What do I say??? Below art written the thoughts of a person who refuses deep meditation. For if all is not music, then what is some music that is better than others? Silly nilly you say that which you mean with the means that don't make a way.
For words carry their weight and they describe a subtle thought ere and nigh. Tho' these thoughts thou sought, it is all but the very same, cast in different light colors...I see I see what it is that every word is wrought of...the very same life that is wrought into us...we pass it on...to the words of us, to give them a life we little ken. For music is music but, it rejects its robing thus. Albeit! I said what I said much as I meant this. And I am nought but unassimilated...if at first light that did not shake me very core and make itself so ever apparent as it always has been. I see I see, for the rhyme and reason are as ill-founded as faith is narily. The words they are illuminating...for all are wrought in that same wondrous light, though we forget its original Divinity.
***
Today, it would seem, was the second time in a week I was to learn the lesson of patience and foresight.
I've been trying to make atleast 5 different things work in the lab, of recent. This is not unusual for me. If one thing won't work, I have the benefit of 4 others to look forward to, not working.
Having sought many dead ends and been rewarded with more than those I sought...I was breaking free by going under-the-radar, with a not-so-hot experiment to follow up on something. Turns out 1 of the 4 parameters...the very same one that I was keen on testing, was the very same one I screwed up. Having spent a good 9 hours on the experiment, not to mention the pre-planning of it...I was much distraught. I was given wholeheartedly to blaming the ill luck of the department for my misfortunes. It seemed in a fearful second, that I would never leave. One after the other, all the experiments would fail, and I. would. be. trapped. in. grad. school. for. EVER. AAA. AAAA. AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.
Well anway with much ado and dejection I passed out of it and headed towards the analysis of the experiment in its incompletion. As I sifted throught the data, something started to become more and more prominent in 3 of the 4 parameters tested...it was definite that there was a shift in the perception of the TWO MAIN criteria in all the samples. I worked it up...talked to her...and before I knew it my head, and I am sure her head, was swimming with ideas. Positively frothing. Nought the less to say of it, clearly I had misjudged the situation, launched into a much woebegotten hour or two at no real cost and ONLY THEN REALIZED THAT the POINT of one of the things NOT working was so I'd notice the obvious change in the other 2 criteria. I would've completely missed them had the first thing worked. I cannot impress upon anyone how fortunate it was that the first didn't work. I wouldn't have the possiblities-are-overflowing scenario in my head, if it had gone according to plan.
So that was that.
Anyahoo, there was another such occurence, which was something I have been working on over three months on and off...and for the past 4 weeks events that were beyond my control have delayed my experimenting with the new conditions I hoped to test out. So finally last week I started the assay. And I finished it today...not hoping for anything. Nought it seemed was wrought of it in actuality. That in layperson means that all it amounted was a hill of beans. The experiment to my naked eye seemed like it was a dud. Such was my disconcert that I was almost tempted to throw out the dish without even testing it perfunctorily. Then on a whim i decided to run it through the analyzer. I was there, the plate was there, the analyzer was available too. What was holding me back? So thar I blew. And whoa nelly! sure as gold...it churned out some beautiful numbers.
So twice in one day...it seemed that my positive energy was threatening to quell, when all of a sudden...things seemed to work out. Last week the same happened with Nar. I was angry until i realized a night by myself was much desired.
So in the end...things have a way of working out for the very best. When you lack patience or foresight...things seem to make no sense. I must learn if not the obvious then the subtle art of thinking ahead...even though it appears obfuscated at that moment in time when things crash around my ears. It must become clear that patience is key to learning the paramount of lessons.
I am aware of its necessity.
I have realized that since I am in the cuckold of the Illusion, I have to learn to understand it better. And daily do the skills needed become apparent. I can rise above it and to rise above it need nothing but my will and my assurance. So until such a time as that is deemed nigh, I will learn and learn.
***
Science, nay life, rejects classification. Rejects preconception. Everytime one thinks an aspect of it has made itself clear...bam! it throws you a doozie with a "try that one wiseguy".
I have learned that the nature of life is what it is so that it can help one understand oneself better. It rejects classification, because we CHOOSE to classify it not understand it. I reject classification, the nature of me is to find newer theories to fit around me and when those become snug, I reject them and move on. Evolving, much as life elsewhere.
Try and define Science...and sure enough there will be anomalies. Everytime has someone come closed to draping it in a preconception...something that is held ever so dearly...Nature/Space/Time/the Universe/God/Life have all denied it vehemently. They have presented what seemed at first glance incompatible ideas. Chaos and Balance. Surely the two deny each other? Thus it is in this wily way that they deny that we are close to the answers the way we search them. The most perception-altering ideas occur when our mind is with the mind of 'God'. The deepest truth only becomes clear when we seek it for its very presence...for we found our way away from it and now we're finding it back. When that truth is found testable or untestable - it will be embraced by those who are ready and rejected by those who seek to test it still.
And until you believe what you are made aware of, Science's sterile nature cannot be superseded, for you to see the beauty of the futility we put into deciphering it. For we are but entrenched in solving the illusion we so lovingly created. To understand the bigger things one must look at ones surroundings once in a while. For in their creation lies the mystery of ours. Or so we believe & thus the quest.
***
I don't listen to music with beats that are obtrusive or chaotic. I am not moved by writhing, painful OR meaningful (even) lyrics. Words seem superflous. They describe the very heartache of human existence when really the very existence of humans is much our own doing. What words can change anything? What words can mean anything that is already not meant without words? What can words do but show us how we feel? The feeling of Feeling has passed. And so I feel the need to feel not so stirring as claimt the world. It is surely what makes us human, they decry me. Nay soothesayers, being human is being limited by the very definition of it that thou useth to apply to me...so on and so forth.
You notice the apparent irony - I hope.
In short, anything that is in general a sort of cacophony - falls short of appealing me. For the service of such refrains is to distract not soothe me. There's nothing wrong with the kind of music aforementioned, esp. if your intent is to use the music for purposes other than mine. Besides those conceptions, one man's trash...is my treasure.
For me music is not only the means to an end. It is the symphony of everything that is expressed...it is the very symphony of the universes...that which I wish to listen to ONLY and in exclusion, for what better music can there be than the music that runneth the very soul of us? Surely such is the intent of any that search for that indefinable quality in music. Because I listen to music that helps me reach the very pinnacle of human experience. That experience where every thing is illuminated. It is irradiant with that which I seek. The River, i go walking in, that is only a river to my self-limited senses.
***
The reason sometimes for my overwhelming resentment for the body I own has finally made itself apparent today. For some reason it has only now occured to me - that were it that detachment was the eventual necessity...the first to go would have to be the body. And whence that which I resent already...I can only be too glad to be rid of. Atleast so this simple mind believes. I have done much to alleviate the necessity of ugliness, so i may become that which may entice my lessons. But not so much have I changed that i don't understand the futility of holding onto it.
Thus, detachment I have met one of your bets and raised you one...show me your mind. Or show me mine.
***
A question has arisen. What determines the tiniest events in our lives? What begets the biggest discoveries? The biggest accomplishments? Lessons Lessons...but they are based on principle. We plan and plan for centuries so the idea may fit on one strand...had you not said that O' messiah?
***
"And if you would know God be not therefore a solver of riddles."
"And even as each one of you stands alone in God's knowledge, so must each one of you be alone in his knowledge of God and in his understanding of the earth."
KG
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
ab initio
I understand it now! For a while Relativity though entirely fathomable and intriguing, on the account of special relativity, eluded me. Now I have grasped it!
Newton - that great master - proclaimed that space and time are absolute. Those were the standards by which the conceptia excluded were judged. What confused me before was that the very account of Newton's laws negate the possibility of absolute rest. Thus, there is no absolute motion, since there was nothing to compare it to. For these purposes artificial concepts of aether were invented. Components in space and time that were absolutely at rest with which the speed of other things could be compared.
But the genius of Einstein was not to fall victim to these accepted scientific dogma, but challenge them. And turn them on their heads. Although special relativity makes relative some quantities, such as time, that we would have imagined to be absolute based on everyday experience and Newtonian principae, it also makes absolute some others that we would have thought were relative. In particular, it states that the speed of light is the same for all observers, even if they are in motion relative to one another. Now the absolute was not space (distance) or time, but the absolute became the speed of light. By its very nature the speed of anything can be the same regardless of observer. Though the time and distance covered be different, the speed remains the very same, by stating that distance and time depend on the observer, and that time and space are perceived differently, depending on the observer.
Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon -- light -- but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are tied together. In particular, special relativity states that it is impossible for any material object to travel as fast as light. Because as it travels at the speed of light...its mass compounds and the energy needed to speed it up will increase also. E=mc2, afterall. So, the energy that an object has due to motion will add to its mass...making it harder and harder to move it at the speed of light.
In my head, this possibly translates into ripples in the spacetime, caused by an enormous mass travelling at the speed of light, which in consequence would slow it down. Which means it would need more energy to continue on at the speed of light, which would further increase the mass...so on and so forth, ad infinitum.
What I want to know is why do objects gain mass as they speed up? Is this the kinetic energy model? Kinetic energy and relativistic mass.
"It is sometimes defined as a relativistic mass which increases as the velocity of a body increases. According to the geometric interpretation of special relativity, this is often deprecated and the term 'mass' is reserved to mean 'rest mass' and is thus independent of the inertial frame, i.e., invariant. Note also that the body does not actually become more massive in its proper frame, since the relativistic mass is only different for an observer in a different frame. The only mass that is frame independent is the invariant mass. When using the relativistic mass, the used reference frame should be specified if it isn't already obvious or implied. It also goes almost without saying that the increase in relativistic mass does not come from an increased number of atoms in the object. Instead, the relativistic mass of each atom and subatomic particle has increased."
The peculiarities noted before that tolled the death knell for Absolute time were:
Inertia and momentum - as an object's velocity gets close to the speed of light, it becomes more and more difficult to accelerate it.
Time dilation - the time lapse between two events is not invariant from one observer to another, but is dependent on the relative speeds of the observers' reference frames (e.g., the twin paradox which concerns a twin who flies off in a spaceship travelling near the speed of light and returns to discover that his twin has aged much more). Clocks seemed to slow down at speed approaching the speed of light.
Distance/Length shortens as objects approach the speed of light.
It is not a property of light...but a property associated with light...that defines the naure of the spacetime.
What I like and appreciate about the basic principles on which this based:
"A fundamental principle of all physics is the equivalence of inertial reference frames. In practical terms, this equivalence means that scientists living inside an enclosed box moving uniformly cannot detect their motion by any experiment done exclusively inside the box. By contrast, bodies are subject to so-called fictitious forces in non-inertial reference frames; that is, forces that result from the acceleration of the reference frame itself and not from any physical force acting on the body. Examples of fictitious forces are the centrifugal force and the Coriolis force in rotating reference frames. Therefore, scientists living inside a box that is being rotated or otherwise accelerated can measure their acceleration by observing the fictitious forces on bodies inside the box."
Ha. Much as scientists do science, from confined inertial frames, eh?
***
"Most happy and successful people at one time or another have considered suicide. They decided against it." It speaks truly thus.
"You are free to create and honor whatever past you choose, to heal and transform your present."
***
I think i want to put these down for posterity. Sometimes I forget the events that started it all.
When I am assailed with doubt I need to look back and say - yo, there it was!
Grant and Bike. Remember the phone call for the 4th of July 2006. Remember W. Many times and ONLY those times when you made sure that he HAD to be there. None of these were never when you had a doubt. Not even the niggling detail of a doubt.
Grant: many years...no money...seemed unlikely at all after 3 rejections that this time we'd get any leftover money. ViKtoria, the self-appointed person in charge of trivia, denies at the time that we were likely to get money. I am distraught. For 2 weeks I was horribly affected by the idea of more responsibilities than I could handle. Of wanting to leave...but having no out. I sat down, to pray. But having just finished the powerful book, I tried the 'blue feather' experiment, instead. I believed, then saw it happen. An atypically large "Accepted" on the noteface of the grant I had reviewed for her. Several weeks later...having clean forgotten about it...I remember her saying something unusual, like 'yeah go ahead, buy it". I am, ofcourse, astounded. That Friday, she sets up a party during lab meeting...none of us know going in but the second we are in, we KNOW. She gets the grant. We are thrilled to know it. A week passes by before I even REMEMBER the blue feather experiment. I reel for many minutes. On reconverse with ViKtoria, she says it seemed likely that the grant would get funded.
The second time I was in a fix was within the 2 weeks I was negating every positive energy in my path. When I was overwhelmed with the idea of a future year with no money. I was looking for transport...cheap and durable. A bike - seemed like the best recourse. I looked on Craigs, I missed several by a hair. Some of my friends let bikes go for cheap not realizing I was on the lookey loo. Well, as I searched aimlessly...I happened upon a dicey looking competition on Lipton's website - summat a bike for free in lieu of an essay on the idea of owning a bike. So i debated, became negative. Chided myself and told myself to repeat the blue feather experiment (this was before the first one had worked). So i saw it happening. and I wrote. and then I forgot all about it. I forgot SO cleanly about it that when the lady called, weeks later - I still didn't understand what she was talking about. Then I remembered about the competition. Hmm. I recieved the bike 3 weeks later. And 2 days after that was when I remembered the experiment. And its success.
The illusion exists so it can be broken. It can be broken if you are ready. It can be broken when you want to test it. To all others it will appear as a set of coincidences marvellously in your favor. But with you and you alone will the true meaning strike a chord.
Something I should remember for later...I am here to know. But I must understand that other people who are not ready to know will try to alienate me from my ideas if they so choose. And so vehemently will they believe what they believe becoz they must believe it that I am not likely to make any difference regardless. Only make them wary. Make them circumspect. Make them scared. Perhaps it was the intent. But I shall learn to better understand my tongue and what it speaks of, esp. who it speaks thus to.
***
What is the nature of space? What is it made of? Does the space time fabric extend in all directions? Which is a silly thing to ask...becoz the space is characterized in 3 dim. So therefore the fabric must extend in all 3D. It is represented as a trampoline which can be confusing sometimes as it appears to lie in one plane only.
***
I love how another dimension (besides the reg 3) can be described - think of a telephone wire. From a afar it appears to be 2D. Up close it has the characteristics of a 3D object. It has the qualities of forward and backward. Up and down. Left and right.
However, once ATOP the wire - say from the perspective of an ant that's on the wire...the metal wires are wrapped in a protective sheath. This sheath winds around the wire...forming the extra dimension...which is not linear or parallel or perpendicular to the first set of dimensis...but coiled around them - such that it has the characteristics of forward and backward...clockwise and anticlockwise. This dimension TWISTS around the first 3.
Like so:
Now were there more than the one dimension that WINDS around the other 3 that we are familiar with, what would they look like?
The best description of it is below:
The so called 6 quantum dimensions( or 11 or 26 quantum dimensions) are wound around each other in a complicated manner which may give the 'strings' (the universe's underlying symphony), their characteristic vibrational energies, depending on how the strings are spatially arranged in the various dimensia.
Great reads on the idea follow below:
The Theory of Everything
Hawking vs Penrose
Einstein vs Bohr
The Elegant Universe
***
Something powerful just struck me down. I can't believe it took me that long to figure out what it was for. I have the gift of first time experiences.
What it's for: Depending on whether or not I can do something the first time I encounter it determines whether or not I should spend my time learning to do it.
Sometimes I suck at something and if I am forced to pursue it I become good at it, yes...but it usually is not as important as I deem it to be. In the long run. But other times..my first foray into a field is dazzling...which means that with VERY LITTLE effort I can use it to my advantage. Now that I know this...I can weed out the experiences I will learn peripherally from.
***
This is turning into my Dream Journal of sorts...which is not something I don't like.
Something about a dream with W wasn't sitting too well with me. Until I realized why not.
Last night, as the other nights before it, i dreamt of him. However, in the dream I cut him off midsentence and shifted to another dream entirely. Somehow in the middle of the dream - I went - 'Tuh, whatever' and boom! I'd moved on. The details are hazy. Of both before and after dreams.
I just remember not being happy with the sequence of events in the dream, when I awoke. Esp. how abrupt his leave was from me. I finally understand why it was that it bothered me so much. That instance in my dream is very much like the way his influence in my life was cut short. By me. i am not necessarily interested in seeing him right now, even though he bears heavy on my mind.
I don't want him to be an influence in my life, right now, for the distraction he causes me. And whence he is present in my life as a thing that causes anxiety it becomes something of a distraction - not something which I learn productively from. Which was the very reason he was there for anyway. So to learn what I need, I need to distance myself until the time is right. And when the time is right...it'll happen. Until then I have a lot of catching up to do.
Newton - that great master - proclaimed that space and time are absolute. Those were the standards by which the conceptia excluded were judged. What confused me before was that the very account of Newton's laws negate the possibility of absolute rest. Thus, there is no absolute motion, since there was nothing to compare it to. For these purposes artificial concepts of aether were invented. Components in space and time that were absolutely at rest with which the speed of other things could be compared.
But the genius of Einstein was not to fall victim to these accepted scientific dogma, but challenge them. And turn them on their heads. Although special relativity makes relative some quantities, such as time, that we would have imagined to be absolute based on everyday experience and Newtonian principae, it also makes absolute some others that we would have thought were relative. In particular, it states that the speed of light is the same for all observers, even if they are in motion relative to one another. Now the absolute was not space (distance) or time, but the absolute became the speed of light. By its very nature the speed of anything can be the same regardless of observer. Though the time and distance covered be different, the speed remains the very same, by stating that distance and time depend on the observer, and that time and space are perceived differently, depending on the observer.
Special relativity reveals that c is not just the velocity of a certain phenomenon -- light -- but rather a fundamental feature of the way space and time are tied together. In particular, special relativity states that it is impossible for any material object to travel as fast as light. Because as it travels at the speed of light...its mass compounds and the energy needed to speed it up will increase also. E=mc2, afterall. So, the energy that an object has due to motion will add to its mass...making it harder and harder to move it at the speed of light.
In my head, this possibly translates into ripples in the spacetime, caused by an enormous mass travelling at the speed of light, which in consequence would slow it down. Which means it would need more energy to continue on at the speed of light, which would further increase the mass...so on and so forth, ad infinitum.
What I want to know is why do objects gain mass as they speed up? Is this the kinetic energy model? Kinetic energy and relativistic mass.
"It is sometimes defined as a relativistic mass which increases as the velocity of a body increases. According to the geometric interpretation of special relativity, this is often deprecated and the term 'mass' is reserved to mean 'rest mass' and is thus independent of the inertial frame, i.e., invariant. Note also that the body does not actually become more massive in its proper frame, since the relativistic mass is only different for an observer in a different frame. The only mass that is frame independent is the invariant mass. When using the relativistic mass, the used reference frame should be specified if it isn't already obvious or implied. It also goes almost without saying that the increase in relativistic mass does not come from an increased number of atoms in the object. Instead, the relativistic mass of each atom and subatomic particle has increased."
The peculiarities noted before that tolled the death knell for Absolute time were:
Inertia and momentum - as an object's velocity gets close to the speed of light, it becomes more and more difficult to accelerate it.
Time dilation - the time lapse between two events is not invariant from one observer to another, but is dependent on the relative speeds of the observers' reference frames (e.g., the twin paradox which concerns a twin who flies off in a spaceship travelling near the speed of light and returns to discover that his twin has aged much more). Clocks seemed to slow down at speed approaching the speed of light.
Distance/Length shortens as objects approach the speed of light.
It is not a property of light...but a property associated with light...that defines the naure of the spacetime.
What I like and appreciate about the basic principles on which this based:
"A fundamental principle of all physics is the equivalence of inertial reference frames. In practical terms, this equivalence means that scientists living inside an enclosed box moving uniformly cannot detect their motion by any experiment done exclusively inside the box. By contrast, bodies are subject to so-called fictitious forces in non-inertial reference frames; that is, forces that result from the acceleration of the reference frame itself and not from any physical force acting on the body. Examples of fictitious forces are the centrifugal force and the Coriolis force in rotating reference frames. Therefore, scientists living inside a box that is being rotated or otherwise accelerated can measure their acceleration by observing the fictitious forces on bodies inside the box."
Ha. Much as scientists do science, from confined inertial frames, eh?
***
"Most happy and successful people at one time or another have considered suicide. They decided against it." It speaks truly thus.
"You are free to create and honor whatever past you choose, to heal and transform your present."
***
I think i want to put these down for posterity. Sometimes I forget the events that started it all.
When I am assailed with doubt I need to look back and say - yo, there it was!
Grant and Bike. Remember the phone call for the 4th of July 2006. Remember W. Many times and ONLY those times when you made sure that he HAD to be there. None of these were never when you had a doubt. Not even the niggling detail of a doubt.
Grant: many years...no money...seemed unlikely at all after 3 rejections that this time we'd get any leftover money. ViKtoria, the self-appointed person in charge of trivia, denies at the time that we were likely to get money. I am distraught. For 2 weeks I was horribly affected by the idea of more responsibilities than I could handle. Of wanting to leave...but having no out. I sat down, to pray. But having just finished the powerful book, I tried the 'blue feather' experiment, instead. I believed, then saw it happen. An atypically large "Accepted" on the noteface of the grant I had reviewed for her. Several weeks later...having clean forgotten about it...I remember her saying something unusual, like 'yeah go ahead, buy it". I am, ofcourse, astounded. That Friday, she sets up a party during lab meeting...none of us know going in but the second we are in, we KNOW. She gets the grant. We are thrilled to know it. A week passes by before I even REMEMBER the blue feather experiment. I reel for many minutes. On reconverse with ViKtoria, she says it seemed likely that the grant would get funded.
The second time I was in a fix was within the 2 weeks I was negating every positive energy in my path. When I was overwhelmed with the idea of a future year with no money. I was looking for transport...cheap and durable. A bike - seemed like the best recourse. I looked on Craigs, I missed several by a hair. Some of my friends let bikes go for cheap not realizing I was on the lookey loo. Well, as I searched aimlessly...I happened upon a dicey looking competition on Lipton's website - summat a bike for free in lieu of an essay on the idea of owning a bike. So i debated, became negative. Chided myself and told myself to repeat the blue feather experiment (this was before the first one had worked). So i saw it happening. and I wrote. and then I forgot all about it. I forgot SO cleanly about it that when the lady called, weeks later - I still didn't understand what she was talking about. Then I remembered about the competition. Hmm. I recieved the bike 3 weeks later. And 2 days after that was when I remembered the experiment. And its success.
The illusion exists so it can be broken. It can be broken if you are ready. It can be broken when you want to test it. To all others it will appear as a set of coincidences marvellously in your favor. But with you and you alone will the true meaning strike a chord.
Something I should remember for later...I am here to know. But I must understand that other people who are not ready to know will try to alienate me from my ideas if they so choose. And so vehemently will they believe what they believe becoz they must believe it that I am not likely to make any difference regardless. Only make them wary. Make them circumspect. Make them scared. Perhaps it was the intent. But I shall learn to better understand my tongue and what it speaks of, esp. who it speaks thus to.
***
What is the nature of space? What is it made of? Does the space time fabric extend in all directions? Which is a silly thing to ask...becoz the space is characterized in 3 dim. So therefore the fabric must extend in all 3D. It is represented as a trampoline which can be confusing sometimes as it appears to lie in one plane only.
***
I love how another dimension (besides the reg 3) can be described - think of a telephone wire. From a afar it appears to be 2D. Up close it has the characteristics of a 3D object. It has the qualities of forward and backward. Up and down. Left and right.
However, once ATOP the wire - say from the perspective of an ant that's on the wire...the metal wires are wrapped in a protective sheath. This sheath winds around the wire...forming the extra dimension...which is not linear or parallel or perpendicular to the first set of dimensis...but coiled around them - such that it has the characteristics of forward and backward...clockwise and anticlockwise. This dimension TWISTS around the first 3.
Like so:
Now were there more than the one dimension that WINDS around the other 3 that we are familiar with, what would they look like?The best description of it is below:
The so called 6 quantum dimensions( or 11 or 26 quantum dimensions) are wound around each other in a complicated manner which may give the 'strings' (the universe's underlying symphony), their characteristic vibrational energies, depending on how the strings are spatially arranged in the various dimensia.
Great reads on the idea follow below:
The Theory of Everything
Hawking vs Penrose
Einstein vs Bohr
The Elegant Universe
***
Something powerful just struck me down. I can't believe it took me that long to figure out what it was for. I have the gift of first time experiences.
What it's for: Depending on whether or not I can do something the first time I encounter it determines whether or not I should spend my time learning to do it.
Sometimes I suck at something and if I am forced to pursue it I become good at it, yes...but it usually is not as important as I deem it to be. In the long run. But other times..my first foray into a field is dazzling...which means that with VERY LITTLE effort I can use it to my advantage. Now that I know this...I can weed out the experiences I will learn peripherally from.
***
This is turning into my Dream Journal of sorts...which is not something I don't like.
Something about a dream with W wasn't sitting too well with me. Until I realized why not.
Last night, as the other nights before it, i dreamt of him. However, in the dream I cut him off midsentence and shifted to another dream entirely. Somehow in the middle of the dream - I went - 'Tuh, whatever' and boom! I'd moved on. The details are hazy. Of both before and after dreams.
I just remember not being happy with the sequence of events in the dream, when I awoke. Esp. how abrupt his leave was from me. I finally understand why it was that it bothered me so much. That instance in my dream is very much like the way his influence in my life was cut short. By me. i am not necessarily interested in seeing him right now, even though he bears heavy on my mind.
I don't want him to be an influence in my life, right now, for the distraction he causes me. And whence he is present in my life as a thing that causes anxiety it becomes something of a distraction - not something which I learn productively from. Which was the very reason he was there for anyway. So to learn what I need, I need to distance myself until the time is right. And when the time is right...it'll happen. Until then I have a lot of catching up to do.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Somnia
Something unusual happened to me last night.
I was reading a very good book that was talking about AUM and how A and U stand for the Awake and Dream states of our conciousnesses. As I was reading about U and how when one is aware of ones dreams, it becomes apparent that one is closer to the goal already, by that much.
By knowing our dreams, our desires (hidden and obvious), our encounters in a dimension free of space and time and nature of these encounters, one is better able to understand the objective "reality" of our lives better. Meditation helps. Tremendously. Apparently Yogis are able, with great precision, to recall dream states and experiences and also encounter their hidden desires whence dreaming and fulfill them no less!
I remember all my dreams now, albeit not with as much clarity as I would like. Which is still way better than when I would either NOT dream or not remember or remember only those dreams that had high impact value and came just before waking.
Last night however I dreamt that I was listening in on a conversation between 2-3 friends - people I didn't really know except for one of the guys who happens to be someone I grew up with. I was sometimes peripherally in the conversation and sometimes floating around the people, in this dream. At one point the person i recognized was down on the ground yelling at one of his friends about how he can't take the third degree that his friend is subjecting him to, anymore. And he stomps off. In my dream I think - "gee I'd like to see that again", and whaddya know...it repeats itself! The scene repeated itself and not only that - it also changed to be less abusive. I liked that. Being able to control dreams is utterly possible, then.
I think I projected last night too. For a span of 2 seconds. Granted that it was the first time I tried...that was cool. I find that my breathing constricts everytime the vibrations increase.
***
I can't understand why I let these things affect me so much. W has been on my mind. Conciously and subconciously. I dreamt about him, and him and another. They were walking up the stairs and all he was doing was staring at me from across the stairs. Making sure that our lines of sight were always aligned. I was with people who I didn't know and he was with people I knew.
Which was a lot like this weekend I was with people I don't know anymore. They surrounded me, they talked the talk that to me a few months ago was so familiar and enticing and now it just sounds boring. But to obfuscate this further I also feel I am falling out of touch with the YAs. I can have a conversation just fine with them...but since I want to tackle serious topics, and they like a little joviality in their lives - I am stuck sometimes, having lost my sense of humor temporarily.
My sense of humor is based on cynical sarcasm, which i find more and more appalling. It's a form of disdain, and I claim no superiority whenever I can conciously control it. Which is why sometimes I am loathe to jest. It feels pompous to make fun of someone else.
Vasanas came up this weekend. They are curiously similar to thoughts I have had in the past. However one integral difference between the Vasanas and my ideas are that Vasanas are accumulated latent impressions over the millions of cycles of life that each one of us go through, whereas I believe these are tendencies we take up in our atman-self to experience what we may. A genius is not a genius simply because the conciousness of this individual has retained most of what they have learnt. But is genius for the sake of choice. To understand better with a subtle intellect that which escapes the dull mind (which are apropos their lessons).
By and by as I read I find a lot that enchants. A lot that is identical to what I already percieve, on occasion I have reason to shirk ideas because they rigorously classify something as dangerous/harmless or bad/good. But besides these inputs come from non-vedantic sources, the Zen Buddists and Buddhism in general prescribe this but so far Vedanta as not dissatisfied me. It has rarely said anything that has given me pause and/or disquiet.
While I read this book. It also uniquely introduced the idea of removing sensory reliance on the outside world. Albeit slowly and in several ways it delineated the ideas in 2 major forms. One using the objects of this world to achieve That and second removing the objects as obstacles from your course. These two ideas actually go hand in hand. In both scenarios the object world is not to distract. In the first the object world is meant for contemplation. In the second it is merely that the world is viewed with detachment and it has little to offer to the one that is involved in knowing more via meditation.
I think atleast in my middling head - the second follows the first. Once the perception that the material world has given all it can sinks...the next step has to be digging deeper. Within self.
***
I feel myself being sucked back into the reality so forcefully that it is sometimes all I can do to NOTE that it is happening.
My temper is back. My ego is thriving. I am awkward and serious for no apparent reason.
I have feelings of inadequacies. I don't know why one person can have such an effect on me and yet I wonder if it's becoz I want him to have an effect on me that all this is happening. W W, the bane of my detachment scenario. Gia came up and suddenly I found myself clenching my fists, several other names that I didn't recognize came up in context of W and I found how strongly I reacted to the fact that he was who he was, before I arrived.
I have been avoiding him for the past 2 weeks. I am not sure I can bear to see him again - I think I lose sight of what is really important sometimes when I am around him. His aspect is so alluring, so very deep. And feelings of inferiority grab me by my neck...telling me how little I have to offer to the situation and YET. Here I am wondering WHY...
Somedays the world becomes my blackboard and I concoct ideas of when it dawns upon me that we are REALLY the same I will know more than I think I know. When I stop percieving the differences altogether...I am looking at things without creed, but when that stops becoming a concious act - that's when I will know I have arrived at realization. When I see the code. Things will be without time. Everything will be everything and nothing will be "impossible" including our own impossibilities!
I was reading a very good book that was talking about AUM and how A and U stand for the Awake and Dream states of our conciousnesses. As I was reading about U and how when one is aware of ones dreams, it becomes apparent that one is closer to the goal already, by that much.
By knowing our dreams, our desires (hidden and obvious), our encounters in a dimension free of space and time and nature of these encounters, one is better able to understand the objective "reality" of our lives better. Meditation helps. Tremendously. Apparently Yogis are able, with great precision, to recall dream states and experiences and also encounter their hidden desires whence dreaming and fulfill them no less!
I remember all my dreams now, albeit not with as much clarity as I would like. Which is still way better than when I would either NOT dream or not remember or remember only those dreams that had high impact value and came just before waking.
Last night however I dreamt that I was listening in on a conversation between 2-3 friends - people I didn't really know except for one of the guys who happens to be someone I grew up with. I was sometimes peripherally in the conversation and sometimes floating around the people, in this dream. At one point the person i recognized was down on the ground yelling at one of his friends about how he can't take the third degree that his friend is subjecting him to, anymore. And he stomps off. In my dream I think - "gee I'd like to see that again", and whaddya know...it repeats itself! The scene repeated itself and not only that - it also changed to be less abusive. I liked that. Being able to control dreams is utterly possible, then.
I think I projected last night too. For a span of 2 seconds. Granted that it was the first time I tried...that was cool. I find that my breathing constricts everytime the vibrations increase.
***
I can't understand why I let these things affect me so much. W has been on my mind. Conciously and subconciously. I dreamt about him, and him and another. They were walking up the stairs and all he was doing was staring at me from across the stairs. Making sure that our lines of sight were always aligned. I was with people who I didn't know and he was with people I knew.
Which was a lot like this weekend I was with people I don't know anymore. They surrounded me, they talked the talk that to me a few months ago was so familiar and enticing and now it just sounds boring. But to obfuscate this further I also feel I am falling out of touch with the YAs. I can have a conversation just fine with them...but since I want to tackle serious topics, and they like a little joviality in their lives - I am stuck sometimes, having lost my sense of humor temporarily.
My sense of humor is based on cynical sarcasm, which i find more and more appalling. It's a form of disdain, and I claim no superiority whenever I can conciously control it. Which is why sometimes I am loathe to jest. It feels pompous to make fun of someone else.
Vasanas came up this weekend. They are curiously similar to thoughts I have had in the past. However one integral difference between the Vasanas and my ideas are that Vasanas are accumulated latent impressions over the millions of cycles of life that each one of us go through, whereas I believe these are tendencies we take up in our atman-self to experience what we may. A genius is not a genius simply because the conciousness of this individual has retained most of what they have learnt. But is genius for the sake of choice. To understand better with a subtle intellect that which escapes the dull mind (which are apropos their lessons).
By and by as I read I find a lot that enchants. A lot that is identical to what I already percieve, on occasion I have reason to shirk ideas because they rigorously classify something as dangerous/harmless or bad/good. But besides these inputs come from non-vedantic sources, the Zen Buddists and Buddhism in general prescribe this but so far Vedanta as not dissatisfied me. It has rarely said anything that has given me pause and/or disquiet.
While I read this book. It also uniquely introduced the idea of removing sensory reliance on the outside world. Albeit slowly and in several ways it delineated the ideas in 2 major forms. One using the objects of this world to achieve That and second removing the objects as obstacles from your course. These two ideas actually go hand in hand. In both scenarios the object world is not to distract. In the first the object world is meant for contemplation. In the second it is merely that the world is viewed with detachment and it has little to offer to the one that is involved in knowing more via meditation.
I think atleast in my middling head - the second follows the first. Once the perception that the material world has given all it can sinks...the next step has to be digging deeper. Within self.
***
I feel myself being sucked back into the reality so forcefully that it is sometimes all I can do to NOTE that it is happening.
My temper is back. My ego is thriving. I am awkward and serious for no apparent reason.
I have feelings of inadequacies. I don't know why one person can have such an effect on me and yet I wonder if it's becoz I want him to have an effect on me that all this is happening. W W, the bane of my detachment scenario. Gia came up and suddenly I found myself clenching my fists, several other names that I didn't recognize came up in context of W and I found how strongly I reacted to the fact that he was who he was, before I arrived.
I have been avoiding him for the past 2 weeks. I am not sure I can bear to see him again - I think I lose sight of what is really important sometimes when I am around him. His aspect is so alluring, so very deep. And feelings of inferiority grab me by my neck...telling me how little I have to offer to the situation and YET. Here I am wondering WHY...
Somedays the world becomes my blackboard and I concoct ideas of when it dawns upon me that we are REALLY the same I will know more than I think I know. When I stop percieving the differences altogether...I am looking at things without creed, but when that stops becoming a concious act - that's when I will know I have arrived at realization. When I see the code. Things will be without time. Everything will be everything and nothing will be "impossible" including our own impossibilities!
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Experto Crede
Dear self,
Trust yourself. You've experienced the 'reality' of what you wanted to believe...now use that to know that in good time all else you percieved will happen. Even though it feels unlike it will. KNOW it will and It will BE.
Be happy. BE HAPPY - It's in YOUR power to be HAPPY! If you can't make yourself happy...who can??? It's a choice. Like opening up a can of worms - you can choose NOT to or you can choose to. As long as it's clear that it is your desicion - you can do anything you want. Be sad. Be happy. Be grumpy, sleepy, sneezy, bashful, dopey or even doc.
It's MY DECISION!!! AND I MUST REMIND MESELF lest I forget!
***
I understand now why some of the answers are obscured...for if we never seek answers to spozedly unanswerable questions...then how do we return to what we always knew? How do we dig our way? How indeed?
It heartens me but it doesn't dissuade me from the quest. Because I understand the need to understand why...I am better able to pay attention to it.
***
"The only way to win sometimes is to surrender."
"Sacrifice is giving up something you want for something you don't want. It is never required."
"Any different spacetime is a dream for a good sane earthling, which you are going to be for a while yet."
***
Haiku from the poetic Macbeth,
"You don't have sex for a while. You meet a man...you have sex."
Me on a party of people I didn't know:
"I have to go back inside. I came as antisocial tonite."
***
If we were (say we were) different from the God we all so love and trust, and yet she was our beneficient creator...explain how the creation of us negates us being God? How it doesn't become our ultimate goal...? Let us assume all the dimensions, all its creations all its subcreations...they are all there for our enjoyment...our education. What when one has experienced all of them. For if we have infinite experiences, we have infinite 'time'. Then what?
Do we share these experiences with others? Then what? What when after an eternity...we have done that exactly and we are now doing what? At some point the balance tips in favor of those who are teaching versus those who are being taught. Unless creation is continuing obtusely over and beyond the normal limits...even so...it seems sort of futile to be God and not realize it for the nothing better than to live your millions of lives...experiencing...for this need to know above and beyond - the love we all seek so desperately and weariness of the 'living' must catch up. Mustn't it?
Trust yourself. You've experienced the 'reality' of what you wanted to believe...now use that to know that in good time all else you percieved will happen. Even though it feels unlike it will. KNOW it will and It will BE.
Be happy. BE HAPPY - It's in YOUR power to be HAPPY! If you can't make yourself happy...who can??? It's a choice. Like opening up a can of worms - you can choose NOT to or you can choose to. As long as it's clear that it is your desicion - you can do anything you want. Be sad. Be happy. Be grumpy, sleepy, sneezy, bashful, dopey or even doc.
It's MY DECISION!!! AND I MUST REMIND MESELF lest I forget!
***
I understand now why some of the answers are obscured...for if we never seek answers to spozedly unanswerable questions...then how do we return to what we always knew? How do we dig our way? How indeed?
It heartens me but it doesn't dissuade me from the quest. Because I understand the need to understand why...I am better able to pay attention to it.
***
"The only way to win sometimes is to surrender."
"Sacrifice is giving up something you want for something you don't want. It is never required."
"Any different spacetime is a dream for a good sane earthling, which you are going to be for a while yet."
***
Haiku from the poetic Macbeth,
"You don't have sex for a while. You meet a man...you have sex."
Me on a party of people I didn't know:
"I have to go back inside. I came as antisocial tonite."
***
If we were (say we were) different from the God we all so love and trust, and yet she was our beneficient creator...explain how the creation of us negates us being God? How it doesn't become our ultimate goal...? Let us assume all the dimensions, all its creations all its subcreations...they are all there for our enjoyment...our education. What when one has experienced all of them. For if we have infinite experiences, we have infinite 'time'. Then what?
Do we share these experiences with others? Then what? What when after an eternity...we have done that exactly and we are now doing what? At some point the balance tips in favor of those who are teaching versus those who are being taught. Unless creation is continuing obtusely over and beyond the normal limits...even so...it seems sort of futile to be God and not realize it for the nothing better than to live your millions of lives...experiencing...for this need to know above and beyond - the love we all seek so desperately and weariness of the 'living' must catch up. Mustn't it?
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Causality of Nothing
The chaos beneath belies the tempest upon which the calm and order persist.
***
Love can be lost in the perceptions of sex and gender. In restrictions and preconvictions.
Be careful of what it is that you are trying to understand about love, my dear. For it is easily lost if due attention is not being paid.
***
Neti neti with a hint of Sohum Sohum is necessary. For I cannot know the nature of what I am soley by knowing what I am not...becoz I must be something...I must be THAT.
***
Those who believe that homosexuality is deviant are looking at it from a purely dogmatic perspective. Perhaps homosexuality is merely the next logical evolution in our quest for love. This came up with White Samurai, who has a hard time with the concept. And as I started to think about it I wondered if it were true...Which sent me spiralling on a quest (for the jobless this stray thought was): Most polymaths or other geniuses, who we assume are evolutionarily our superiors as people with mutiple survivalistic tendencies, also assume the nature of vague sexuality. Check: Da Vinci, Vikram Seth, Sameul Taylor Coleridge, Goethe (Faust, Theory of Colors), et al.
Which brings me the to the point about Geniuses and Polymaths - they are 'superior' becoz they have chosen to exhibit a set of skills that they thought would, in this life help understand what it was that they were learning perhaps with clarity and surety. Their lessons were to come from many places, many people. Many lesson. Many skills.
***
If God is something and there is another entity 'nothing', which is not God, then God is not everything.
So either God is everything and there is no "nothing" or there is "nothing" and all that is not God is "nothing". Which means that we are either nothing or God.
Ofcourse then classically we could have a third entity - "something" which was/is neither God nor nothing. Some would argue that God could, herself, have created this third entity. But God IS everything he created. So how/why would the third entity be different from EVERYTHING? Isn't EVERYTHING by definition covering the argument that something different is ALSO Everything??? Besides this obvious paradox, we are then different from God and God has no dominion on this third entity and therefore the premise of the argument that we all came from God but are different is completely false. We either came from God and all is God OR we came from "something" and as far we are concerned there may or maynot be a God, whose effect is insubstantial on our beings. Thus we are all something which is neither God nor nothing. We are of another nature entirely. And the nature of something may or may not be Sublime and therefore there may or may not exist salvation in any manner from it.
Oh the deviousness of arguments.
***
Proportionate cause for effect is defined as: If the cause be known only by the effect, we never ought to ascribe to it any qualities, beyond what are precisely requisite to produce the effect.
If God was the cause, who was the cause for God. Since God must also be an effect.
If the universe needs a cause, then why doesn’t God need a cause? And if God doesn’t need a cause, why should the universe need a cause?
This life of mine. To question is to know. To know is to know well. To know well is to believe it. To believe it is to realize it...to realize it is to BE that which is known.
***
More laffs from people who talk funny:
"I don't dislike him, its not about that. He's just a truly nasty person."
"He's so nice, he'd bend over backwards for you AND touch the floor."
"Do you guys ever get tired of chewing food?"
***
I was feeling dispassionate about W and was wondering whether whatever it was that I was looking for, from him was going to have to pertain to the fact that we fit...becoz somehow that seemed hollow now...lo and behold...the book sez:
"You wait a lifetimeto meet Someone, who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end, you find that Someone, all along has been you."
And I laughed out loud - because OFCOURSE that's true! What kindly words these are to me.
***
As I wonder about AP and other mind extensions and their possible benefits and what fallouts they might incur. And whether or not it fits in, with my ideas, thus says the prodigious book:
"You adjust your perceptions to a certain frequency, and call what you see "this world". You can tune yourself to other frequencies whenever you wish."
It's so eeriely on the money - it gives me the shakes. For if all of that isn't JUST a different frequency then what is it??? iCaramba!
***
Tonight - I had multiple plans - and I cancelled them all becoz I was under the impression that the next day had to start at 7am, therefore I was to go spend the night at a friends house. After much calling back and forth and jostling the schedule around and deciding NOT to spend the night in the company of a birthday girl's party (original plan), I decided instead on the said friend, having discussed these plans with her, in precise detail. Or so I thought I had. Folly of a mind that thinks it is prepared.
Said friend (Nar) and other friends...were all at one of their houses' tonite. So I decided instead to metro the distance out to her place a/f she was done there...Ark calls me and it turns out that tomorrow REALLY starts at 9am. Which gives me plenty of time to get up and carry out all my morningtuals and still manage to hitch a ride with Ark. And I wonder that it escaped both me and said friend that that was the time. Anyways, she calls me at a late hour - after she is partly done at a friends's. This to me is a late enough hour to NOT want to ride the metro to spend the night with someone who is prolly going to be sleepy and too tired to talk when I arrive. Besides this I'd have to spend 1hr commuting with weird Nightfolk.
I don't know why but an irrational fear grabbed me. I didn't want to go to meet her anymore. It was too late. It's not that I am afraid of late nite trave. I mean I used to get nervous all the time but the last few late nights I have had to travel alone, and they were later than this one tonite, I was dandy. But today - my god, you'd've had to see me to realize how shook up I was about it.
For a long moment I was VERY frustrated. The friend aforementioned, was AWARE that the meet was @ 9am. And as I had talked her through everything else...it should've come up earlier. I cancelled all these plans to make it tonight so tomorrow morning wouldn't be a problem.
Oi. Needless to say I lost my temper. I had packed. I had actually packed my stuff and was ready to leave at unsaid hour. And the call didn't come until more than an hour later. I happened to talk to Picture within that time and somehow got the impression that this is not unusal with Nar.
I cancelled my plans, aware that PC and her sister, Nar, etc were all together when I finally called and made it final.
I was home - restful. They were all there - playful. PC talked with me - read me a quote from Illusions to soothe my frayed nerves...the one about how the sky knows all the plans and one as a cloud must learn to rise above the horizon in order to see this.
A funny thing happened - as I fumed...I had a crisis. In one dull moment before the finale call - I was having a sort of a dialogue with myself:
Rightonsister:"WELL I can KNOW nothing wrong is going to happen if I make this trip...and it'll work out that way."
And sure enough, my cunning half goes: "But you don't know for sure what you believe is right or wrong. What if something WRONG were to happen? What if ripples really do exist??? What if other people can ruin your lessons? What if there is misguidance? You're riding a mighty thin line lady."
I reminded myself - "I chose this. Remember reality - and how it can be molded? If I believe this is my reality - my choice - it will remain that way...if I choose another perception...I could get hurt nevertheless and never learn a damn thing."
Wants-to-muddy-up-the-pool-sista: "But what if what you know is flawed."
Me: "Well the reality will become flawed if you believe it flawed."
Me: "Well what if your believing has nothing to do with anything?"
Me: "Oi. Make a stand, either you believe it or not! Stop your wishwashing!"
Me: "Well that's BLIND FAITH!"
Me: "Until such a time as I know different- this is what I know!"
Me: "Ok. But I want to REALIZE this KNOWLEDGE already."
Me: "Try harder."
Almost certainly one answer for this conversation is - insecurity. In moments of even not so real quandary - I still have a dialogue. I must know for SURE. Damn that Jack Bauer. He taught me to verify until there is no remaining doubt. Damn him.
And even as I had fumed after the last call - I reminded myself - lesson lesson! What are you learning about yourself?? Not just that you still get ANGRY...but WHY are you ANGRY?
And this cooled me down. Greatly - I was still mildly resentful, but for the better part the anger had *poof* disappeared!
Thus, I wondered then why it was that I was so angry just a little while ago - why had it bothered me so much at the time that I had to cancel other plans to make this little trip and it didn't work out. An answer for my anger is - my pride. However smaller it may have gotten...it is still alive and doing quite well for itself. Setting up import-export even.
I obviously felt that a cavalier attitude towards a large commute is unacceptable - however momentary that unacceptance is. A bruised ego is a fine spectacle, is it not? I can't believe that something that silly - a change in my level of informativeness made me so amply angry.
It was the indecisiveness that done it...not knowing whether or not I ought to go still, even after I was garanteed a ride with Ark, Nar's reasons for wanting to see me...what really was bothering me about the late night travel...etc etc...I am indecisive...I dislike desicions. I spend days balancing out the good from the not so much about notecards. So you can imagine what this was doing to me. It was like the war of the whoopie cushions inside me head fer a sicend.
Fastidious art thou - oh ego your reasons are but shallow beckonings of mistrust.
What a queer outbreak!
***
That same night I was invited to W's but chose not to go in lieu of above fiasco - I am w(e)ary of him. I don't know anymore whether I am ready to learn whatever it is that is to be offered to me. Besides I am not sure about his tendencies either. Which sometimes disarm me and other times make me nervous. Ofcourse another reason I'd've brought up, rationally, were it anyone else is that I am angry about W enjoying his time with friends, while I got to stay at home. Am I (shudder) jealous?
I would ashamedly admit that I was a little disturbed by something earlier last week - his attitude with the ladies...it's a bit, how-do-you-say? Cocky. Jealousy I have chosen to forget...infact that's a ramblelog on its own merit...and I'm still brining the ideas on this, for it is something I meditated on and realized the import of...to him o'course. Not to say that I abide by it. I still don't necessarily like it or will necessarily abide by it...but it's his deal. Not mine. And as long as those 2 paths don't overlap - everything can be said to be running smoothly.
Thus, though convincing in its realm, that isn't a reason all by itself. It oughtn't be. Besides he was entitled to his friends and time with them WAY before I even knew him. So that's not it.
It's definitely my ego and the fact that I had plans I went through extreme discomfort to cancel at what appears to be solely my expense. It would make me victim to Friday's curse of the wallflowers. No-plan-girl stays at home. She must be inflamed - she's been taken for granted!
Granted? I'd say having 3 people clamoring to make plans with me...I fear not grantedness...the fact that I ended up alone as per MY decision means that actually what I have is - something I have needed for a while - A RESTFUL FRIDAY NIGHT. And it was MY decision. So I WANTED it...however contrary it seemed hours ago.
I was angry whence i thought the cancellations were pointless. But as soon as I understood that the point was solitude, the anger vanished.
Though it seemed like it'd be better spent in company - in all honesty I've been whining about the birthday party and not wanting to go to it all week. All last week I was sulking over having no ME time! All this aggravation, and dissatisfaction from seeing fleeting glimpses of W that I was starting to dislike had built up - and I was really in no mood to have a long winded conversation about something I was saying that I wasn't sure the other person even fully comprehended.
Actually when it comes down to it - I think I was really bent out of shape because I wouldn't be able to relax and read this great book that I wanted to read while I was traveling. This is laughably significant because even as I had opened this entry for editing to add all these thoughts in...I had subconciously pulled it out of my travel bag. And it sits beside me waiting to stimulate me.
I needed this time to myself. IMPORTANTLY, I need this time to focus on things that matter. And the book I wanted to so read all day. I feel as if there is something hidden in it.
Besides, if there is something in the situation I have missed then it will make itself obvious when I so choose. As other reasons unfold...I will become better able to understand tonite.
For now it is my nightly tryst with Jack Bauer that beckons. And then onto the bright book that wants to share some scientinstinct.
***
Significantly the Messiah book earlier said: "To learn anything, you must put aside the safety of your ignorance."
I wonder if this pertains to my realization seeking questions or the fact that tonight was spozed to be on the lam and I should've persevered with the plans as haphazard as they seemed and not had doubts, or both. Hmmm.
Then it said, whence I was angry:
"Every event is subjective: not what it means, that matters, but what it means to you."
"You build lifetimes as spiders build webs. Lots of trials, sometimes, to fit one strand."
Oh joy and mystery hand in hand you go. Such ponderous words as these I must bind to my bosom as I sleep tonight...for with the mysteries of the world, tonight I sleep with the bodies of doubts that assailed me in broad daylight. To words I cling tonight.
***
Love can be lost in the perceptions of sex and gender. In restrictions and preconvictions.
Be careful of what it is that you are trying to understand about love, my dear. For it is easily lost if due attention is not being paid.
***
Neti neti with a hint of Sohum Sohum is necessary. For I cannot know the nature of what I am soley by knowing what I am not...becoz I must be something...I must be THAT.
***
Those who believe that homosexuality is deviant are looking at it from a purely dogmatic perspective. Perhaps homosexuality is merely the next logical evolution in our quest for love. This came up with White Samurai, who has a hard time with the concept. And as I started to think about it I wondered if it were true...Which sent me spiralling on a quest (for the jobless this stray thought was): Most polymaths or other geniuses, who we assume are evolutionarily our superiors as people with mutiple survivalistic tendencies, also assume the nature of vague sexuality. Check: Da Vinci, Vikram Seth, Sameul Taylor Coleridge, Goethe (Faust, Theory of Colors), et al.
Which brings me the to the point about Geniuses and Polymaths - they are 'superior' becoz they have chosen to exhibit a set of skills that they thought would, in this life help understand what it was that they were learning perhaps with clarity and surety. Their lessons were to come from many places, many people. Many lesson. Many skills.
***
If God is something and there is another entity 'nothing', which is not God, then God is not everything.
So either God is everything and there is no "nothing" or there is "nothing" and all that is not God is "nothing". Which means that we are either nothing or God.
Ofcourse then classically we could have a third entity - "something" which was/is neither God nor nothing. Some would argue that God could, herself, have created this third entity. But God IS everything he created. So how/why would the third entity be different from EVERYTHING? Isn't EVERYTHING by definition covering the argument that something different is ALSO Everything??? Besides this obvious paradox, we are then different from God and God has no dominion on this third entity and therefore the premise of the argument that we all came from God but are different is completely false. We either came from God and all is God OR we came from "something" and as far we are concerned there may or maynot be a God, whose effect is insubstantial on our beings. Thus we are all something which is neither God nor nothing. We are of another nature entirely. And the nature of something may or may not be Sublime and therefore there may or may not exist salvation in any manner from it.
Oh the deviousness of arguments.
***
Proportionate cause for effect is defined as: If the cause be known only by the effect, we never ought to ascribe to it any qualities, beyond what are precisely requisite to produce the effect.
If God was the cause, who was the cause for God. Since God must also be an effect.
If the universe needs a cause, then why doesn’t God need a cause? And if God doesn’t need a cause, why should the universe need a cause?
This life of mine. To question is to know. To know is to know well. To know well is to believe it. To believe it is to realize it...to realize it is to BE that which is known.
***
More laffs from people who talk funny:
"I don't dislike him, its not about that. He's just a truly nasty person."
"He's so nice, he'd bend over backwards for you AND touch the floor."
"Do you guys ever get tired of chewing food?"
***
I was feeling dispassionate about W and was wondering whether whatever it was that I was looking for, from him was going to have to pertain to the fact that we fit...becoz somehow that seemed hollow now...lo and behold...the book sez:
"You wait a lifetimeto meet Someone, who understands you, accepts you as you are. At the end, you find that Someone, all along has been you."
And I laughed out loud - because OFCOURSE that's true! What kindly words these are to me.
***
As I wonder about AP and other mind extensions and their possible benefits and what fallouts they might incur. And whether or not it fits in, with my ideas, thus says the prodigious book:
"You adjust your perceptions to a certain frequency, and call what you see "this world". You can tune yourself to other frequencies whenever you wish."
It's so eeriely on the money - it gives me the shakes. For if all of that isn't JUST a different frequency then what is it??? iCaramba!
***
Tonight - I had multiple plans - and I cancelled them all becoz I was under the impression that the next day had to start at 7am, therefore I was to go spend the night at a friends house. After much calling back and forth and jostling the schedule around and deciding NOT to spend the night in the company of a birthday girl's party (original plan), I decided instead on the said friend, having discussed these plans with her, in precise detail. Or so I thought I had. Folly of a mind that thinks it is prepared.
Said friend (Nar) and other friends...were all at one of their houses' tonite. So I decided instead to metro the distance out to her place a/f she was done there...Ark calls me and it turns out that tomorrow REALLY starts at 9am. Which gives me plenty of time to get up and carry out all my morningtuals and still manage to hitch a ride with Ark. And I wonder that it escaped both me and said friend that that was the time. Anyways, she calls me at a late hour - after she is partly done at a friends's. This to me is a late enough hour to NOT want to ride the metro to spend the night with someone who is prolly going to be sleepy and too tired to talk when I arrive. Besides this I'd have to spend 1hr commuting with weird Nightfolk.
I don't know why but an irrational fear grabbed me. I didn't want to go to meet her anymore. It was too late. It's not that I am afraid of late nite trave. I mean I used to get nervous all the time but the last few late nights I have had to travel alone, and they were later than this one tonite, I was dandy. But today - my god, you'd've had to see me to realize how shook up I was about it.
For a long moment I was VERY frustrated. The friend aforementioned, was AWARE that the meet was @ 9am. And as I had talked her through everything else...it should've come up earlier. I cancelled all these plans to make it tonight so tomorrow morning wouldn't be a problem.
Oi. Needless to say I lost my temper. I had packed. I had actually packed my stuff and was ready to leave at unsaid hour. And the call didn't come until more than an hour later. I happened to talk to Picture within that time and somehow got the impression that this is not unusal with Nar.
I cancelled my plans, aware that PC and her sister, Nar, etc were all together when I finally called and made it final.
I was home - restful. They were all there - playful. PC talked with me - read me a quote from Illusions to soothe my frayed nerves...the one about how the sky knows all the plans and one as a cloud must learn to rise above the horizon in order to see this.
A funny thing happened - as I fumed...I had a crisis. In one dull moment before the finale call - I was having a sort of a dialogue with myself:
Rightonsister:"WELL I can KNOW nothing wrong is going to happen if I make this trip...and it'll work out that way."
And sure enough, my cunning half goes: "But you don't know for sure what you believe is right or wrong. What if something WRONG were to happen? What if ripples really do exist??? What if other people can ruin your lessons? What if there is misguidance? You're riding a mighty thin line lady."
I reminded myself - "I chose this. Remember reality - and how it can be molded? If I believe this is my reality - my choice - it will remain that way...if I choose another perception...I could get hurt nevertheless and never learn a damn thing."
Wants-to-muddy-up-the-pool-sista: "But what if what you know is flawed."
Me: "Well the reality will become flawed if you believe it flawed."
Me: "Well what if your believing has nothing to do with anything?"
Me: "Oi. Make a stand, either you believe it or not! Stop your wishwashing!"
Me: "Well that's BLIND FAITH!"
Me: "Until such a time as I know different- this is what I know!"
Me: "Ok. But I want to REALIZE this KNOWLEDGE already."
Me: "Try harder."
Almost certainly one answer for this conversation is - insecurity. In moments of even not so real quandary - I still have a dialogue. I must know for SURE. Damn that Jack Bauer. He taught me to verify until there is no remaining doubt. Damn him.
And even as I had fumed after the last call - I reminded myself - lesson lesson! What are you learning about yourself?? Not just that you still get ANGRY...but WHY are you ANGRY?
And this cooled me down. Greatly - I was still mildly resentful, but for the better part the anger had *poof* disappeared!
Thus, I wondered then why it was that I was so angry just a little while ago - why had it bothered me so much at the time that I had to cancel other plans to make this little trip and it didn't work out. An answer for my anger is - my pride. However smaller it may have gotten...it is still alive and doing quite well for itself. Setting up import-export even.
I obviously felt that a cavalier attitude towards a large commute is unacceptable - however momentary that unacceptance is. A bruised ego is a fine spectacle, is it not? I can't believe that something that silly - a change in my level of informativeness made me so amply angry.
It was the indecisiveness that done it...not knowing whether or not I ought to go still, even after I was garanteed a ride with Ark, Nar's reasons for wanting to see me...what really was bothering me about the late night travel...etc etc...I am indecisive...I dislike desicions. I spend days balancing out the good from the not so much about notecards. So you can imagine what this was doing to me. It was like the war of the whoopie cushions inside me head fer a sicend.
Fastidious art thou - oh ego your reasons are but shallow beckonings of mistrust.
What a queer outbreak!
***
That same night I was invited to W's but chose not to go in lieu of above fiasco - I am w(e)ary of him. I don't know anymore whether I am ready to learn whatever it is that is to be offered to me. Besides I am not sure about his tendencies either. Which sometimes disarm me and other times make me nervous. Ofcourse another reason I'd've brought up, rationally, were it anyone else is that I am angry about W enjoying his time with friends, while I got to stay at home. Am I (shudder) jealous?
I would ashamedly admit that I was a little disturbed by something earlier last week - his attitude with the ladies...it's a bit, how-do-you-say? Cocky. Jealousy I have chosen to forget...infact that's a ramblelog on its own merit...and I'm still brining the ideas on this, for it is something I meditated on and realized the import of...to him o'course. Not to say that I abide by it. I still don't necessarily like it or will necessarily abide by it...but it's his deal. Not mine. And as long as those 2 paths don't overlap - everything can be said to be running smoothly.
Thus, though convincing in its realm, that isn't a reason all by itself. It oughtn't be. Besides he was entitled to his friends and time with them WAY before I even knew him. So that's not it.
It's definitely my ego and the fact that I had plans I went through extreme discomfort to cancel at what appears to be solely my expense. It would make me victim to Friday's curse of the wallflowers. No-plan-girl stays at home. She must be inflamed - she's been taken for granted!
Granted? I'd say having 3 people clamoring to make plans with me...I fear not grantedness...the fact that I ended up alone as per MY decision means that actually what I have is - something I have needed for a while - A RESTFUL FRIDAY NIGHT. And it was MY decision. So I WANTED it...however contrary it seemed hours ago.
I was angry whence i thought the cancellations were pointless. But as soon as I understood that the point was solitude, the anger vanished.
Though it seemed like it'd be better spent in company - in all honesty I've been whining about the birthday party and not wanting to go to it all week. All last week I was sulking over having no ME time! All this aggravation, and dissatisfaction from seeing fleeting glimpses of W that I was starting to dislike had built up - and I was really in no mood to have a long winded conversation about something I was saying that I wasn't sure the other person even fully comprehended.
Actually when it comes down to it - I think I was really bent out of shape because I wouldn't be able to relax and read this great book that I wanted to read while I was traveling. This is laughably significant because even as I had opened this entry for editing to add all these thoughts in...I had subconciously pulled it out of my travel bag. And it sits beside me waiting to stimulate me.
I needed this time to myself. IMPORTANTLY, I need this time to focus on things that matter. And the book I wanted to so read all day. I feel as if there is something hidden in it.
Besides, if there is something in the situation I have missed then it will make itself obvious when I so choose. As other reasons unfold...I will become better able to understand tonite.
For now it is my nightly tryst with Jack Bauer that beckons. And then onto the bright book that wants to share some scientinstinct.
***
Significantly the Messiah book earlier said: "To learn anything, you must put aside the safety of your ignorance."
I wonder if this pertains to my realization seeking questions or the fact that tonight was spozed to be on the lam and I should've persevered with the plans as haphazard as they seemed and not had doubts, or both. Hmmm.
Then it said, whence I was angry:
"Every event is subjective: not what it means, that matters, but what it means to you."
"You build lifetimes as spiders build webs. Lots of trials, sometimes, to fit one strand."
Oh joy and mystery hand in hand you go. Such ponderous words as these I must bind to my bosom as I sleep tonight...for with the mysteries of the world, tonight I sleep with the bodies of doubts that assailed me in broad daylight. To words I cling tonight.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
A curious Observation
Every time I eat meat of any kind - I spend the day/next day fuming. This has become often and clear enough that I can see it happening. Normally my day passes in a calm, determined, happy manner.
Hellooo Mr. Meat and Boom! I am pissy, sarcastic and sometimes unable to do MATHS!!
Kind of like Right Now.
I really want to give up eating it...and I did until I started to get all morally bankrupt over the mice I kill for my degree. In order to not have to acknowledge that fact and to avoid rationalizing it I have decided that I will continue to eat meat.
But I am now faced with the threat of losing my equanimity, now what?
I am not ok with being fallaciously angry. Esp. when I know why it is that I feel angry - to know the reason and then to ignore it - that is irreverent.
***
Somehow theoretical science makes people inaccessible esp. if they are not good scientists to begin with.
***
As a biologist you learn to deal with variables and you learn that you must change everything and when nothing changes, you change that which was always thought to be right.
***
Humorous Words from the Land of Nod:
In reference to the 'evolution of the guitar-playing super-copulative variety of male squirrels':
S: Don't squirrels breed like maggots?
moi: You mean rabbits?
S: Yeah, those.
^^^
White Samurai: You're passionate!
moi: about what?
White Samurai: Nothing I guess. But you are passionate.
^^^
An arcane, science-savvy comment :P, with reference to the extent of pH-ing of a buffer solution-type question from White Samurai:
moi: I guess you have to pH that to the right molarity of...uh...hydrogen ions.
^^^
moi: Feed me!
White Samurai: You've come to the wrong man.
^^^
Various on moi:
"She's like a little kid, trapped in a little kids body."
"VR see. VR eat."
Hellooo Mr. Meat and Boom! I am pissy, sarcastic and sometimes unable to do MATHS!!
Kind of like Right Now.
I really want to give up eating it...and I did until I started to get all morally bankrupt over the mice I kill for my degree. In order to not have to acknowledge that fact and to avoid rationalizing it I have decided that I will continue to eat meat.
But I am now faced with the threat of losing my equanimity, now what?
I am not ok with being fallaciously angry. Esp. when I know why it is that I feel angry - to know the reason and then to ignore it - that is irreverent.
***
Somehow theoretical science makes people inaccessible esp. if they are not good scientists to begin with.
***
As a biologist you learn to deal with variables and you learn that you must change everything and when nothing changes, you change that which was always thought to be right.
***
Humorous Words from the Land of Nod:
In reference to the 'evolution of the guitar-playing super-copulative variety of male squirrels':
S: Don't squirrels breed like maggots?
moi: You mean rabbits?
S: Yeah, those.
^^^
White Samurai: You're passionate!
moi: about what?
White Samurai: Nothing I guess. But you are passionate.
^^^
An arcane, science-savvy comment :P, with reference to the extent of pH-ing of a buffer solution-type question from White Samurai:
moi: I guess you have to pH that to the right molarity of...uh...hydrogen ions.
^^^
moi: Feed me!
White Samurai: You've come to the wrong man.
^^^
Various on moi:
"She's like a little kid, trapped in a little kids body."
"VR see. VR eat."
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