The Rainbow

I read yesterday... "A marriage is not a consolation of differences, it's the combining of them to form ONE whole".

I understand that this may be true. I understand better that that may be why I want a relationship still.

It is to understand better what the Oneness can be with one person and then take it and expand it.

Thus, the need for a relationship exists.
I cannot deny it as paltry. It is not beneath me. Nothing is beneath or above me.

For FATE itself is the reason one may be able to see not two, but only ONE.
And if I can't even experience that ONEness within two people...how can I embrace it all as ONE.

No matter how different or how similar they are to myself...the oneness cannot be denied.
How can I be...without experiencing the Being.

Every experience is just as precious.

***

There was a weirdly eerie dream. About the married couple and the paintings.
I think it was Richa/Anu originally...I was definitely thinking about calling her...not so long ago...

Then it so happened that first she looked for me and then i looked for her and we found each other...and then we went to buy art supplies.

When we came back I was with another person...Anu/Shweta? And we were painting in her room...and her mom comes in to approve and tells to stay in there and not let her father see the art supplies.

We then hear screams and yells outside...I continue to paint...and Anu/Seema/Shweta starts flipping out...finally we put all the paintings together in a pile under the bed and walk out to see the couple fighting and they've turned into my aunt and uncle and my uncle is beating the crap out of my aunt. He has something sharp that he keeps attacking my aunt's neck with.

I am horrified.

I run down what appears to be my other aunt's stairs to my parents in the basement, who are sitting watching TV...and as I tell them what is happening upstairs they look worried...my Mom gets up but my Dad makes us stay down there and he calls 911.

I am not sure what to think. Obviously this talks to my disillusionment with marriage. My absolute horror of what it does to people who are together for the wrong reasons...they either end up hurting each other so much or they are so indifferent it seems to not matter at all. I don't know how exactly to deal with it...I accept it now. This is one of the problems I feel I have found with relationships.

The reasons for relationships are lost in the myriad of activity...it becomes that which must be because we feel a primal need for it but little justification, in its conventional form, of what it is for really. What need it satisfies...what it signifies...what is required of one.

The other is the tying up of my freedom...the need to BE one within myself. And outside of myself...but unrestricted by norms and stations in society.

Thus I deny it, defy it. I believe in something bigger than that which is handed to us. Marriage is a sham if it is only purported for the reasons that are limited by progeny, or subversion.

***

It was something of a conversation I had with someone that made me probe deeper.

The differences become more meaningful once the oneness of something is realized.
Attachment comes with caring?

Caring can be beyond attachment...once you care for someone...the someone is no longer a separate entity...realizing the truth that is subtle but eternal is what detachment is about...it pertains to this ethereal body and its environment...once you see the reason to BE...the reason to love and care are separate from the percieved bodily difference...because you care for yourself all the time. You care for a SELF bigger than your BODY. You nurture a truth, a love far greater than any tawdry replication of it or apparent antithesis of it.

Thus in the eternal unity the differences are meaningless as much as they are meaningful.

***

Is it possible that this disillusionment I feel is not only the lesson but also the way?
I was feeling agitated about something/one.

It occured to me that the disillusionment, the separation from happiness and peace that I experienced were self-created. I percieved a threat to my peace. And I wondered why it was that I had receded to the level of what I was before...insecure...unhappy and forever questioning.

And as I pondered this it came to me that perhaps what I was rejecting was a worldly relationship...one without a spiritual component...one without the meaning I obviously seek in it.
I was rejecting the stereotyped image of a relationship I had created!

I was rejecting the needy, obsessive and one-pointed relationship. I was rejecting it, because it is everything I percieve it to be, everything it HAS been for me. Everything I become when I am in one. And then the perception shattered.

And I realized two things simultaneously,

Perhaps a worldly relationship of the nature thus delineated does infact entail removal of the spiritual peace that one attains without it. For to indulge in attachments while percieving the differences in yourself and the other person, to indulge in purely sexual enterprise, to indulge in the artificial, the superficial, the basal needs means to discount that which is eternal and true and to forget the unity within duality. To reject to identify that in everything that happens in that relationship. That is indeed peace being stolen away from myself.

It is teaching me not only what I will lose by indulging in such things but also what little I have to gain by such a misunderstanding of a true relationship. What it is that I should seek: something that fulfills and challenges my fundamental spiritual needs.

So not only was this loss of peace and joy a way to have a worldly relationship but this was a lesson in what it required of me to want superficiality.

Thankfully I have the precedent in front of me regarding the level of harmony. I have a time of unparalled equanimity and joy in my past. Unmet and unchallenged by another. Every experience enhanced manifold by this one understanding. Experiences occluded by distraction and aggravation. It remains, Forever the reminder of what I must attend to, what it is that I seek to Be in my life.

When oneness is adeterministic, how does a person apply predetermed ideas to people? It is without the need for complementarity, the percieved attractions. I was looking for something that based on my perception...was either true or not what I wanted.

And I realize now that the 'want' signifies a desire with no understanding for its origins once again. I realized my obsessions usually concluded unproductively because it was an indication that I had become too attached, too devoted to the idea, too willing to give myself up to the idea of a One, without realizing that sacrifice of myself wasn't really a sacrifice it was a way to satiate a desire to be with another. Not to be ONE with another...but to be with another. At its core it is possibly motivated by the Unity I seek, but at its least subtle layer it is that which is imperceptible from desirous living.

I wanted a harmonious partner, who I percieved was the culmination of the ideal set of characteristics that I thought melded well into a perfect One. What I understood was this set of ideals and guidelines can be thrown down the poop shute. What I don't understand is this quasi-sexual list of attributes I am seeking. It is perhaps an indication of my false attraction, my distorted motives...and they may shatter, but I still hold them to myself. They are to me, as of now, an extention of a subtle understanding with the people I am deemed to meet. The list of cues, I can identify them with. It is a farce waiting to be unvieled.

I called it.

It is so frequent that I get ahead of myself...

No wonder I have been moved by the corniest stories of tragedy struck woe-begone lovers.

So after this whole conversation in my head - an epiphany, if you will, occured. I go A-Ha! perhaps this is it! But how do I know it is truely both a lesson and a way? What is the way to verify? And as I walk into the building I look up...and there it is...smiling across the sky...a Rainbow!

It was one of those very odd shaped rainbows...didn't have an end on the ground, nosiree.
It was stretched out end-to-end in the sky. Its ends melting into clouds...the rarest most beautous occurence. And I took it to be the sign that I was being affirmed in my thoughts.
And I passed the day with great peace and happiness.

***

It's only abstract if the question is not relevantly asked.