Freedom and its expression - Love. If ever there was a muse...this is it.
If ever there was any difference between them...it is no longer apparent.
Everything is an expression of Truth. Everything a person does, believes is an expression of Truth.
***
Physics doth speaketh wisely: If chaos is perceptible and ONLY it perceptible, then yes, there is chaos...BUT always there is order around it.
***
This tightness in my soul I feel it pour over me.
Take it with me whereever I wander.
I am afraid.
For fear, some tell, has been the birth of me,
I am loathe to believe it...for fear is only that which fills the chasm that gave birth to it.
I am to find that which gave to the Chasm the gift of being.
It is in the unknown, I find refuge.
And yet It is that which is not beholden, which causes me discomfit.
Ephemeral it be and be described as.
Twisting out of my hand, off the cross, the idol, en masse.
But how shall it be were I to percieve such things as I imagine are my discomfort...perchance, per visio, it would not be the same. Nay, ne'er the same, without that which I need to know before them.
And yet I shake and I am nervous.
It is plain and it is artificial.
It belies itself in a poor shadow of voice and happiness.
I am weighed down by it curmudegeonly weildy.
The world though resplendent and forever true, blinds me with its truths...
It is the cure for the fakeness I want of,
the laugh that is too loud,
the smile that is too wide,
the opinion that is too emphatically stated,
the judgements that arise thusly,
how do I make myself Everyone?
How do I dissolve that which only the world retaliates with?
How do I dissolve that which the mind is wrapped around and wrests from everything?
How shall I see anything but that which separates me from the Self?
How do I rid meself of meself's wispy waif?
Of the shadows that play in the fog of the universe claiming right to exist with clamor...
Claiming individuals, Clamoring individuals, Prosthetic individuals.
How must I grow so the ends meet like an unknown epiphany?
Like the rare Super-Harmony.
I wander, with wanderlust...the pain, the anger, the meaningless rain cloud above me.
And I know not wherefrom the angst rides to my hearth,
And yet it is this despondency whence that wealth that is the Song Celestial was begotten...perhaps it is my turn and I, though I am not as worthy as Parthsarthi, am as deserving as him!
So it shall be that which I cannot deny shall come to pass.
Because Time the great deciever and illusionist...has powers that reveal.
And with silence I shall keep my secret alive, until it meets its Maker and be profound with That.
In Its muse is forever my light suffused.
For it my being swells and fills.
Desires it abounds in...forgetting the passions of the mind are those that tie-me-up and tie-me-down.
Forgetting it is that which brokers my freedom, which is raring to be known.
Roaring to be found!
I flee from the transcendent, trying to know the transcendent, beyond which lies that which cannot be described by thought nor feelings...ne'er fluffy words.
Beyond which even the Soul fails to capture meaning, beyond which lie the cageless Birds - only being, only thus they BE.
***
Have no fear...what do you have apprehension for? It is all for your benefit...all of it! So enjoy it! Realize it! Play it! Become it! Know it in everything! Know it in every word that is dealt, know it in every peaceful moment that is meant. Know it in chaos and love alike, as you shall know it in sadness and harmony. Know that it has become the cornerstone for deeper and deeper knoweledge, that which you give the name of fear is really curiosity at its height. That which you sense as apprehension is really the Adventure about to begin! And Thus Know the Fear...for it is the harbringer of mighty fields of joy!
***
'The best way to get rid of disease is to keep it company.' - CHU FEN DO
For only in this benign thought shall you find the deepest sense...
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Ik Onkar
There was something I read today that moved me,
If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Moving be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo.
The usefulness of a cup lies in its emptiness.
The way to transcend karma lies in the proper use of the mind and the will. The oneness of all life is a truth that can be fully realized only when the false notions of a separate self, whose destiny can be considered apart from the whole, are forever annihilated.
There is something quintessential in the way that people reach the same answers. Different ways find their culmination in The Same Ideas.
There is no difference in the way that anyone thinks essentially. Only some of us have finally discovered what it is that we all left to experience... and best of all time is of no essence.
***
Vasanas are nothing but past experiences in the collective subconcious that we percieve is separated from other subconcious'. Once the idea of separation is dissolved, VASANAS are part of everything that CAN be experienced! It is the experience of experiences!
***
The only thing that moves everyone is Love...that can only be if that were our essential nature.
***
I concentrated today and it started to come to me...as a Vishwarupa vision.
The Brahman is the 'Source and the End' of all of this and Brahman extends thus to experience itself...From it Srusti extends thus to experience itself in myriad ways. The Is becomes the Srusti, the Maya, the Moha. All of it is ALWAYS all of it. It is never at variance. It is never different. It is all experience. No experience is bigger or more different than others. Everything is experienced all at once...and then comes the desire for 'it' (us) to become that which it was before. Before the other types of experiencing began. Before there was experience.
One may call it another experience...perhaps...but it is the basis for all other experiences. Thus, by that it supersedes all experiences!
Oh joi! I have found a minuscle part of thee! Reveal thyself to me constantly! It is all that I crave...in the core of my being.
To know thee in every thing I percieve...every thought, every action and every deed...every sentient and insentient being! For there is no difference...it is but Me experiencing MYSELF!
I love Thee, for how can I not love Myself! In Thy holy creation I have given myself the oppurtunity to become Me with greater understanding, with yearning and with nothing but an experience of Me!
If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Moving be like water. Still, be like a mirror. Respond like an echo.
The usefulness of a cup lies in its emptiness.
The way to transcend karma lies in the proper use of the mind and the will. The oneness of all life is a truth that can be fully realized only when the false notions of a separate self, whose destiny can be considered apart from the whole, are forever annihilated.
There is something quintessential in the way that people reach the same answers. Different ways find their culmination in The Same Ideas.
There is no difference in the way that anyone thinks essentially. Only some of us have finally discovered what it is that we all left to experience... and best of all time is of no essence.
***
Vasanas are nothing but past experiences in the collective subconcious that we percieve is separated from other subconcious'. Once the idea of separation is dissolved, VASANAS are part of everything that CAN be experienced! It is the experience of experiences!
***
The only thing that moves everyone is Love...that can only be if that were our essential nature.
***
I concentrated today and it started to come to me...as a Vishwarupa vision.
The Brahman is the 'Source and the End' of all of this and Brahman extends thus to experience itself...From it Srusti extends thus to experience itself in myriad ways. The Is becomes the Srusti, the Maya, the Moha. All of it is ALWAYS all of it. It is never at variance. It is never different. It is all experience. No experience is bigger or more different than others. Everything is experienced all at once...and then comes the desire for 'it' (us) to become that which it was before. Before the other types of experiencing began. Before there was experience.
One may call it another experience...perhaps...but it is the basis for all other experiences. Thus, by that it supersedes all experiences!
Oh joi! I have found a minuscle part of thee! Reveal thyself to me constantly! It is all that I crave...in the core of my being.
To know thee in every thing I percieve...every thought, every action and every deed...every sentient and insentient being! For there is no difference...it is but Me experiencing MYSELF!
I love Thee, for how can I not love Myself! In Thy holy creation I have given myself the oppurtunity to become Me with greater understanding, with yearning and with nothing but an experience of Me!
Monday, September 25, 2006
Sathya
Know this: No lesser understanding of the matter can change the life of a person than that used to divine it!
***
It is as if the effect of the trip is forever embalmed in my heart as a token of what relationships can do to me. It was, in ways, toxic to my peace, just as it was that this toxin taught me the meaning of a wider truth!!!!
They have made me question the very depth of my knowledge and now I am riding out the extent of the questions they asked. If I survive this...then thus be it. If not? Well I spoz it was meant to be what it is meant to be.
Last night as I lay me down to sleep...and as I pondered the meaning of my unrest - I remembered it.
I had repressed it. It was the memory of my Mom telling me about S----- B---, and the question she asked that was answered a certain way. Now this question concerned me and my future.
So, when I remember hearing it I remember my being extremely agitated by it.
Ofcourse at the moment I came up with alternate answers that fit the situation - but it was more or less...me trying to avoid the circumstance of such n such happening.
So anyway here I was blocking this memory...and I chanced upon it last night. And AGAIN it disturbed me endlessly.
And the words came unhindered, out of my mouth...
"Well if it is NOT my will then it won't...", and I caught myself midsentence.
"My" will? How is "My" will separate from "His" will? How are any wills separated from each other???
And immediately the occult duality in this perception became clear...it became clear why the idea of duality was particularly irksome these past few weeks...because I have been trying to avoid a situation that I think has been caused by a God who is separate from me. My will has always been His will just as His will has been My will.
Lest I forget that!
So if there was meaning to that event...then the meaning was brought to me by myself...nothing higher exists as does nothing lower. The meaning of the event as it was divined may exist in its manifoldness...it is but for me to wait and see.
I have percieved one more truth and it was dealt hard. For a measure of time I thought I had forgotten the meaning of truth...the meaning of peace! AND IT had vanished for it was to be my falling that taught me the truer meaning of Satashya Sathyam!
I asked to learn this!!!! It was taught to me!!! Oh I love Thee! Thee are merciful as thee are bountiful!
***
I have been for a while vehemently denying the idea of a relationship. And the key word becomes denial. Whence in denial one is unable to reconcile the idea before oneself - though it be true or it be false. And thus it has happened to me. I have been so much in denial I have refused to understand what it is that stands so daringly in front of me. The value system I so cherish that I am afraid of letting go, is becoz I praise my own conformities to it. Never for a moment did it strike me the end result could actually be the same. For since the seed of desire has been sown...I am not happy with it. The desire I spozed was a culmination of all the antithetic ideas I thought were part of it.
But I forget to understand the seed of desire itself. The reasons for its being sown, sprouting and its growth...I forget that I have years on my life that I am yet to live and what was I planning to do with them? Where else would the lessons pour from?
I had begun to think myself Above it!!! And thus it has smote me down...my fate deals in gleeful ego-smashing!!! Today Prettyica made that much clear! Oh dearest, by showing me my hidden arrogance...you have done me such great service! I am FOREVER indebted to you!
By denying the possibilty of desire I had decided that it was a lesson not for my learning. It was a 'lesser' lesson!!! I was 'above' it! I already knew it! I already knew the extent it could take me! Goodness!
Relationships and all that ensues in them...I already knew not to be the truth! And by this very desicion...by acknowledging something to be untrue...by dismissing it...I learnt that I am forever the fool.
It was just as Siddhartha had regarded the life of the normal person. Dismissive and amusing. Mockingly, arrogantly he had observed their lives. Until he understood finally that lives do not leave the truth to pursue an illusion. The illusion is ALSO THE TRUTH.
For we move from truth to truth. Until such a time as it can all be only that - TRUTH! No LIES. Dear Vivekananda I hear you clearly in my head, finally it has settled...the words I read that night...that I was unable to fathom the depth of, the relevance of in my life...I see them now. Plain as light. They brought tears to my eyes and I knew not why exactly until I was shamed by my very plain sight today. Oh the beauty, oh the overflowing love!
No lies exist! Only truths. ONLY TRUTH!
Such for me. For my subtle ego has caught up and set up shop here too. I had become what i had hoped not to. By its exclusion I had decided I already knew...not knowing for sure if that were true! By thinking that the unbidden rule that 'the more advanced learnt the harder lessons' - was true, I denied myself the understanding that there is no 'advanced' lesson. No harder tasks...no easier jobs! No upper and no LOWER!!! That all lessons stand together! That no matter what it is that we learn...we learn from it equally. We are equal beings. Equal in understanding and knowledge. Equal in all measure including our quests!
Oi - for I have been BLIND! Disparity it hounds me until I not flee from it but dispel it accordingly. It meets me on the road, as a desirous mate. A fleeting guilt. A momentary passion. A long-lived repressed intimation! A word. A thought. A glance.
I must know all the truths...for that is THE TRUTH!
***
Thus it is that I spoz if I were faced with a situation where I could be intimate with a person I had grown to love...would I deny myself that? Were it such that I was overwhelmed by its beauty...by its wonderous Awe? No NO NO! I would never deny myself the pleasure of true company! The pleasure of lessons learnt with the person unnamed that were not just summative! Were it a commited relationship that was desired...I would absolutely commit to it.
***
In a way the reason i rebelled against it was because for my parents there doesn't seem to be another way. They are fairly spiritual...and for them the culmination of spirituality is not abstract from this world. Truly it is poetic this understanding of God. But the vision limits itself were it that you were also not open to the idea that the way it culminates can be different from theirs. This made me feel immensely underpressure and guilty.
In a way, it bothered me when my father kept saying...you will end up with the same understanding that I had of these events and realize that life doesn't stop and one must do the necessary. What you are discovering is nothing new or novel...it has always been there...but it shouldn't rule your life like this! But Dad! Life NEVER STOPS! I know this NOW! And if letting something rule my life is an option I have already decided upon then no will but mine can change that and that change is also part of my fate! Nothing is necessary...just as EVERYTHING is. There is no thwarting the rules of society. There is only knowing that the rules of society are just as true as anything else. And they can be your truth...or there is another one for you.
***
We are only here to understand the choices we've already made.
***
I am unable to reason or believe. Which I believe is the other shortcoming I have discovered of myself. Not only that all the ideas I had were in my head...but that a lot of them were ideas I couldn't put into practise when beckoned to. I failed. At the moments they occured I was suitably detached, but it was a front. As soon as it fell away...the moments and their lessons caught up to me and I failed to recognize that I had failed to understand what they were asking of me. A broader perspective. A wider understanding. An unfailing disposition of peace that cannot be disturbed by whatever may come.
The lessons can be learnt without being bothered by them.
Jeisus! How shallow does thou understanding extend! For if it encompasses not all...then what be it that you search for...for your search only gets more subtle and twicely profound everystep. Until there be no differences in the Truth you see.
***
The unity of the paths. The essence/equality of all the lessons. There is no discrepancy. There are no exceptions. Within the realm of everything, the exceptions fall also.
***
It is as if the effect of the trip is forever embalmed in my heart as a token of what relationships can do to me. It was, in ways, toxic to my peace, just as it was that this toxin taught me the meaning of a wider truth!!!!
They have made me question the very depth of my knowledge and now I am riding out the extent of the questions they asked. If I survive this...then thus be it. If not? Well I spoz it was meant to be what it is meant to be.
Last night as I lay me down to sleep...and as I pondered the meaning of my unrest - I remembered it.
I had repressed it. It was the memory of my Mom telling me about S----- B---, and the question she asked that was answered a certain way. Now this question concerned me and my future.
So, when I remember hearing it I remember my being extremely agitated by it.
Ofcourse at the moment I came up with alternate answers that fit the situation - but it was more or less...me trying to avoid the circumstance of such n such happening.
So anyway here I was blocking this memory...and I chanced upon it last night. And AGAIN it disturbed me endlessly.
And the words came unhindered, out of my mouth...
"Well if it is NOT my will then it won't...", and I caught myself midsentence.
"My" will? How is "My" will separate from "His" will? How are any wills separated from each other???
And immediately the occult duality in this perception became clear...it became clear why the idea of duality was particularly irksome these past few weeks...because I have been trying to avoid a situation that I think has been caused by a God who is separate from me. My will has always been His will just as His will has been My will.
Lest I forget that!
So if there was meaning to that event...then the meaning was brought to me by myself...nothing higher exists as does nothing lower. The meaning of the event as it was divined may exist in its manifoldness...it is but for me to wait and see.
I have percieved one more truth and it was dealt hard. For a measure of time I thought I had forgotten the meaning of truth...the meaning of peace! AND IT had vanished for it was to be my falling that taught me the truer meaning of Satashya Sathyam!
I asked to learn this!!!! It was taught to me!!! Oh I love Thee! Thee are merciful as thee are bountiful!
***
I have been for a while vehemently denying the idea of a relationship. And the key word becomes denial. Whence in denial one is unable to reconcile the idea before oneself - though it be true or it be false. And thus it has happened to me. I have been so much in denial I have refused to understand what it is that stands so daringly in front of me. The value system I so cherish that I am afraid of letting go, is becoz I praise my own conformities to it. Never for a moment did it strike me the end result could actually be the same. For since the seed of desire has been sown...I am not happy with it. The desire I spozed was a culmination of all the antithetic ideas I thought were part of it.
But I forget to understand the seed of desire itself. The reasons for its being sown, sprouting and its growth...I forget that I have years on my life that I am yet to live and what was I planning to do with them? Where else would the lessons pour from?
I had begun to think myself Above it!!! And thus it has smote me down...my fate deals in gleeful ego-smashing!!! Today Prettyica made that much clear! Oh dearest, by showing me my hidden arrogance...you have done me such great service! I am FOREVER indebted to you!
By denying the possibilty of desire I had decided that it was a lesson not for my learning. It was a 'lesser' lesson!!! I was 'above' it! I already knew it! I already knew the extent it could take me! Goodness!
Relationships and all that ensues in them...I already knew not to be the truth! And by this very desicion...by acknowledging something to be untrue...by dismissing it...I learnt that I am forever the fool.
It was just as Siddhartha had regarded the life of the normal person. Dismissive and amusing. Mockingly, arrogantly he had observed their lives. Until he understood finally that lives do not leave the truth to pursue an illusion. The illusion is ALSO THE TRUTH.
For we move from truth to truth. Until such a time as it can all be only that - TRUTH! No LIES. Dear Vivekananda I hear you clearly in my head, finally it has settled...the words I read that night...that I was unable to fathom the depth of, the relevance of in my life...I see them now. Plain as light. They brought tears to my eyes and I knew not why exactly until I was shamed by my very plain sight today. Oh the beauty, oh the overflowing love!
No lies exist! Only truths. ONLY TRUTH!
Such for me. For my subtle ego has caught up and set up shop here too. I had become what i had hoped not to. By its exclusion I had decided I already knew...not knowing for sure if that were true! By thinking that the unbidden rule that 'the more advanced learnt the harder lessons' - was true, I denied myself the understanding that there is no 'advanced' lesson. No harder tasks...no easier jobs! No upper and no LOWER!!! That all lessons stand together! That no matter what it is that we learn...we learn from it equally. We are equal beings. Equal in understanding and knowledge. Equal in all measure including our quests!
Oi - for I have been BLIND! Disparity it hounds me until I not flee from it but dispel it accordingly. It meets me on the road, as a desirous mate. A fleeting guilt. A momentary passion. A long-lived repressed intimation! A word. A thought. A glance.
I must know all the truths...for that is THE TRUTH!
***
Thus it is that I spoz if I were faced with a situation where I could be intimate with a person I had grown to love...would I deny myself that? Were it such that I was overwhelmed by its beauty...by its wonderous Awe? No NO NO! I would never deny myself the pleasure of true company! The pleasure of lessons learnt with the person unnamed that were not just summative! Were it a commited relationship that was desired...I would absolutely commit to it.
***
In a way the reason i rebelled against it was because for my parents there doesn't seem to be another way. They are fairly spiritual...and for them the culmination of spirituality is not abstract from this world. Truly it is poetic this understanding of God. But the vision limits itself were it that you were also not open to the idea that the way it culminates can be different from theirs. This made me feel immensely underpressure and guilty.
In a way, it bothered me when my father kept saying...you will end up with the same understanding that I had of these events and realize that life doesn't stop and one must do the necessary. What you are discovering is nothing new or novel...it has always been there...but it shouldn't rule your life like this! But Dad! Life NEVER STOPS! I know this NOW! And if letting something rule my life is an option I have already decided upon then no will but mine can change that and that change is also part of my fate! Nothing is necessary...just as EVERYTHING is. There is no thwarting the rules of society. There is only knowing that the rules of society are just as true as anything else. And they can be your truth...or there is another one for you.
***
We are only here to understand the choices we've already made.
***
I am unable to reason or believe. Which I believe is the other shortcoming I have discovered of myself. Not only that all the ideas I had were in my head...but that a lot of them were ideas I couldn't put into practise when beckoned to. I failed. At the moments they occured I was suitably detached, but it was a front. As soon as it fell away...the moments and their lessons caught up to me and I failed to recognize that I had failed to understand what they were asking of me. A broader perspective. A wider understanding. An unfailing disposition of peace that cannot be disturbed by whatever may come.
The lessons can be learnt without being bothered by them.
Jeisus! How shallow does thou understanding extend! For if it encompasses not all...then what be it that you search for...for your search only gets more subtle and twicely profound everystep. Until there be no differences in the Truth you see.
***
The unity of the paths. The essence/equality of all the lessons. There is no discrepancy. There are no exceptions. Within the realm of everything, the exceptions fall also.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Revisits
If what the 'ignorance' belied was lack of understanding. And if intolerance was based in ignorance...then there it lay - the answer manifold in front of me.
I am yet lacking the understanding for knowing that what i percieve as needing enlightenment and education is necessary and complete in itself. If the change is meant to come...reasons will arise in and of themselves and they will find within them the room to hold every idea and ideology.
I am ignorant as well as any. If I have percieved ignorance...i am myself ignorant. For the perception that things may ever be based on ignorance is a perception based in this world. And since the perception may well be flawed...well there you have it.
Who am i to dispense advice...though people may seek it?
What may i say that is made useful? For is nought all useful as it is? Is useless not also useful?
Live life! OMG! I must write this somewhere...everywhere...when i become involved in understanding it - I forget to live it! understanding and living they come together!
***
For the will of one...becomes the power for many...should they seek with nought but the Powerful wills' mercy!
***
For today it was as if he spoke to me. And he spoke endearingly as if I needed to hear it again and again. And he laffed at me through the thousand voices in my head and outside and he said..."The ceiling of desires doesn't mean some things, but everything...Books(!), success, etc."
I heard - why read Books for the answers you already own! Books Books Books is the same as clothes clothes clothes, house house house and money money money. How he teaches! How he
laffs! How he knows even the subtlest talks you have with yourself.
He talked to me today...with his manifold ways and his manifold voices and faces...
The divinity within...It mustn't be percieved in people like self only, it is unrestricted and unbound. It is everpresent in the murderer as it is in the human rights worker. It is ever present in the philanthropist as it is in the drug addicts. The very essential core of them all is the very same...the ideal unity it is not apparent but never not true!
Oh, how I crave to know the very thing that becomes the centre and epitome of everything I want to learn...to see it all the same way. To experience Advaita...to experience it for very very long.
He said, "Speak only when it improves silence." And rightfully he spake thus to me...for I have been letting my tongue waggle endlessly. It brings (atleast to me) amusement, but it belies an insecurity which I must say isn't something I don't know HOW to begin to know or tackle. Rather it is this fear of discovering it...lest it be a hidden desire that prevents progress as I wisht it. I am starting to know what this desire is...and yes it may have been implanted...and I feel I am not yet ready for its fruition...atleast. I am unwilling of its truth. I want certain things the desire brings but not all. And most of all I don't see it happening, with the one I would care for it to become the truth of. And then there is the feeling that its truth will not be long-lived before it evolves into another higher one.
Practice Practice Practice. He messaged. Practise ONE thing! How FUNNY! HOW VERY FUNNY! Just as I had made up my mind to practice NON-Violence to the core...thought word and deed...He says - practice, practice JUST one. And as I even think about Non-violence in thought word and deed it becomes apparent that in their core the 5 values are the VERY same. For it is beginning to seem that you cannot TRULY practice one without the other ones naturally becoming a part of it. And so I shall test it and know if it is true...can I be non-violent in the purest sense...without being truthful? Would I not be hurting myself...however subtle the injury may be - if I lie? Non-violence cannot be restricted to the outside world...it must stretch everywhere.
Satya, Dharma, Shanti, Prema, Ahimsa. They are as distinct as they are inseparable.
I must remember to tell myself that being a spendthrift means not to respect money. I respect money but its powers don't sway my judgement...I have noticed of late that I am forever thinking about the fact that if I had money...my parents would be OK. And that is what I care about. If I want the money...I need it for my parents...for the sense of security it may provide them. At some point, I hope that my travels will be independent of the factor that is money.
***
Today I learnt that one can be a healer. So manifaced are you, the face of my desires.
***
Yay! My brand new Lava lamp works! I am such an 80s baby.
I am yet lacking the understanding for knowing that what i percieve as needing enlightenment and education is necessary and complete in itself. If the change is meant to come...reasons will arise in and of themselves and they will find within them the room to hold every idea and ideology.
I am ignorant as well as any. If I have percieved ignorance...i am myself ignorant. For the perception that things may ever be based on ignorance is a perception based in this world. And since the perception may well be flawed...well there you have it.
Who am i to dispense advice...though people may seek it?
What may i say that is made useful? For is nought all useful as it is? Is useless not also useful?
Live life! OMG! I must write this somewhere...everywhere...when i become involved in understanding it - I forget to live it! understanding and living they come together!
***
For the will of one...becomes the power for many...should they seek with nought but the Powerful wills' mercy!
***
For today it was as if he spoke to me. And he spoke endearingly as if I needed to hear it again and again. And he laffed at me through the thousand voices in my head and outside and he said..."The ceiling of desires doesn't mean some things, but everything...Books(!), success, etc."
I heard - why read Books for the answers you already own! Books Books Books is the same as clothes clothes clothes, house house house and money money money. How he teaches! How he
laffs! How he knows even the subtlest talks you have with yourself.
He talked to me today...with his manifold ways and his manifold voices and faces...
The divinity within...It mustn't be percieved in people like self only, it is unrestricted and unbound. It is everpresent in the murderer as it is in the human rights worker. It is ever present in the philanthropist as it is in the drug addicts. The very essential core of them all is the very same...the ideal unity it is not apparent but never not true!
Oh, how I crave to know the very thing that becomes the centre and epitome of everything I want to learn...to see it all the same way. To experience Advaita...to experience it for very very long.
He said, "Speak only when it improves silence." And rightfully he spake thus to me...for I have been letting my tongue waggle endlessly. It brings (atleast to me) amusement, but it belies an insecurity which I must say isn't something I don't know HOW to begin to know or tackle. Rather it is this fear of discovering it...lest it be a hidden desire that prevents progress as I wisht it. I am starting to know what this desire is...and yes it may have been implanted...and I feel I am not yet ready for its fruition...atleast. I am unwilling of its truth. I want certain things the desire brings but not all. And most of all I don't see it happening, with the one I would care for it to become the truth of. And then there is the feeling that its truth will not be long-lived before it evolves into another higher one.
Practice Practice Practice. He messaged. Practise ONE thing! How FUNNY! HOW VERY FUNNY! Just as I had made up my mind to practice NON-Violence to the core...thought word and deed...He says - practice, practice JUST one. And as I even think about Non-violence in thought word and deed it becomes apparent that in their core the 5 values are the VERY same. For it is beginning to seem that you cannot TRULY practice one without the other ones naturally becoming a part of it. And so I shall test it and know if it is true...can I be non-violent in the purest sense...without being truthful? Would I not be hurting myself...however subtle the injury may be - if I lie? Non-violence cannot be restricted to the outside world...it must stretch everywhere.
Satya, Dharma, Shanti, Prema, Ahimsa. They are as distinct as they are inseparable.
I must remember to tell myself that being a spendthrift means not to respect money. I respect money but its powers don't sway my judgement...I have noticed of late that I am forever thinking about the fact that if I had money...my parents would be OK. And that is what I care about. If I want the money...I need it for my parents...for the sense of security it may provide them. At some point, I hope that my travels will be independent of the factor that is money.
***
Today I learnt that one can be a healer. So manifaced are you, the face of my desires.
***
Yay! My brand new Lava lamp works! I am such an 80s baby.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Savitur
I feel the depth of my understanding has lost its focus since the trip.
I came back muddled and unsure of myself, with each passing day, however, I grow surer...I have my answer in the "resolve" that was put to my doorstep. But I can't stop assailing myself with whether I have fully understood that/it.
For one, since my return I find myself oddly affected by things that portray duality and the fact that people are ignorant of differences. Isn't that odd? How both these things are so Ironic...so fundamentally different. And yet the basis for intolerance is the knowledge that 'they' are different, but no idea what the differences are. No idea how they are the same. The basis for percieving a duality is the faith in the differences.
And thus it follows,
If I percieve ignorance, I am myself ignorant of something.
So I question why and I answer my questions.
I am affected by the portrayed differences people hold on to. I am affected by lack of understanding that the general populace holds dear to itself.
Thus, it must be that I believe something too. And this belief is contrary to other thoughts. As soon as I wrote the word 'contrary' it began to dawn upon me...the subtle transitions the mind makes...the effect of a loved ones words on the percieved unity or disparity of thoughts.
The mind - It yields to adapt. It is eager to adapt.
Since, the primary basis of any understanding of the world is knowing that in the contrary opposition of things lies the important lesson, I explored that. And I came to conclusion that one too many times I was beginning to believe again that i knew better.
I'd thought that what the 'ignorance' belied was lack of understanding. But it was not this that thwarted my patience...it was harboring the belief that there was substantial resistance to removing said ignorance and such resistance was nought but wrong. Forgetting that it was never wrong. That it may always have been fraught with fear and insecurity. The front of 'apparent superiority' belies a darker underbelly. A lack of true understanding made me my own greatest nemesis. And such balking mystified me for days! And now it presents itself in contrary words.
That substantial reasons must then be presented to remove said substantial prejudice...escaped my mind. If I aimed to change the world...be it that I am convinced it must be changed...then atleast I must know that the greatest conviction for the other person is exposition of direct exprience.
And such is the nature of ignorance as explained to me.
It is important to dispel it should the other party be ready to accept...but let it be not the reason you rally a cry that none but you must hear. Even in the strongest stubbornest ignorant mind, one can find the birth of forbearance for those who seek to cure it.
And be it not that as you try to enlighten, you try to change. For to spread the word is what you may be self-bound to do, but to accept and bind themselves to those words are another's initiative. One must ONLY lead the horse to water. To drink or not to drink is its perogative. And it is pointless to try otherwise.
***
I think the Philosophers Stone must be that thing which makes the essence of the essential finally obvious in all. And the thing I have been wanting to experience is that which is known as the Unity in the multiplicity. For that was Nature's Plan. The lack of substantiating differences. The lack of differences that cannot be but compared to a similarity.
So, I hate this music, you hate the other kind. But we both hate. I dislike your point of view as you dislike mine...we both dislike...for common reasons...though they appear different to the mind that doesn't bother to dig deep for their resonance.
And thus I come to that which has become the thing I am beginning to search for in every lesson on my path...the Common. The One. For Believing and Being are two different beasts. As long as I Believe without Being/Knowing I cannot know fully what it is that I Believe.
I am used to believing that there are no differences without knowing whether that is the real truth. I know that intrinsically there can be no differences that cannot be made similarities, and that even the odd choice of violence and chaos is there for a reason - harmonious in Nature.
And this reason is perfect, all of the time.
It isn't arching towards perfection...there is NO real evolution to perfection. It is perfect, I AM perfect. All the time. It is the difference between not knowing what perfect is, knowing all is perfect and just being the perfect that separates the men from the saintly men and the saintly men from becoming God.
It is as simple as all that.
***
I have begun to percieve the deception of words. For words can be fallacious. And as I was delightfully surprised to find that sentiment echoed in something I read...I begun to know it better in that moment of synergy. Reading powerful pieces of spirituality without thought is fully useless.
Reading without fully describing the effects of the words can be even be detrimental...for I see now what it was that was making me uneasy. Having read as sparsely as I manage to...I was starting to believe, without realizing, the difference between Good and Evil. Forgetting for the moment that the opposites are tools for the Manifold to explain itself to us. That though they are not to be discounted as an illusion it is easy to forget the infidelity of mind to discriminate anything outside of these terms.
For if all is not illusion, then somethings are real...and those must be discerned. As Tech so recently put it..."I believe in a reality that is beyond me and my perceptions" and thus made perhaps the greatest argument for the existence of God. As the discrimination of the truth behind it all becomes my priority I must use that which is unaffected by the qualities we attribute to everything else, thus I will naturally desist from my intellect, from my use of opposites to discern the truth, from my use of anything I have/will use to describe the percieved reality.
As the Truth beyond the apparent clockwork becomes visible, it requires suspension of every tool one is equipped with to realize it in its Ultimatum. For every tool has been used to get to this point. And you are left with Sat-Chit-Anand.
***
It occured to me that whilst I was reading much literature in all it was said one way or another that the 'evil' was to be replaced with the 'good'. That there was a right and a wrong. That there was truth to the alleiviation of pain and suffering.
And I forgot. Forgot in the aftermath of these words to remember the necessity of 'to each one his own' and 'no one way, no right or wrong way', no pain, suffering and evil or good.
These only exist if we percieve them to exist. If we believe them to exist, and if that is what one is motivated by, well it was meant to be so. But if one is not meant to believe any of it then nothing can change one's mind.
So, with the right person and right bent of destiny even a tiny event can change the manner of thinking, of living. For those who are meant to change the course of history are meant to change it, regardless. For ones who are to help and be helped, there will always be help needed and given.
Gosh! How could I have forgotten that which was once so easily remembered!
A thing I learned in my trip was that it was easy to think about no evil and no good...in abstract forms, when you don't fully comprehend.
'Destroying evil' is percieved differently by different people...for one it may mean to wage a holy war that destroys all that is evil according to a limited perception. For another it could mean obliterating that which threatens their way of life - another limited perception...that believes that no other way life could possibly be as fruitful as theirs. It only wreaks destruction...this thinking. And sometimes it preserves. But only itself. But so be it.
For me 'the destruction of evil' means that the light of knowledge is what destroys evil.
It destroys the IDEA of there being an evil.
An easy fallacy to commit is to replace the "evil" with good.
But so it isn't...for both good and evil though an integral part of the perfection that is Maya are qualities that the brain responds to. The mind responds to. To discover That which is beyond the mind and the brain's intellect...one must shed the qualities it attributes to the wider world. Those of yin and yan. Those of good and evil. Those of opposites. For the world is taught in opposites and the world teaches the nature of the Atman in opposites. But to know the Atman in its entirety one must assimilate millions of years of information and become one with it. Become aware that the differences were only apparent not intrinsic.
***
I wonder wherein I will find the death of differences. For there I will find the end of my quest.
***
A moon or so ago I had a dream. In this dream I died...or someone who was so close to me it felt like me, died. It was momentary, this death...lasted but a second. People around me were in a frenzy. I was onlooker, subject and party at the same time. And yet I was torn looking askance. Someone kept yelling for an ambulance, an ambulance...911! they cried. And all that came was the taxi. And someone in the taxi leaned out and waved their hand at the crowd. Gesturing. I can't recall what it was that this person was saying...or doing. All I remember is ALL it took was this person to show up. And I was awake again. I was breathing again...or I held her who was breathing again.
And then as the taxi left...the person who was holding the holdee...cried out for it to come back...but I was alright. Or so it seemed.
After much rankling about - the only person I can attribute to the taxi was S----. Perhaps i only WANT to do that. Thus I am. But for some reason I feel as if "Godsend"came and left and I was alive again.
As dreams are significant only if you so consider them...and I do...this dream to me spoke like an allegory. Whilst my hiatus...I experienced the loss of what had become a quintessential part of my life. My peace. My inward path was torn from my bosom and made public and questioned and belittled and compared to sundry. And though of most of these I was a willing participant and I was not upto its comparison to everyman's struggle to define their existence with spirituality. This I cannot still abide by. And this has been my rebirth. For if it were a phase I should be so lost in my life henceforth, I shall immediately revert back to the original person I had been (and I did for a while) - cynical and mildly bitter.
And so though there was the possibility that everything everyone said about this struggle coming back to par and ending in the worldly fruition of desires...it doesn't seem as such to me now. And for the while that is all that matters. Because if the world began to matter to me again, i would not be as satisfied as I am now. And for now it is all I aim for...a peaceful existence...and as I tend deeper and deeper inwards...I discover realms entirely unexplored...and I become more part of the world than I can ever be otherwise. And I am loathe to lose this.
Importantly - there is the chance that I am wrong and only afraid. I am afraid that were the second option true, there is no way to bring what I now know to the world?! And that is truly useless learning.
***
I broke a pair of glasses today. I wondered about that, as I am wont to wondering about everything nowadays. A fool wonders, the wise, they Know.
So as I clamored onto the bus to go home and get my other pair put on...I started to see something. Or rather not see it. And I wondered and wondered...why was it that i had this vision imbalance...that I need the Aid of something to see the World better, and without I saw it blurry, fuzzy, without outlines...without immediate boundaries.
And as I am wont to be mystical, I divined reasons for this abstract discrepancy in my sight.
The discrepancy exists as a parallel to my personality - in one view. My personality percieves things that are close. Not far. That which is not precieved to be close is lost in a blur. This strikes a chord, psychologically, with me. This severe lack of focus...lets me see the world in a sheer of confused colors...which makes it so much the easier to see the lack of defined differences in anything. Much as if everything was one and yet myriad.
It only becomes eminent as something else when I put my worldly glasses on - much like my body. It is one of the miasmas of life in the world to be half-blind, but i have waited for the day I would treasure it and it has come...the world I cannot be attached to if I don't even percieve my attachments clearly. The confusion has worked to my advantage...how perfect!
And thus I wondered when it would end. And the answer though it came...sounded a bit overused perhaps...but for the time being I will go with the pithy and not the poetic...
'when i begin to see no difference in the blurry and clear. No boundaries are apparent, when i begin to percieve not with my mind...but with something deeper...not even the heart with its fallacies...but that which can percieve without attributing qualities, without percieving differences...that which I do not know what to name today...that is the day when the difference between being half-blind and being eagle-eyed will end'.
I came back muddled and unsure of myself, with each passing day, however, I grow surer...I have my answer in the "resolve" that was put to my doorstep. But I can't stop assailing myself with whether I have fully understood that/it.
For one, since my return I find myself oddly affected by things that portray duality and the fact that people are ignorant of differences. Isn't that odd? How both these things are so Ironic...so fundamentally different. And yet the basis for intolerance is the knowledge that 'they' are different, but no idea what the differences are. No idea how they are the same. The basis for percieving a duality is the faith in the differences.
And thus it follows,
If I percieve ignorance, I am myself ignorant of something.
So I question why and I answer my questions.
I am affected by the portrayed differences people hold on to. I am affected by lack of understanding that the general populace holds dear to itself.
Thus, it must be that I believe something too. And this belief is contrary to other thoughts. As soon as I wrote the word 'contrary' it began to dawn upon me...the subtle transitions the mind makes...the effect of a loved ones words on the percieved unity or disparity of thoughts.
The mind - It yields to adapt. It is eager to adapt.
Since, the primary basis of any understanding of the world is knowing that in the contrary opposition of things lies the important lesson, I explored that. And I came to conclusion that one too many times I was beginning to believe again that i knew better.
I'd thought that what the 'ignorance' belied was lack of understanding. But it was not this that thwarted my patience...it was harboring the belief that there was substantial resistance to removing said ignorance and such resistance was nought but wrong. Forgetting that it was never wrong. That it may always have been fraught with fear and insecurity. The front of 'apparent superiority' belies a darker underbelly. A lack of true understanding made me my own greatest nemesis. And such balking mystified me for days! And now it presents itself in contrary words.
That substantial reasons must then be presented to remove said substantial prejudice...escaped my mind. If I aimed to change the world...be it that I am convinced it must be changed...then atleast I must know that the greatest conviction for the other person is exposition of direct exprience.
And such is the nature of ignorance as explained to me.
It is important to dispel it should the other party be ready to accept...but let it be not the reason you rally a cry that none but you must hear. Even in the strongest stubbornest ignorant mind, one can find the birth of forbearance for those who seek to cure it.
And be it not that as you try to enlighten, you try to change. For to spread the word is what you may be self-bound to do, but to accept and bind themselves to those words are another's initiative. One must ONLY lead the horse to water. To drink or not to drink is its perogative. And it is pointless to try otherwise.
***
I think the Philosophers Stone must be that thing which makes the essence of the essential finally obvious in all. And the thing I have been wanting to experience is that which is known as the Unity in the multiplicity. For that was Nature's Plan. The lack of substantiating differences. The lack of differences that cannot be but compared to a similarity.
So, I hate this music, you hate the other kind. But we both hate. I dislike your point of view as you dislike mine...we both dislike...for common reasons...though they appear different to the mind that doesn't bother to dig deep for their resonance.
And thus I come to that which has become the thing I am beginning to search for in every lesson on my path...the Common. The One. For Believing and Being are two different beasts. As long as I Believe without Being/Knowing I cannot know fully what it is that I Believe.
I am used to believing that there are no differences without knowing whether that is the real truth. I know that intrinsically there can be no differences that cannot be made similarities, and that even the odd choice of violence and chaos is there for a reason - harmonious in Nature.
And this reason is perfect, all of the time.
It isn't arching towards perfection...there is NO real evolution to perfection. It is perfect, I AM perfect. All the time. It is the difference between not knowing what perfect is, knowing all is perfect and just being the perfect that separates the men from the saintly men and the saintly men from becoming God.
It is as simple as all that.
***
I have begun to percieve the deception of words. For words can be fallacious. And as I was delightfully surprised to find that sentiment echoed in something I read...I begun to know it better in that moment of synergy. Reading powerful pieces of spirituality without thought is fully useless.
Reading without fully describing the effects of the words can be even be detrimental...for I see now what it was that was making me uneasy. Having read as sparsely as I manage to...I was starting to believe, without realizing, the difference between Good and Evil. Forgetting for the moment that the opposites are tools for the Manifold to explain itself to us. That though they are not to be discounted as an illusion it is easy to forget the infidelity of mind to discriminate anything outside of these terms.
For if all is not illusion, then somethings are real...and those must be discerned. As Tech so recently put it..."I believe in a reality that is beyond me and my perceptions" and thus made perhaps the greatest argument for the existence of God. As the discrimination of the truth behind it all becomes my priority I must use that which is unaffected by the qualities we attribute to everything else, thus I will naturally desist from my intellect, from my use of opposites to discern the truth, from my use of anything I have/will use to describe the percieved reality.
As the Truth beyond the apparent clockwork becomes visible, it requires suspension of every tool one is equipped with to realize it in its Ultimatum. For every tool has been used to get to this point. And you are left with Sat-Chit-Anand.
***
It occured to me that whilst I was reading much literature in all it was said one way or another that the 'evil' was to be replaced with the 'good'. That there was a right and a wrong. That there was truth to the alleiviation of pain and suffering.
And I forgot. Forgot in the aftermath of these words to remember the necessity of 'to each one his own' and 'no one way, no right or wrong way', no pain, suffering and evil or good.
These only exist if we percieve them to exist. If we believe them to exist, and if that is what one is motivated by, well it was meant to be so. But if one is not meant to believe any of it then nothing can change one's mind.
So, with the right person and right bent of destiny even a tiny event can change the manner of thinking, of living. For those who are meant to change the course of history are meant to change it, regardless. For ones who are to help and be helped, there will always be help needed and given.
Gosh! How could I have forgotten that which was once so easily remembered!
A thing I learned in my trip was that it was easy to think about no evil and no good...in abstract forms, when you don't fully comprehend.
'Destroying evil' is percieved differently by different people...for one it may mean to wage a holy war that destroys all that is evil according to a limited perception. For another it could mean obliterating that which threatens their way of life - another limited perception...that believes that no other way life could possibly be as fruitful as theirs. It only wreaks destruction...this thinking. And sometimes it preserves. But only itself. But so be it.
For me 'the destruction of evil' means that the light of knowledge is what destroys evil.
It destroys the IDEA of there being an evil.
An easy fallacy to commit is to replace the "evil" with good.
But so it isn't...for both good and evil though an integral part of the perfection that is Maya are qualities that the brain responds to. The mind responds to. To discover That which is beyond the mind and the brain's intellect...one must shed the qualities it attributes to the wider world. Those of yin and yan. Those of good and evil. Those of opposites. For the world is taught in opposites and the world teaches the nature of the Atman in opposites. But to know the Atman in its entirety one must assimilate millions of years of information and become one with it. Become aware that the differences were only apparent not intrinsic.
***
I wonder wherein I will find the death of differences. For there I will find the end of my quest.
***
A moon or so ago I had a dream. In this dream I died...or someone who was so close to me it felt like me, died. It was momentary, this death...lasted but a second. People around me were in a frenzy. I was onlooker, subject and party at the same time. And yet I was torn looking askance. Someone kept yelling for an ambulance, an ambulance...911! they cried. And all that came was the taxi. And someone in the taxi leaned out and waved their hand at the crowd. Gesturing. I can't recall what it was that this person was saying...or doing. All I remember is ALL it took was this person to show up. And I was awake again. I was breathing again...or I held her who was breathing again.
And then as the taxi left...the person who was holding the holdee...cried out for it to come back...but I was alright. Or so it seemed.
After much rankling about - the only person I can attribute to the taxi was S----. Perhaps i only WANT to do that. Thus I am. But for some reason I feel as if "Godsend"came and left and I was alive again.
As dreams are significant only if you so consider them...and I do...this dream to me spoke like an allegory. Whilst my hiatus...I experienced the loss of what had become a quintessential part of my life. My peace. My inward path was torn from my bosom and made public and questioned and belittled and compared to sundry. And though of most of these I was a willing participant and I was not upto its comparison to everyman's struggle to define their existence with spirituality. This I cannot still abide by. And this has been my rebirth. For if it were a phase I should be so lost in my life henceforth, I shall immediately revert back to the original person I had been (and I did for a while) - cynical and mildly bitter.
And so though there was the possibility that everything everyone said about this struggle coming back to par and ending in the worldly fruition of desires...it doesn't seem as such to me now. And for the while that is all that matters. Because if the world began to matter to me again, i would not be as satisfied as I am now. And for now it is all I aim for...a peaceful existence...and as I tend deeper and deeper inwards...I discover realms entirely unexplored...and I become more part of the world than I can ever be otherwise. And I am loathe to lose this.
Importantly - there is the chance that I am wrong and only afraid. I am afraid that were the second option true, there is no way to bring what I now know to the world?! And that is truly useless learning.
***
I broke a pair of glasses today. I wondered about that, as I am wont to wondering about everything nowadays. A fool wonders, the wise, they Know.
So as I clamored onto the bus to go home and get my other pair put on...I started to see something. Or rather not see it. And I wondered and wondered...why was it that i had this vision imbalance...that I need the Aid of something to see the World better, and without I saw it blurry, fuzzy, without outlines...without immediate boundaries.
And as I am wont to be mystical, I divined reasons for this abstract discrepancy in my sight.
The discrepancy exists as a parallel to my personality - in one view. My personality percieves things that are close. Not far. That which is not precieved to be close is lost in a blur. This strikes a chord, psychologically, with me. This severe lack of focus...lets me see the world in a sheer of confused colors...which makes it so much the easier to see the lack of defined differences in anything. Much as if everything was one and yet myriad.
It only becomes eminent as something else when I put my worldly glasses on - much like my body. It is one of the miasmas of life in the world to be half-blind, but i have waited for the day I would treasure it and it has come...the world I cannot be attached to if I don't even percieve my attachments clearly. The confusion has worked to my advantage...how perfect!
And thus I wondered when it would end. And the answer though it came...sounded a bit overused perhaps...but for the time being I will go with the pithy and not the poetic...
'when i begin to see no difference in the blurry and clear. No boundaries are apparent, when i begin to percieve not with my mind...but with something deeper...not even the heart with its fallacies...but that which can percieve without attributing qualities, without percieving differences...that which I do not know what to name today...that is the day when the difference between being half-blind and being eagle-eyed will end'.
Friday, September 15, 2006
The incredible lightness of being
Betwixt my ego and my need for a guru...i found this in His dismissal of me:
I found that the need for both is prodigal.
Ego obfuscates because it is also party to illusions.
A Guru shows how but can not show what.
However, Only He who is Sadguru can show all. He can show That and he can show the Way. But he won't unless you truly seek it. And then He shows by the best way, nay, the only way which is through yourself. Through direct experience.
A Master that is physical can only lead...he can not BE for you. The Master within you can lead and BE and it is the same as you Leading and Being.
***
I was having a conversation with Ark the other day and we talked of Mahatma Gandhi. We talked of experiences with the Divine. And I said something as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew was severely flawed and I self-corrected at the moment without realizing how profound my folly was.
I see it now for what I see it now as.
I said, "One reason why I won't hand over the Reins to S----, that I can't surrender completely to Him is because I don't at any point want to blame him for anything in my life. Which is what will happen if my life goes a certain way without my express approval. And I know this is my Ego speaking...but it is true."
In that moment I admitted to a weakness. I admitted to future weaknesses were I to continue believing that. I spoke of complete surrender like a person unaware of the Elixir of Life, who has gone in search of it, speaks of it adoringly but as if it is quite out of reach. And it was a misrendering of complete surrender.
Complete surrender lends no responsibility of questioning the outcomes. Complete surrender renders craving for the fruits of action useless and unnecessary. Complicated words these. Easily misinterpreted. Or perhaps interpreted to each's own abilities and therefore open to argumentation. Had I completely submitted my will - there would be no sorrow, no blame, it is the way it is. It will be the way it will be. There would be no way that is chosen that ISN'T right. That there would be one more life of mine in experiencing desires that even I may not be fully aware of. So there you have it...to doubt is to not understand fully.
***
In my recent perusal of a book "the four agreements" I came across the first part of the book and it took me by surprise and it took my breath away.
In it Don Miguel Ruiz says that "It is not the stars that make the light. It is the light that makes the stars." He also says that all of matter is a Mirror...reflecting light. Therefore we are all percieving the idea that we are matter when we are all really light...reflecting other light. We are beings of light...as is everything else in the world. Besides this part of the book which was so magnificient and beautiful the rest of the book tended to be more "practical", which in my opinion was not as fulfilling as others found it to be...the ideas have always been there...and whenever you see it expounded again and again by people in the world they come out in ways that are harmonic and identical. The beauty is somewhat lost when you try to relate it to the real world when you don't realize that the world isn't real. The "agreements" are only there so that they make the path less stumbly more easy to traverse until we get to the point where the basis of the "agreements" becomes visible and it becomes unnecessary to accept them as is, because it is no longer necessary to justify them because the cause for the world becomes apparent. Until such a time though...isn't it more peaceful to live it like it DOES matter exactly how we treat and speak to each other?
In many ways the idea had been introduced into my psyche long before this re-encounter, and many times in my life I have pondered it but have been put off by "the voice of reason" as being dreamy.
When I first encountered the idea of light in Physics...the fundamental idea of color perception and reflection was being taught to me by my Dad. He explained to me why different objects have different colors. It was because some matter (and its associated properties) absorbed some light and reflected those wavelengths that it didn't absorb...thus it was reflecting light. Thus, all we percieved was reflected light. The actual object doesn't possess color. It is the color reflected that we percieve and we unknowingly attribute that to the general characteristic of an object. Thus, all objects in this world are a combination of matter...which has no real properties besides those defined by light.
Thus, Light is the basis for all perception...that matter exists is secondary to the concept that it can be percieved. If it can't be seen, it may very well be a myth or if it can be simultaneously in two places at once...it is the light we percieve from the two places...not the transmutation of matter.
This is so fundamental and yet there is something lacking...I still can't put my finger on it...that this physical world is so rigidly encased...it is food for the brain: The perception of touch...
***
There have been several dreams that I meant to explore for my benefit and there remains the account of my hiatus...and the myriad lessons learned there in that I must ponder at length. It has been some time since I have sat down for more than one day and thought about everything around me in a more stark sense, in a more thoughtful sense...and that day has come again. I am glad that I didn't force myself earlier...it would've been a pity if I had left this off in a flurry of disdain.
There were many profound books that I read. There were things i mean to discuss. It is hard indeed once to fall off this wagon of writing and try climbing back on it while it proceeds at full speed...but it must be done...for parts of me still think only when they write.
The dream where I was verbally abusing my parents and their thoughts and lives...which amounted to verbal torture as I saw them cringe and react to my harsh words, which even in my dream bore heavy on my heart...for as I saw myself say things to them that I couldn't fathom the reasons for, as an observer, i felt my heart sinking, a weight settling on me. I was incurably sad after I woke up and disturbed for a long time because I saw myself say things to them...trying to make them see by disparaging them how pointless it was that their lives were bound by me. I felt more so than anything else...GUILT. And since this has been the overarching theme in my life for the past month...I am sure I was re-experiencing in my dream a more acute version of what I hold in my heart at all times...Desperation and Contradiction and Frustration and Guilt that comes from acting on the three emotions before it. And most of all this comes from the attachments that bind me to them and what remains of my life here.
It has also been comical to see how certain events in my life seem to be tests of my mental make-up/shake-up. That even as this dream affected me there was a tiny voice inside of me...and believe me I didn't hear it for a while...saying "well that's ludricous, you'd NEVER do that to your parents...and THEY would never warrant such behavior from you." And that is reassurance enough for the while.
As well as knowing that to resolve is to do. I bear that close to my heart as I walk this road for it is full of perils begotten of relations. And until such a time as all is one finally...I shall have to make sure I am sure.
I found that the need for both is prodigal.
Ego obfuscates because it is also party to illusions.
A Guru shows how but can not show what.
However, Only He who is Sadguru can show all. He can show That and he can show the Way. But he won't unless you truly seek it. And then He shows by the best way, nay, the only way which is through yourself. Through direct experience.
A Master that is physical can only lead...he can not BE for you. The Master within you can lead and BE and it is the same as you Leading and Being.
***
I was having a conversation with Ark the other day and we talked of Mahatma Gandhi. We talked of experiences with the Divine. And I said something as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew was severely flawed and I self-corrected at the moment without realizing how profound my folly was.
I see it now for what I see it now as.
I said, "One reason why I won't hand over the Reins to S----, that I can't surrender completely to Him is because I don't at any point want to blame him for anything in my life. Which is what will happen if my life goes a certain way without my express approval. And I know this is my Ego speaking...but it is true."
In that moment I admitted to a weakness. I admitted to future weaknesses were I to continue believing that. I spoke of complete surrender like a person unaware of the Elixir of Life, who has gone in search of it, speaks of it adoringly but as if it is quite out of reach. And it was a misrendering of complete surrender.
Complete surrender lends no responsibility of questioning the outcomes. Complete surrender renders craving for the fruits of action useless and unnecessary. Complicated words these. Easily misinterpreted. Or perhaps interpreted to each's own abilities and therefore open to argumentation. Had I completely submitted my will - there would be no sorrow, no blame, it is the way it is. It will be the way it will be. There would be no way that is chosen that ISN'T right. That there would be one more life of mine in experiencing desires that even I may not be fully aware of. So there you have it...to doubt is to not understand fully.
***
In my recent perusal of a book "the four agreements" I came across the first part of the book and it took me by surprise and it took my breath away.
In it Don Miguel Ruiz says that "It is not the stars that make the light. It is the light that makes the stars." He also says that all of matter is a Mirror...reflecting light. Therefore we are all percieving the idea that we are matter when we are all really light...reflecting other light. We are beings of light...as is everything else in the world. Besides this part of the book which was so magnificient and beautiful the rest of the book tended to be more "practical", which in my opinion was not as fulfilling as others found it to be...the ideas have always been there...and whenever you see it expounded again and again by people in the world they come out in ways that are harmonic and identical. The beauty is somewhat lost when you try to relate it to the real world when you don't realize that the world isn't real. The "agreements" are only there so that they make the path less stumbly more easy to traverse until we get to the point where the basis of the "agreements" becomes visible and it becomes unnecessary to accept them as is, because it is no longer necessary to justify them because the cause for the world becomes apparent. Until such a time though...isn't it more peaceful to live it like it DOES matter exactly how we treat and speak to each other?
In many ways the idea had been introduced into my psyche long before this re-encounter, and many times in my life I have pondered it but have been put off by "the voice of reason" as being dreamy.
When I first encountered the idea of light in Physics...the fundamental idea of color perception and reflection was being taught to me by my Dad. He explained to me why different objects have different colors. It was because some matter (and its associated properties) absorbed some light and reflected those wavelengths that it didn't absorb...thus it was reflecting light. Thus, all we percieved was reflected light. The actual object doesn't possess color. It is the color reflected that we percieve and we unknowingly attribute that to the general characteristic of an object. Thus, all objects in this world are a combination of matter...which has no real properties besides those defined by light.
Thus, Light is the basis for all perception...that matter exists is secondary to the concept that it can be percieved. If it can't be seen, it may very well be a myth or if it can be simultaneously in two places at once...it is the light we percieve from the two places...not the transmutation of matter.
This is so fundamental and yet there is something lacking...I still can't put my finger on it...that this physical world is so rigidly encased...it is food for the brain: The perception of touch...
***
There have been several dreams that I meant to explore for my benefit and there remains the account of my hiatus...and the myriad lessons learned there in that I must ponder at length. It has been some time since I have sat down for more than one day and thought about everything around me in a more stark sense, in a more thoughtful sense...and that day has come again. I am glad that I didn't force myself earlier...it would've been a pity if I had left this off in a flurry of disdain.
There were many profound books that I read. There were things i mean to discuss. It is hard indeed once to fall off this wagon of writing and try climbing back on it while it proceeds at full speed...but it must be done...for parts of me still think only when they write.
The dream where I was verbally abusing my parents and their thoughts and lives...which amounted to verbal torture as I saw them cringe and react to my harsh words, which even in my dream bore heavy on my heart...for as I saw myself say things to them that I couldn't fathom the reasons for, as an observer, i felt my heart sinking, a weight settling on me. I was incurably sad after I woke up and disturbed for a long time because I saw myself say things to them...trying to make them see by disparaging them how pointless it was that their lives were bound by me. I felt more so than anything else...GUILT. And since this has been the overarching theme in my life for the past month...I am sure I was re-experiencing in my dream a more acute version of what I hold in my heart at all times...Desperation and Contradiction and Frustration and Guilt that comes from acting on the three emotions before it. And most of all this comes from the attachments that bind me to them and what remains of my life here.
It has also been comical to see how certain events in my life seem to be tests of my mental make-up/shake-up. That even as this dream affected me there was a tiny voice inside of me...and believe me I didn't hear it for a while...saying "well that's ludricous, you'd NEVER do that to your parents...and THEY would never warrant such behavior from you." And that is reassurance enough for the while.
As well as knowing that to resolve is to do. I bear that close to my heart as I walk this road for it is full of perils begotten of relations. And until such a time as all is one finally...I shall have to make sure I am sure.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Tat
I went. I saw. I failed.
A part of me surrendered to the love that I have always known and a part of me fell prey to struggle. A part of me that seeked to be freer still found itself bound more. A part of me that was pleasuring away found guilt. A part of me was happy and a part of me concious that this happiness was not everyone's to be had. A part of me was bound by duty and a part of me convinced that with all its struggles my only duty lay to Him.
What does one make of such tantamount experience? One makes emotions initially and then the feeling become meaningful whence converted to thought.
"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." - Gandhi
The freedom I seek...it is not without pitfalls. For everyday I see myself do something I wisht I hadn't done. I recommend myself the same procedures in and out which I wisht weren't mine to recommend. I see what people mean when they say that it's all struggle for though in the moment of truth it all becomes clear and simple and though it stays with you for long lest you want otherwise. As soon as a distraction comes along, Excuses make themselves apparent, People make their claim on you, you forget what it was exactly like...it lingers for however long it can and then it stumbles and falls and with no one to revive it, it is forgotten and things become hard again.
Ans so it was that I was tested thus. I realized two things amidst these if you let their judgement get to you...thar you falter. If you stop spending time with that voice which tells you what it means to BE, then you've made your first mistake...it is already harder when you don't know what it means...and when you stop hearing it altogether...well you've lost the way to what it was you sought. That may be how it was deigned or it may just be that you have now forgotten that which your whole conciousness has sought.
For were they not Gandhi's famous words: "Action expresses priorities "
***
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
"I for one have never supported passive aggressiveness. I believe in fighting the aggressors but not provoking them. I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life." - Gandhi
Strong-willed must mean the will to not be moved to retaliatory action when faced with violent action, but to recognize that violence is a manifestation of human weakness and weakness can only be rectified by love and education.
I have finally understood what the purpose of B---'s ignoring me was - I think I chanced upon it accidentally before...but in the tumult of contradictory emotions it was forgotten...it has chanced upon me again - the Ignoring was for me an ultimate test of how deep my ego goes. It is a way for him to show me how disastrous it was when I let that conquer me when I was there. Yes I opened up my heart to him...but I was also disappointed and angry when no response was recieved. How I pined, how I cried, how I felt I had been shortchanged - not realizing ofcourse that the "I" was slowly taking over the idea that He was afterall within me and I could always talk to him and gain his guidance thence.
***
How foolish thee be...who chases the grace of God concious only of themselves.
***
I have heard people say and it has echoed with my past:
"if you don't understand the rules you don't have to play by them."
Ignorance rules the hour.
A part of me surrendered to the love that I have always known and a part of me fell prey to struggle. A part of me that seeked to be freer still found itself bound more. A part of me that was pleasuring away found guilt. A part of me was happy and a part of me concious that this happiness was not everyone's to be had. A part of me was bound by duty and a part of me convinced that with all its struggles my only duty lay to Him.
What does one make of such tantamount experience? One makes emotions initially and then the feeling become meaningful whence converted to thought.
"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." - Gandhi
The freedom I seek...it is not without pitfalls. For everyday I see myself do something I wisht I hadn't done. I recommend myself the same procedures in and out which I wisht weren't mine to recommend. I see what people mean when they say that it's all struggle for though in the moment of truth it all becomes clear and simple and though it stays with you for long lest you want otherwise. As soon as a distraction comes along, Excuses make themselves apparent, People make their claim on you, you forget what it was exactly like...it lingers for however long it can and then it stumbles and falls and with no one to revive it, it is forgotten and things become hard again.
Ans so it was that I was tested thus. I realized two things amidst these if you let their judgement get to you...thar you falter. If you stop spending time with that voice which tells you what it means to BE, then you've made your first mistake...it is already harder when you don't know what it means...and when you stop hearing it altogether...well you've lost the way to what it was you sought. That may be how it was deigned or it may just be that you have now forgotten that which your whole conciousness has sought.
For were they not Gandhi's famous words: "Action expresses priorities "
***
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
"I for one have never supported passive aggressiveness. I believe in fighting the aggressors but not provoking them. I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life." - Gandhi
Strong-willed must mean the will to not be moved to retaliatory action when faced with violent action, but to recognize that violence is a manifestation of human weakness and weakness can only be rectified by love and education.
I have finally understood what the purpose of B---'s ignoring me was - I think I chanced upon it accidentally before...but in the tumult of contradictory emotions it was forgotten...it has chanced upon me again - the Ignoring was for me an ultimate test of how deep my ego goes. It is a way for him to show me how disastrous it was when I let that conquer me when I was there. Yes I opened up my heart to him...but I was also disappointed and angry when no response was recieved. How I pined, how I cried, how I felt I had been shortchanged - not realizing ofcourse that the "I" was slowly taking over the idea that He was afterall within me and I could always talk to him and gain his guidance thence.
***
How foolish thee be...who chases the grace of God concious only of themselves.
***
I have heard people say and it has echoed with my past:
"if you don't understand the rules you don't have to play by them."
Ignorance rules the hour.
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