Shubh Deepawali

Ambiguous

There was a dream. Sach had a kid. A beautiful kid. Beautiful as he had been. He had a T-shirt with the kid's picture on it. I have been thinking about Sach for a long time...on and off. A sense of betrayal hangs over my head as if i must acknowledge something there that I am loathe to remember.

***

It is sometimes with relish that i relive my conversations with people that whence i was in them percieved them to be arguments that were futile and were prodded by an unseen hand within me...and it is rife with great relief when i look back and see what it was that I gained.
And here is the essence of the discourse with White Samurai -

The difference between the equanimous and the agitated...in every action...they percieve the God that is everlasting and omnisicient. Every little thing they do is significant therefore.

I understand. It is with the joy of the first time, that the Masters they do every thing...because in every turn they see the joy anew everytime.

***

I talk and talk and I discover and discover...but I don't practise.

A part of me believes that there is need for it and another part of me believes there isn't. That when the time is right, the path will become me, and I shall stop seeking. But a part of me also believes that seeking is important also...for it was that hidden, subconcious need for this peace that led me here. That by practising I will become that which I want to become. The voice follows me...practise, practise...it is few and only few who have the self-discipline to live life and be equanimous. But can't this begotten by Knowing and realizing. I spoz what I am asking is what is it that practise allows us to realize? That? In its eternity? Or to relenquish our control to That? Or the fact that That becomes more prominient in everything we do?

It is that isn't it? The ever prominence of That becomes apparent. In everything.

That truth is eventually mine to take...the question is how.

I see how the masters teach...they teach in opposites. Because it is the only way to lead to that place where you see it not for the opposites. The opposites are easy, they're not infallible...but they are good indicators...they point in the right directions. But they were not for me...and I see...the Masters they speak to everyone and that speech to everyone is construed by the uninitiated as being contradictory...No. You don't teach a 4 year old and a 20 year old the same way. It's the level of spiritual knowledge that becomes an indicator of what comes next...I guess I am waiting for that next leap now.

The other thing I notice is that all around me I am surrounded by various levels of spiritualities...truths that I am wary of becoming. For I percieve an unspoken need to go beyond the obvious...not to envy and not to pretend to be that which I am not yet...and yet sometimes I catch myself almost betraying that pretention and I come to a standstill.

And I tell myself, 'No more whining...pretending to be weak. Pretending that it is beyond me, pretending that it will come to me when I know that Practise makes perfection...but some of the written word I mistrust. For this one word, my being rejects practise without express will.'

***

I saw the thousand petaled lotus last night.
Briefly...I was happy as happy could be until it crossed my mind to discuss this with the others...and immediately it was gone.

There is clearly a high level of egoist investment...which is only apparent when you lose that which is pure of it. And whence that happens, when i share, it is with intent however imperceptible...to awe, to gain admiration for my level of understanding, sometimes for corroboration. How petty my self is and it is most pitiable when it understands not its needs to be this way.

And I ask meself the question Why? Because I want to be held in admiration. Followed. It is a level of adulation for this body, this abject personality which is needed to feel 'good'. Why? Because I think I percieve greatness in myself and I need an acknowledgement, a realization of its truth. There would be no problem with that were it that this greatness was not exclusive to me. Mine and mine alone by birthright.

THIS is what Practise disseminates. Practise is not necessarily a particular hour everyday destroying your ego. It is by far every second of every day that this must be. This perception of different truths is what is the snatcher. And I must see beyond it to see That.

In its most essential form...it is the sublime desire to experience the "greatness" - the advaitic bliss in its ever-present form. To see it, to realize it, to understand it, to Be it. It becomes limited by my knowledge of Self being limited to this body. And the sense of greatness becomes tied to it. It becomes an extension of my ego...a deplorably sad version of it at that. A needful and pathetic one...but ever so sublime waiting to be discovered not its exclusivity but its inclusiveness. Hidden behind several layers of vasanas and acquired personality.

***

And then there was jealous intent in my personality...one I percieved as I stood outside of myself quizzically looking at meself behave this way...these things so crassly motivated. And I waited and I wondered.

Its lapse came and left and I was left with a sense of incomplete comprehension and I chased it.

What is it that I percieve I don't have that which others can supply?
And I think '!'.
If I have come any distance from my previous self it is lost in the quagmire of my ego.
I want to be all that is...but I remain concious of my containment within this BODY...I feel limited by it. I feel constrained by its traits, its attributes.

Thus the problem remains that I am concious yet only of the Body. And all its limitation thus follow when I think it is that which is ME - I AM my BODY. I am my MIND. And nought else. And thence it devolves.

It is not helpful that it is how I am identified in the world. By this superceding force, image. It is real, this body, as real as everything else that can, could and will be.

There is a need for it not to be a quixotic idea lest it become the lesser intrapolate of the Wider Truth. I don't want 'free love'...in its essence it is ideal, in its delusion it isn't. I want a complete understanding of trust. Of lack of jealousy. Why must it arise?

Does it point to a deficiency within me I can correct? And if not then what is it trying to tell me?

It is obviously easy to discount another persons needs too in light of what you want.

In its aftermath the relationship teaches you something yet.

Jealousy teaches me for instance the dependence I have for seeking approval of this body and mind. For its acceptance is what jealousy is really tied to - it is intimately an expression of my ego. I seek to adjust that which is inherently the same based on obvious differences.

I think part of the reason for a relationship need might be to see how to constantly dissolve that ego. I am prone to suspicion and jealousy. Tis the way I have been. The need for it - in irony - is practise in relationship - not without understanding...but with constant understanding.

There is much more to this primal desire ofcourse.

There is another component, a more general and self-asserting one: If I let it be, a worldly companionship it devolves very quickly into worldly needs and a self-associated devolvement complex. A heap of issues that stem from the perception of differences between myself and another. Between seeing a better and seeing a lesser. Sensing attachment...wanting attachment and understanding little of its origins.

My ego bounds and expands to fit its model, it extrapolates and becomes that which is pride and jealousy. Envy and hate.

I have become increasingly aware of my pride...whereas originally it was there where it was unable to do much harm, it is now becoming ever prevalent in my speech, in my use of expletives, in my understanding of another point of view, in appreciation of anything that isn't of 'my' origin. I have become selfish and demeaning, without meaning to be. And yet it is clear that I have come to recognize and understand slowly that which is to be feared most and the words I recall are, "the way to treat a disease is to sit with it and keep it company".

And I have and now if it is prevalent I have finally started to understand it's effects and its boundaries, its diet more efficiently.

Just be and never underestimate the beauty of another and by appreciating all and ever shall only you reach over it.

Need only arises when there is a deficiency. Identify it, meet it. By completing yourself is the only way to cure yourself of any disease.

It is quite hilarious that my body reacts to the environment the way my mind reacts to situations. I am troubled by minor health problems, allergies, cold and such because similar ailments meet my mind - the disturbances of the mind are the same as the disturbances of the body, there in lies a cure.

What is great is that I barely acknowledge them, what sucks it that I barely acknowledge them...and they hang around. But I talk about them endlessly. ENDLESSLY. They are my gossip and news. I am little troubled by them, but they make the gist of my conversations.

***

It is sometimes beautiful to see by example all the things around me that try to entice me...recognize them as that which is easily committed to by stagnation or incomplete understanding. I see them and realize their fallacies before I commit myself to them...for the layers they unveil slowly and only upon asking.

Ponderous delight

Into Timeless Existence….

When I first opened my eyes,
There was no darkness, neither existed light.
Neither the planets that revolve,
Nor organisms to evolve.
I was everything, and everything a part of me.

Life spurred from my heart, and so did death,
Light was my opened eyes, darkness my heavy eyelids,
Action my energy, silence my penance.
Out of my lungs was air born,
And from my sweat drop the sea.

Slowly there were more of me, many more of me,
Thousands of myself were everywhere,
And within a blink, billions there were.
Galaxies procreated from me,
So did every blade of grass.

Flesh and blood, were born out of me,
And so were thought forms, virtues and vice.
Yet, identify I myself with the transient clothes I change.
Yet, I submit to lust, born out of myself;
Yet overpowered by anger, submersed in arrogance.

For lives together, my existence shrouded from myself.
Hidden beneath the flesh and bone,
I'm amused at my external foolishness.
Laughing away at my material pursuits,
When all matter itself was my creation

Laughing for someone, crying for another,
While there existed no other but myself.
Earth or ether, I was everywhere.
Matter or spirit, I was everything.

This timeless existence I desire to be.
Beyond the comprehension of senses, born out of me.
Where there is no duality; I am thy self.
Where life begins in the fullest sense…..

Tvamevaaham, Tvamevaaham,
Tvamevaaham!

The Rainbow

I read yesterday... "A marriage is not a consolation of differences, it's the combining of them to form ONE whole".

I understand that this may be true. I understand better that that may be why I want a relationship still.

It is to understand better what the Oneness can be with one person and then take it and expand it.

Thus, the need for a relationship exists.
I cannot deny it as paltry. It is not beneath me. Nothing is beneath or above me.

For FATE itself is the reason one may be able to see not two, but only ONE.
And if I can't even experience that ONEness within two people...how can I embrace it all as ONE.

No matter how different or how similar they are to myself...the oneness cannot be denied.
How can I be...without experiencing the Being.

Every experience is just as precious.

***

There was a weirdly eerie dream. About the married couple and the paintings.
I think it was Richa/Anu originally...I was definitely thinking about calling her...not so long ago...

Then it so happened that first she looked for me and then i looked for her and we found each other...and then we went to buy art supplies.

When we came back I was with another person...Anu/Shweta? And we were painting in her room...and her mom comes in to approve and tells to stay in there and not let her father see the art supplies.

We then hear screams and yells outside...I continue to paint...and Anu/Seema/Shweta starts flipping out...finally we put all the paintings together in a pile under the bed and walk out to see the couple fighting and they've turned into my aunt and uncle and my uncle is beating the crap out of my aunt. He has something sharp that he keeps attacking my aunt's neck with.

I am horrified.

I run down what appears to be my other aunt's stairs to my parents in the basement, who are sitting watching TV...and as I tell them what is happening upstairs they look worried...my Mom gets up but my Dad makes us stay down there and he calls 911.

I am not sure what to think. Obviously this talks to my disillusionment with marriage. My absolute horror of what it does to people who are together for the wrong reasons...they either end up hurting each other so much or they are so indifferent it seems to not matter at all. I don't know how exactly to deal with it...I accept it now. This is one of the problems I feel I have found with relationships.

The reasons for relationships are lost in the myriad of activity...it becomes that which must be because we feel a primal need for it but little justification, in its conventional form, of what it is for really. What need it satisfies...what it signifies...what is required of one.

The other is the tying up of my freedom...the need to BE one within myself. And outside of myself...but unrestricted by norms and stations in society.

Thus I deny it, defy it. I believe in something bigger than that which is handed to us. Marriage is a sham if it is only purported for the reasons that are limited by progeny, or subversion.

***

It was something of a conversation I had with someone that made me probe deeper.

The differences become more meaningful once the oneness of something is realized.
Attachment comes with caring?

Caring can be beyond attachment...once you care for someone...the someone is no longer a separate entity...realizing the truth that is subtle but eternal is what detachment is about...it pertains to this ethereal body and its environment...once you see the reason to BE...the reason to love and care are separate from the percieved bodily difference...because you care for yourself all the time. You care for a SELF bigger than your BODY. You nurture a truth, a love far greater than any tawdry replication of it or apparent antithesis of it.

Thus in the eternal unity the differences are meaningless as much as they are meaningful.

***

Is it possible that this disillusionment I feel is not only the lesson but also the way?
I was feeling agitated about something/one.

It occured to me that the disillusionment, the separation from happiness and peace that I experienced were self-created. I percieved a threat to my peace. And I wondered why it was that I had receded to the level of what I was before...insecure...unhappy and forever questioning.

And as I pondered this it came to me that perhaps what I was rejecting was a worldly relationship...one without a spiritual component...one without the meaning I obviously seek in it.
I was rejecting the stereotyped image of a relationship I had created!

I was rejecting the needy, obsessive and one-pointed relationship. I was rejecting it, because it is everything I percieve it to be, everything it HAS been for me. Everything I become when I am in one. And then the perception shattered.

And I realized two things simultaneously,

Perhaps a worldly relationship of the nature thus delineated does infact entail removal of the spiritual peace that one attains without it. For to indulge in attachments while percieving the differences in yourself and the other person, to indulge in purely sexual enterprise, to indulge in the artificial, the superficial, the basal needs means to discount that which is eternal and true and to forget the unity within duality. To reject to identify that in everything that happens in that relationship. That is indeed peace being stolen away from myself.

It is teaching me not only what I will lose by indulging in such things but also what little I have to gain by such a misunderstanding of a true relationship. What it is that I should seek: something that fulfills and challenges my fundamental spiritual needs.

So not only was this loss of peace and joy a way to have a worldly relationship but this was a lesson in what it required of me to want superficiality.

Thankfully I have the precedent in front of me regarding the level of harmony. I have a time of unparalled equanimity and joy in my past. Unmet and unchallenged by another. Every experience enhanced manifold by this one understanding. Experiences occluded by distraction and aggravation. It remains, Forever the reminder of what I must attend to, what it is that I seek to Be in my life.

When oneness is adeterministic, how does a person apply predetermed ideas to people? It is without the need for complementarity, the percieved attractions. I was looking for something that based on my perception...was either true or not what I wanted.

And I realize now that the 'want' signifies a desire with no understanding for its origins once again. I realized my obsessions usually concluded unproductively because it was an indication that I had become too attached, too devoted to the idea, too willing to give myself up to the idea of a One, without realizing that sacrifice of myself wasn't really a sacrifice it was a way to satiate a desire to be with another. Not to be ONE with another...but to be with another. At its core it is possibly motivated by the Unity I seek, but at its least subtle layer it is that which is imperceptible from desirous living.

I wanted a harmonious partner, who I percieved was the culmination of the ideal set of characteristics that I thought melded well into a perfect One. What I understood was this set of ideals and guidelines can be thrown down the poop shute. What I don't understand is this quasi-sexual list of attributes I am seeking. It is perhaps an indication of my false attraction, my distorted motives...and they may shatter, but I still hold them to myself. They are to me, as of now, an extention of a subtle understanding with the people I am deemed to meet. The list of cues, I can identify them with. It is a farce waiting to be unvieled.

I called it.

It is so frequent that I get ahead of myself...

No wonder I have been moved by the corniest stories of tragedy struck woe-begone lovers.

So after this whole conversation in my head - an epiphany, if you will, occured. I go A-Ha! perhaps this is it! But how do I know it is truely both a lesson and a way? What is the way to verify? And as I walk into the building I look up...and there it is...smiling across the sky...a Rainbow!

It was one of those very odd shaped rainbows...didn't have an end on the ground, nosiree.
It was stretched out end-to-end in the sky. Its ends melting into clouds...the rarest most beautous occurence. And I took it to be the sign that I was being affirmed in my thoughts.
And I passed the day with great peace and happiness.

***

It's only abstract if the question is not relevantly asked.

Thusly Spirals work....

There have been some tough questions that have come my way...

"How can you be faithful when you don't know why it's necessary?"

And this runs so deeply into my psyche...I cannot even begin to peel back.
Ever since such a time as when i experienced the first pangs of faithlessness...I cannot explain it away as a sense of betrayal, so what of others' emotions...why must I respect that which only distracts? BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH and TRUTH MUST ALWAYS BE DEALT WITH IN TERMS OF TRUTH. But how do I determine what the truth is? Is it that which appeals to my greater judgement? To my moral concience? To that which I have recently acquired? Why does the sense of guilt exist? Is it to make us aware of that which we know to be Neti? Because committing an act of deception is against the very nature of us. It is telling us in the act...it is not being the truth it shalt be. Though it be also an expression of it.

The purest of the pure...thou shall be...that from which it all ebbs and flows. From which it begins and ends, endlessly.

"Must we give up something to love someone?"

What is it that we give up? Is it a requisite?

Do we give up the right to understand the SELF better? Do we give into the temporary allaying of fears? Do we envelope and proceed? Do we teach ourselves a newer truth so that our temporary lives can be filled with the love and devotion of those of our many many many other forms? Does it perpetuate the idea of differences? Does it promote the idea of One? What is it that we give up? Better still...what is it that we UNDERSTAND from relationships? Can it be experienced by itself? Is one life...nay half a life enough to understand these things? These burdens that we carry? These loads that we bear as negative and whites? As positives and darkness? As education and secularity? As nature and environment? As Science and God?
Do we perpetuate the duality by giving it birth, giving it acknowledgement. If I refuse to understand the difference between light and dark...am I labelled crazy? Eccentric? Scary, Daft, Blind? Or am I being Led? Or am I looking for meaning in my life in other intangibilities? Am I in denial? Am i asking the questions so that they are asked? They must be asked...they must be addressed.

And the answer: No...the meaning of life is never in the intangibles. I am not looking hard enough for its tangibilities. I am convinced that whatever it is that I seek is going to make itself obvious later. Later Later Later...oh dear...I am the White Rabbit...forever Late and always in a hurry.

It is tangible NOW. In the HERE. LOOK S***** LOOK! JUST SEE IT! And it will be there! KNOW IT AND IT HAS TO BE! If there was a better way to know it...it is this, THIS. THIS THIS THIS THIS IS NOW.

I am afraid of the power of thought...I am afraid that as I think...so it becomes. As I think that I am experiencing light and nothing else...it is just my imaginings. Nought else. How do I tell the difference? Am I lying to myself? Is it lying to me?

***

Refute them! I say....show me the truth....doesn't everyone deserve to know it? Are only some ready?...Let me see! LET ME SEE! Don't let me be there where I was before...challenged...unable to meet it like so many little children with their hands raised to the sky for comfort.

Let me know what it is that needs to be said to allay fears. To drive away anxiety in myself...to show fear and lies to myself - so that I may keep them company until such a time as they walk away...healed of me.

Are you real? Are you ephemeral? Why the mire? Why the chalk? Why? Must I understand the reasons these questions come up regularly?

Why are they asked of me? And why are my answers so unsatisfactory sounding? Even to myself, they reek of baselessness.

I am yet to understand that part of my understanding.

The spiritual understanding...that which weilds a powerful blow. That which I seek with Thou...and thou in thine great form, thou maketh modest of controversy, in my heart there still exists a need to understand that which I thought I understood. I knew to be instinctively true...i do not know why I know it truely to be.

Is it disgruntled employment? Is it wave-turning...those who are weak in their understanding of this are easily moved to inaction? Again? To reverse that which they saw was fit before...to lose themselves in calamitious, precipitious events that modify the mind and change the flow of that which is true?

How easy it is to prey on the needful mind. How very complicit in their understanding must people be, to believe one truth vs another as lies and truths variously.

Why do I test it so often? Recklessly, needlessly. Nay, needfully.

They must be dispeled. These beliefs. These ideas. These things that are modifications of that which is True. Why are they there? Is there the need to trust implicitly or in approval of my analytical self? My logical being? My thinking mind or my deeper conciousness.

I believe what I experience. And I have experienced the transformative power of S----'s blessings. Of knowing the peace with Him. Of the peace There. Of the Quiet and Laughter that is of pure emotion only.

Why am I here? Questioning, again. Am I displeased still? Have I not tasted enough off the hand that gives nought unknowingly?

Or am I learning the art of being a true disciple...it which does and does not talk. That which is grateful for its greatest gifts in silence. And that which learns of the loudness of inequity which is the burden of the unconcious seeker.

In silence must the profound be laid...for in the blustering cacophony the fools find themselves aloft. Missing that which is subtle...tasting only the foul...for they seek only the foul, in this life they want only the antithesis...only so when they taste the beauty of Sublime they may recognize it with blaring clarity.

Am I finally understanding the truth as it must be...in silence? Not in arguments? Not in opinions. Only in Peace. In the Silence that follows the Om.

Those who are loud are insufficient in their love of life. In their love of themselves. They become that which becomes the antithesis of what they seek. And yet it is that only which they may be.

***

And I crave ever so often for more and more and more, ever and anon the Peace within me now.

There is great disharmony around me, the incompleteness of people makes itself apparent. That there can't ever be two that satisfy each other thus completely. I am clear on it a little bit more.

When one begins to guess at that which one is experiencing...by knowing the problems that stand in the way ahead and then dumbing down the self...until the percieved problems are no longer visible from a shortened perspective.

It is also called variously desire, denial, imperfection.

***

Am I honest? Am I trustworthy?

I must say...I am not. Either one. Here I am...my head swelled up with grandiose ideas of Being...but I can't even be the Truth as completely as I should be. I am not either...not even close. It is morbid, the idea that I am this...but so it is...and by being brutally honest with myself...I am here. Hearing myself talk to myself. Hearing myself be afraid of all the things that seemed so yesterday to me. Hearing myself be that person that only begets pity from herself.
Hearing the same questions, the same deliberations, the same inequities.

Have I even learned? Or have I gloated it away?

***

I woke up today...terrified.
As i awoke...came a voice at me..."It is a far-fetched idea to begin with".
This was me as I thought of the Is in my dream. Of being it. Attaining it.

What galvanizing force is this?
I have seldom been this afraid of anything.
I cannot tell you when the last time was that I actually was this afraid. It is constant fear, this fear of being alone, it haunts me yet again. This fear of being in the threat of losing the only sense of peace I have had in years. Ever.

It is the fear of losing that which came so easily and will leave just as easily, if I don't understand what it is that drives me like a mad woman to other extremes.

It may just be my conciousnesses way of reminding me to stay put with my ideals...but I cannot understand how that will last for long...how shall my ideals save me if I don't acknowledge them? How shall I progress if there is nothing that can point me towards the ideals? To the emptiness they used to be?

Personalities are toxic, intoxicatingly overcoming sometimes. It is sad how completely overwhelmed one is by the ideas of another. By the love of another. By the need of another. Not the need for but the need of.

I am scared...thus, I am scared only because it is but my will to be scared of this...to remind myself...that I am only here because I wanted to experience this and if I want more of the sense of peace I look for, it is only in the shedding of false ideals that one will find it. It is only an arm's length away...though I look for it in books and shelves and love and poetry...it lies hidden inside me forever ready to pull me back!

***

Peace thou art me! Peace with evert shall they want it. Peace when i discover you, you are me. Me! I am but purely Joy! Pure beatific Bliss! You have been meself and you shall ever anon be meself. What is it that I search in thou that I canst find within any ought but me.

***

B--- - I love thee...thou are my guiding light. It is when with the flair of a toddler I flounder, thee come to me with arms wide open. The Divine that Thou Be'th.

"You are seeking Joy and Peace in far-off places.
But the spring of joy is in your heart.
The haven of peace is in yourself."

I am at peace now.

***

I have turned into the intellectual I was shieing away from..."Why must one be pure to understand the sublime?"

Why? Why is there the need to purify until there be nought else?

Is it the Alchemists' way?

It is the shedding of all that is NOT your PUREST nature...and thus by doing just that you becomest YOUR purest NATURE. Your truest peace.

Your loveliest Love. Your beautous Voice. Your one true Vibration. The Vibration that begets the Vibration to which i belong and shall belong for as long as it has known me.

***

I am only one, but I am in all. I am only now, but I am forever.

In specialibus generalia quaerimus

Of recent I have found that I am at odds and crosses with people I know...It is not all harmony and acceptance. It is the pitting of thought against thought. And I voiced this concern to myself and slowly it evaporated as the unimportance of the clauses that bind the thoughts became apparent...as my will to let live triumphed over the will to be "right".

For we are all "right", we're just as we were meant to be. For Creative desire is perfection itself. And thus cometh from it Perfection in multiplicity. And purely Beatific they seem.

***

"I feel fake, I feel faker and faker."
Said the lonesome snake to the canny Baker.

The wise old man said back to him,
"Thou art what thou art and shall be for anon, so be it and know it well for it shall end soon and another shall you become.",
The snake hissed drearily, "What is it that I can be and feel other than a snake, it is all I have known and it is all that makes me so weary, so very numb, so very fake."

The Baker consoled Snake so very quietly, but the snake, ever so woe-begotten, forgot to control his forked tongue so mitely,

"I rarely spit and I rarely hiss and people weave strange tales of fear around an apple and my head, you mock me so dear Baker, for know thee not the sorrow of being Sly Snake, Wily Serpent."

"I mock thee only as I mock meself. For the fruits of people be but other truths like yourself, they Be who they Are, know it now, know it well to be a snake of fortitude and of proud-make, thou dost thouself disservice by such repent."

"i know not what thee speaketh of...for thou speaketh in winding riddles. How shall I know anything but Snake and this poisoned lie of a confounded life."

"Shun not thee this precious life, it knows no lie, only truth has it been, only with joy has it been rife. "

The Baker smiled a knowing smile and curiously waved his hand and granted such ignis fatuus,
and before the snake knew it his desire was given wings by the hands that granted fortunes to fortituous,

The snake was no longer a snake, he was the Baker, the world, the trees, even the baked goods,
the tarts, the rivers, the pies, leaves, the fishes, the stars, the igneous rocks and all the pastry foods,
He was the moons and the window and the air between them,
He was the outside, the inside and the ne'er ending intrigue between them,

He was it all, no longer a snake and yet and yet...he was unconvinced of his disright to be fake.
For he experienced the joy of different bodies and minds, but it was not that which would his thirst slake.

For he knew not the nature of vastness...unfathomable it seemed.
For he knew only what he had known his whole life and for the New Old he was not yet deemed.

Thus he returned to his still body...shocked yet sensible.
"What was it that I felt dear man, for it felt real and yet impossible!"

The Baker only smiled a knowing smile and said,
"Know what thou art by what thou aren't and slowly you shall come to know everything is real as yourself! IT is all that it isn't and all that it Is!"
That sent the snake hissing and packing for he considered the old man a cracking great wizard gone warily amiss.

His words immeasureable, the Baker baked his goods, until the goods became the Baker.
And forever was his fate to be all that Is and became thus the fate of the Maker.

SS

***

I am starting to despise myself.
How can I despise myself? How can there be 2 I's?
How indeed? How can there be 2 me's? How can there be one that despises the other?
Thus, One must not be the real Self...
Thus, it was that a powerful thought revealed itself a couple o' days ago...'Watch thine thoughts.'
For as thou watch them thou become aware of another conciousness that enables the thought watching. And it this that your Self is. In the reality that is not this present.

***

I notice that I strut. I have been meaning to bring myself down a peg or two... and whenever that happens involuntarily...I am beside myself with uncommon bliss...

But I try to argue points, as if that would help...and yet I argue.
And I wonder why is it that I think I can show people that which can't be shown.
I can barely see it myself...why do I think I can change anyone?
Why this imperceptible urge to show, show and always show.
Argue and argue until the end of reason.

It is because in the world around me I see the impact of people and their thoughts.
I see the ruin and rise of societies. The rise and fall of religions...I am trying to find that which will suffer my impact and be changed by it.

Wouldst there was a need for such impact...and why I think like that sometimes, is beyond me.

***

2 nights ago... I was at a discussion on the meaning of Service. And people used it so many times...it started to feel like an alien, isolated word until such a time as I had an epiphany. And thence I thought about what it was that made Service so inalienable from the Complete understanding of Brahman...And the answers tumbled at me...A hand holding a glass of water...a thirsty mouth...the hand refusing service to the same mouth...general ill-will...deteriotation of not just the hand but also the whole body.

Aren't we all of the same body...the very very very same body...some of us are able to do something for the other parts...it's not a rendering of service in the truest sense. It is not self-help...it is Self living its fullest.

It's what comes naturally.

A healthy body leads to Perfection, into Brahman.
Much as if this metaphor were not just a metaphor but also a way for B--- to slap some health sense back into my head...me of the lazy and lethargic circumstance.

***

I am afraid of complete surrender? Why am I so completely afraid of it and why am I also so completely afraid of the ingratiation of the world.

I am afraid of being part of the worldly relationship. I am afraid of being hurt...why is that?
What will the hurt do to me? Will it make realize that which I already know?
That the other half of me is me?

Why does rejection have to be the way?

Why is it that I am so prone to living my life recklessly with candor and fun when I let loose?
Is it because I feel it is the only way for me to overwhelm my obsessive personality?
The personality which latches on and wants it all?

So far the most complete form of satisfaction has come from the pursuance of that which is within me...of everything else comes the reek of rejection, dejection and failure...in eventual circumstance.

I see the same thought patterns re-appearing... the ones that recognize the insecurities within me...that which make me so uncomfortable...so without recourse...so with eyes turned elsewhere, I pretend that even though I am not worth the thoughts and love of another I am uncaring of such emotions.

The fear of things not living up to expectations.
The fear that the deficiencies in this personality will be percieved and all of it will be rejected and denied its rightful lust!
The feeling that this personality will develop deficiencies it is not yet aware of.
The feeling that the defects it discovers will hinder its feeble progress and protest against that which is seen.
Fear that is omnipresent that the desires will embroil me that which is not me and mine.
That will take over and I shall spiral out of control.

It is silly this fear for I forget free will. I forget destiny. I forget them both and their complicit understanding of this human's life. For if the spiral is meant to be, thus it shall be!
Unless I learn what the spiral shall mean, unless I understand its flow, its ebb and all in between, it shall remain and whence I know it for its purpose it shall become the truth it was always!

Thou shalt remain a fool, for thou forgets that which thoust learnt to so hardly!

***

Patterns overrun.
Patterns overcome.
Patterns that return,
Patterns that rerun,
Patterns, patterns everywhere,
Patterns, patterns in my hair.

I recognize the patterns where I percieve the social superiority of others and how it bothers.
I see the denial of emotions because they cause pain, I see the denial of life because I am part of it but yet separate from it, patterns.
I am observer, liver, lived, living, dead, dying, gone and yet here.

Patterns, plaid and argyle.
Patterns, Patterns everywhere.

***

I understand why I always have dreams and actions in my life that depict the rise and fall of emotion as life and death...and I am left feeling like I lost something I had before.

And epiphany whence not followed by what its discovery meant...its practise is not implied or has no beneficial impact...is useless - it leads to old thoughts, old habits which function without the understanding until such a time as they are understood more fully.

Once thoughts are recognized...it is important to pay attention to them. To continually pay attention. Continually learn from them. Thoughts, love, life, emotions, are all that river thou searcheth.

***

I am here now, to experience that which I have known to be life to its very fullest and realize maybe that it still won't be enough...perhaps I am getting ahead of myself...but thus must be what the rest of my life before I discover that which I am tending towards. Every obsessive desire that has been fulfilled hasn't been relived since...for I discovered its magic and its magic was from a magical elsewhere, a magical elsewhere I discovered a little hesitatingly within me.

***

The Salvation of now and the future must combine. There is not Liberation coming after years, after such and so experience...it is here and now. Live it and learn it. Be it thence. Nothing in the future is impossible here, in the Now.

Then, why is it that I feel I must experience summat else now?

Why is it that the impetus which is overwheming and will conquer and carry me in that direction is absent or partial now? Shall not the time be right later than now? Shall not all desires whence washed away become the incentive for it ALL? Shall not all desires whence experienced to their completeness be washed away onto the shore that everyone wants to know so dearly but few ever really have the motivation for its ever-fulfilling sandy warmth?

***

Knowing that speaking will not get me where not-speaking usually would.
I need patience and understanding.
Love and silence.
Comfortable quietude...and harmonious growth.

Or nothing at all...since i have that all when I am by myself.