are asked? They must be asked...they must be addressed.

And the answer: No...the meaning of life is never in the intangibles. I am not looking hard enough for its tangibilities. I am convinced that whatever it is that I seek is going to make itself obvious later. Later Later Later...oh dear...I am the White Rabbit...forever Late and always in a hurry.

It is tangible NOW. In the HERE. LOOK S***** LOOK! JUST SEE IT! And it will be there! KNOW IT AND IT HAS TO BE! If there was a better way to know it...it is this, THIS. THIS THIS THIS THIS IS NOW.

I am afraid of the power of thought...I am afraid that as I think...so it becomes. As I think that I am experiencing light and nothing else...it is just my imaginings. Nought else. How do I tell the difference? Am I lying to myself? Is it lying to me?

***

Refute them! I say....show me the truth....doesn't everyone deserve to know it? Are only some ready?...Let me see! LET ME SEE! Don't let me be there where I was before...challenged...unable to meet it like so many little children with their hands raised to the sky for comfort.

Let me know what it is that needs to be said to allay fears. To drive away anxiety in myself...to show fear and lies to myself - so that I may keep them company until such a time as they walk away...healed of me.

Are you real? Are you ephemeral? Why the mire? Why the chalk? Why? Must I understand the reasons these questions come up regularly?

Why are they asked of me? And why are my answers so unsatisfactory sounding? Even to myself, they reek of baselessness.

I am yet to understand that part of my understanding.

The spiritual understanding...that which weilds a powerful blow. That which I seek with Thou...and thou in thine great form, thou maketh modest of controversy, in my heart there still exists a need to understand that which I thought I understood. I knew to be instinctively true...i do not know why I know it truely to be.

Is it disgruntled employment? Is it wave-turning...those who are weak in their understanding of this are easily moved to inaction? Again? To reverse that which they saw was fit before...to lose themselves in calamitious, precipitious events that modify the mind and change the flow of that which is true?

How easy it is to prey on the needful mind. How very complicit in their understanding must people be, to believe one truth vs another as lies and truths variously.

Why do I test it so often? Recklessly, needlessly. Nay, needfully.

They must be dispeled. These beliefs. These ideas. These things that are modifications of that which is True. Why are they there? Is there the need to trust implicitly or in approval of my analytical self? My logical being? My thinking mind or my deeper conciousness.

I believe what I experience. And I have experienced the transformative power of S----'s blessings. Of knowing the peace with Him. Of the peace There. Of the Quiet and Laughter that is of pure emotion only.

Why am I here? Questioning, again. Am I displeased still? Have I not tasted enough off the hand that gives nought unknowingly?

Or am I learning the art of being a true disciple...it which does and does not talk. That which is grateful for its greatest gifts in silence. And that which learns of the loudness of inequity which is the burden of the unconcious seeker.

In silence must the profound be laid...for in the blustering cacophony the fools find themselves aloft. Missing that which is subtle...tasting only the foul...for they seek only the foul, in this life they want only the antithesis...only so when they taste the beauty of Sublime they may recognize it with blaring clarity.

Am I finally understanding the truth as it must be...in silence? Not in arguments? Not in opinions. Only in Peace. In the Silence that follows the Om.

Those who are loud are insufficient in their love of life. In their love of themselves. They become that which becomes the antithesis of what they seek. And yet it is that only which they may be.

***

And I crave ever so often for more and more and more, ever and anon the Peace within me now.

There is great disharmony around me, the incompleteness of people makes itself apparent. That there can't ever be two that satisfy each other thus completely. I am clear on it a little bit more.

When one begins to guess at that which one is experiencing...by knowing the problems that stand in the way ahead and then dumbing down the self...until the percieved problems are no longer visible from a shortened perspective.

It is also called variously desire, denial, imperfection.

***

Am I honest? Am I trustworthy?

I must say...I am not. Either one. Here I am...my head swelled up with grandiose ideas of Being...but I can't even be the Truth as completely as I should be. I am not either...not even close. It is morbid, the idea that I am this...but so it is...and by being brutally honest with myself...I am here. Hearing myself talk to myself. Hearing myself be afraid of all the things that seemed so yesterday to me. Hearing myself be that person that only begets pity from herself.
Hearing the same questions, the same deliberations, the same inequities.

Have I even learned? Or have I gloated it away?

***

I woke up today...terrified.
As i awoke...came a voice at me..."It is a far-fetched idea to begin with".
This was me as I thought of the Is in my dream. Of being it. Attaining it.

What galvanizing force is this?
I have seldom been this afraid of anything.
I cannot tell you when the last time was that I actually was this afraid. It is constant fear, this fear of being alone, it haunts me yet again. This fear of being in the threat of losing the only sense of peace I have had in years. Ever.

It is the fear of losing that which came so easily and will leave just as easily, if I don't understand what it is that drives me like a mad woman to other extremes.

It may just be my conciousnesses way of reminding me to stay put with my ideals...but I cannot understand how that will last for long...how shall my ideals save me if I don't acknowledge them? How shall I progress if there is nothing that can point me towards the ideals? To the emptiness they used to be?

Personalities are toxic, intoxicatingly overcoming sometimes. It is sad how completely overwhelmed one is by the ideas of another. By the love of another. By the need of another. Not the need for but the need of.

I am scared...thus, I am scared only because it is but my will to be scared of this...to remind myself...that I am only here because I wanted to experience this and if I want more of the sense of peace I look for, it is only in the shedding of false ideals that one will find it. It is only an arm's length away...though I look for it in books and shelves and love and poetry...it lies hidden inside me forever ready to pull me back!

***

Peace thou art me! Peace with evert shall they want it. Peace when i discover you, you are me. Me! I am but purely Joy! Pure beatific Bliss! You have been meself and you shall ever anon be meself. What is it that I search in thou that I canst find within any ought but me.

***

B--- - I love thee...thou are my guiding light. It is when with the flair of a toddler I flounder, thee come to me with arms wide open. The Divine that Thou Be'th.

"You are seeking Joy and Peace in far-off places.
But the spring of joy is in your heart.
The haven of peace is in yourself."

I am at peace now.

***

I have turned into the intellectual I was shieing away from..."Why must one be pure to understand the sublime?"

Why? Why is there the need to purify until there be nought else?

Is it the Alchemists' way?

It is the shedding of all that is NOT your PUREST nature...and thus by doing just that you becomest YOUR purest NATURE. Your truest peace.

Your loveliest Love. Your beautous Voice. Your one true Vibration. The Vibration that begets the Vibration to which i belong and shall belong for as long as it has known me.

***

I am only one, but I am in all. I am only now, but I am forever.